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Default Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-01-2019, 04:13 PM



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-01-2019, 04:41 PM

There is a man over there
He's the one with wavy hair
And a personality that everyone follows!
He loves God, God loves Him
Jesus went out on a limb
To make sure He'd be saved: Alan Swallows!


CHORUS:
Alan Swallows, Alan Swallows
It's so good to know that Alan Swallows
When you're feeling like a bum
He will show you where to come,
What a wonderful guy: Alan Swallows


There are times when life is hard
It keeps dealing the wrong cards
And you feel so useless and so very hollow
Alan takes those blues away
He will make you feel so gay
And he never wastes a day: Alan Swallows!


(Repeat Chorus)


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Alan Swallows Alan Swallows is offline
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-02-2019, 09:17 AM

Thank you for the pretty picture, Sister Mary. And Brother Larry, quite the wordsmith as always.


Strait Gate Funeral Parlor
Alan Swallows – Undertaker – Licensed embalmer
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You're never too young (Luke 12:20). Prearrange YOUR funeral today!!!
You already have? Our prearranged funeral packages also make the perfect birthday gift for your loved ones!
What are you waiting for? You've got NOTHING to lose! All funeral plans are 100% refundable if Jesus returns before you die.*


NEW: KIDZ KOFFINZfrom only $895
_________________
* Terms and conditions apply
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-02-2019, 11:08 AM

I always see September babies as the results of their father's decision to sire a son as Christmas approaches. It is but a small leap from here to realise that the idea of a son at Christmas must have been foremost in your father's mind, and that that example Son was of course, the Son of God.

I suppose that anyone who goes in unto his wife with that in mind, come September, must be mildly disappointed when there is no star or Wise Men. Nevertheless it also indicates a godly father, which accounts for your being here - probably.

Oh... Happy Birthday.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Piece of cake Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-02-2019, 03:19 PM

Happy birthday young man! Your chastity and holding out for the right wife is commendable. I do not have your fortitude and tend to select wives that have a tendency to wander off.
I'll pray that God continues to have to provide Him with your Love and for Him to grace you with an everlasting layer of His thick Love.
I've signed you up for a few magazine subscriptions. I got you Boys Life as I know you are an avid camper and Chick Tracts.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-04-2019, 01:36 AM

Alan Swallows may have a happy birthday as the laughter filled pits of Mirth bring forth glory to the double lord.
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Mary Etheldreda Mary Etheldreda is offline
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-04-2019, 01:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirthful Ringmaster View Post
Alan Swallows may have a happy birthday as the laughter filled pits of Mirth bring forth glory to the double lord.
That was delightfully short for a word salad, but I believe no one here ordered that, dear.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 09-04-2019, 01:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirthful Ringmaster View Post
Alan Swallows may have a happy birthday as the laughter filled pits of Mirth bring forth glory to the double lord.
Hello Miss Ringmaster: to , at . It appears that you are new here, and have somehow or another bypassed our Introduction Forum. We would love to get to know you. Please make your way there immediately, where you can post a message to introduce yourself, properly, to the believers here at .

The link to our Introduction Forum is below, and you can post your message by clicking on the blue "New Thread" button on the upper left of your screen.

https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Please remember to provide the information that we've requested at the top of the Introduction Forum page, which is:

Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

You will find that we are a no-nonsense group of believers in the . We do not sugar-coat the Truth, which is that you deserve to burn in for all of eternity, unless you repent of your disgusting, sickening, horrible sins.

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Revelation 21:8 "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death."

It is my sincere hope that you will give your wretched life to the , and that you will fellowship with us, here, at the ever-so-friendly .

Sincerely, Isabella W.


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Sinner Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 01-28-2021, 08:33 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
seems very judgemental considering it is God that is the only one to pass judgement apon a fellow man ,IS IT NOT .(But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?)(“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.)Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.you are not God and instead of labelling sinners look in the mirror as you are the one not following the gods rule ,do as he say not as he do .

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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 02-02-2021, 12:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
sent attractive picture
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan Swallows View Post
Thank you
Quote:
Originally Posted by Valpiofir View Post
Code:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda 
[ picture linked ]
seems very judgemental considering it is God that is the only one to pass judgement apon a fellow man ,IS IT NOT .(But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?)(“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.)Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.you are not God and instead of labelling sinners look in the mirror as you are the one not following the gods rule ,do as he say not as he do .

Whatever you're on it's time to give it up.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 03-15-2021, 07:57 AM

Happy birthday sir, I am looking for advice. please prey for me
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 03-15-2021, 11:43 AM

Here is a Bible verse from an earlier post
John 15:12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
Conveniently, Jesus had just finished explaining the nature of His Perfect Love, which is not the same as ordinary old human love. It contains elements we couldn't imagine for ourselves and needed to be told. One aspect of this is what to do in cases of unrequited love? Perhaps in your introduction you could find the relevant verse.

John 15:1-12

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Bible Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 03-15-2021, 09:15 PM

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Originally Posted by phtins23 View Post
Happy birthday sir, I am looking for advice. please prey for me
Well, I think that some excellent advice, Miss Tins, would be for you to make your way to our friendly Introduction Forum, which is where we like our newcomers to post their first message. The link to that forum is here:

https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Whilst there, kindly pay close attention to these requests:

The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

We do look forward to getting to you know, Dear -- here, at .


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Trump Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 03-17-2021, 04:08 PM

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Originally Posted by phtins23 View Post
Happy birthday sir, I am looking for advice. please prey for me
Welcome friend, are you one of the Queef sisters?


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 03-20-2021, 10:33 AM

Jesus explained His hopes.

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Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
John 15:1-12
Somewhat oblivious out there. Does oblivion (such as in absinthe bordellos or crack houses or opium dens) negate the utterance of God?
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Default Multiple frequency; able fermented confusion factor. - 04-24-2021, 10:52 AM

I am a minister in Namibia and we are praying for healing and sexual morality. We can hold snakes and cure warts. Pray for us.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday Alan Swallows! - 04-25-2021, 10:46 PM

Christians don't get warts.
Exodus 23:25 Ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.
‘‘What does that mean? How does one serve the LORD?’’
Proverbs 3:7-8 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.
‘‘How does that work, exactly?’’
I Peter 2:24 [Jesus] bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
‘‘I see. But what about people who don't accept that God is Jesus?’’
Proverbs 3:33 The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just.
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