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Default HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-16-2017, 04:28 PM



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Jesus Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-16-2017, 05:58 PM

My finest congratulations on your birthday, my dear Pastor. Sadly, only being 29, you have a long time before you will have the Glory of sitting upon the right Hand of God Almighty and to know first hand His Grip of Love massaging your soul.
You might notice a 2018 Pearlescent Escalade parked in your lot at your residence at the Chrystal Cathedral in downton Landover. I'd of had it delivered to your residence but the security team told the driver there was a lock down due to an escaped 'cub'. In the back, you'll find a case of Macallan Lalique VI 65 Year Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-16-2017, 06:11 PM

Happy Birthday to you, Pastor Zeke. I heard someone describe you as "smarmy". Is that like a made-up word like, "smartish"? Because I would disagree, because you are obviously truly smart. In fact, you are the "smarmiest"!

The Good Lord keep you and Bless you,.


His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

Guns For God and the Economy
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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-16-2017, 10:39 PM

Happy birthday Pastor! Thanks for your guidance and for making this transition to Heaven easier! I hope Jesus calls you soon to be beside Him!Of course, not before you have accomplished your mission here in Earth.


1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.
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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-16-2017, 10:49 PM

Happy birthday, Pastor! I hope you are richly blessed for all that you have done for Jesus as you continue to, quote Sister Handmaiden, "smarmly" serve Him with all the humbleness and wisdom of the head pastor! I sent an aged whiskey for your birthday, I hope you received it in time!


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Cake Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-17-2017, 12:54 AM

A God-Inspired Poem in Observance of Your Birthday


God formed all of creation and said it was ok
But something still was missing upon that seventh day
He formed a man out of the dust, Adam was his name
Now Adam was a fairly good guy, but God thought he was lame.


So he found some gold dust on the shelf and sprinkled it around
He mixed it with an angel's looks and made it muscle bound
There's little doubt, I shout it out, I know just how you'll feel
When I tell you what God had formed was our own Ezekiel.


Then creation was complete at last, it made God shout hurray!
He smiled as He watched Jesus and our Pastor Zeke at play.
He then taught Zeke about the plan to save the world from sin.
Zeke volunteered to preach the news to all the mortal men.


And that's the story of our pastor, better than all others
He's better than your sisters, and better than your brothers.
He does not age, he just improves with each and every minute
Were he to wage a war, you know, he's guaranteed to win it.


So Happy Birthday, Pastor Zeke, although I am not worthy
To speak your name or breathe your air or walk upon your earthy.


Thank you, JESUS, for this wonderful, perfect man.
May he remember my name some day.


BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-17-2017, 03:48 AM

?????


Where is my Airbus A380?



Where. Is. My. fre4king. Jet?




????



Seriously, my flock? What IS this? Your congrats coming the day AFTER my birthday?? A day LATE? Whisky spelled in two different ways? Is that the best I deserve? Really?? You know that I've worked for YEARS to deliver you into Heaven! You feel that your place is secure now but it only takes ONE word from me and Jesus can just as easily cast you into the pit? You all know that I've kept our community safe by having my houseboys patrol the streets for any undesirable activity among you guys. That's gonna change now! My good friend the POTUS DONALD will also contribute to our cause by extracting some well-trained troops to ensure proper tithe collection. Remember Ananias. And. His. Wife. What happened to them when they tithed too little?? And where's my fiancée?? Haven't heard from her for months! Covfefe! And why are my houseboys reporting Daisy Mae activity in the Faith Machine household? And what what what is that freakish POEM? Weren't you the horse guy? Why is there still manure on the Flint Mansion DRIVEWAY!? I can read the Lamentations (my poor late father Lamentations Flint would never have tolerated such disregard ) if I want poetry. Which I don't want.

I. Want. The. Jet. Delivered! Come on sheep! It's not rocket science! Just aviation! It looks like this!



It'll get me to spread the good news of JESUS to Southeast Asia and it will get YOU back unto the Heaven Track! Dear Jesus come and slay the sinners and let Thy light re-illuminate the dark hearts of my flock that are quenching for my teachings while I SELFLESSLY serve the Nation commandingadvising our President in his decisions.


This was the worst birthday since my 10th when my late father Lamentations Flint taught me the hard but loving Proverbs 13:24-way how Jesus feels about little boys who trespass.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-17-2017, 10:23 AM

I am sorry you had such a rotten birthday, Pastor. And I am sorry Daisy Mae felt she had to come to me to talk about your relationship problems. I told her this was the kind of thing she should talk to her pastor about, but she said she couldn't, as you are her pastor.

Anyway, I have something for you that I think will help with your "little problem."


Don't worry, sir, we all get old.


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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-17-2017, 05:56 PM

Happy Birthday, Pastor! Me and my family already send money in hopes it will be used for the new airplane. God will make this very good man fly I am sure it will happen.
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Cake Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE! - 07-21-2017, 02:34 PM

My beloved Pastor Zeke!

I would apologize for being so late, except that it was you who ordered me to go save some stupid savage souls in the Amazon jungle.


Anyway. I'm bringing back all the packages that you requested, and here is your belated birthday cake:


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