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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-13-2008, 09:21 PM

So, it's been a month; what's the status of the album?

Did it get pushed back? (If so, I'll have a HUGE belly laugh)


Former member of a church which I cannot dare mention-Now a spiritual free agent-could LBC be the way for me?
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-13-2008, 11:54 PM

Mr Crossburn I am so honored to meet you!

Truly, you are Landover Baptist's own answer to Kinky Friedman (and the Texas Jewboys).

You also remind me of that nice Charlie Haggers from the old Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman TV show, shown here with Country-singing wife, Loretta. Glory!

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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-13-2008, 11:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Offcr. Albert Martin View Post
So, it's been a month; what's the status of the album?

Did it get pushed back? (If so, I'll have a HUGE belly laugh)
Well, you DO have a huge belly. The DOF passed us a copy of your latest fitness report. Too many stops at Dunkin Donuts between writing out those parking tickets, eh Rita?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-14-2008, 12:05 AM

Now this is some Christian music I could actually listen to! Is it only going to be on compact disc? I only have a cassette player in my truck...


A baby is a human being, not a stem cell!

Psalm 139:19-20
Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-14-2008, 12:28 AM

Jesus Is Gonna Kill You! (©2008 Landover Baptist Records) is due for release on April 15 just as I announced, you shirt-lifting vampire. My concert schedule for the next few months will also be posted on that date.

Brother Hackwith, because this is a regional release (we've yet to find a nationwide record company that isn't run by Jew faggots) we can afford to cater to local interests a bit. See, most people in Freehold County are in the same position as you. So yes, I'm happy to say that there will be plenty of cassettes and vinyl records produced in addition to compact discs!

SUV, I've been on this Earth fifty-four years and I still blush when I get a compliment from a beautiful woman. The honor's all mine.

With Christ as my compass,



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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-14-2008, 12:35 AM

Praise the Lord! And only 2 more days until it's released. It's been a long, long time since I've found music that I can tolerate. I can't wait!


A baby is a human being, not a stem cell!

Psalm 139:19-20
Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-16-2008, 08:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Offcr. Albert Martin View Post
So, it's been a month; what's the status of the album?

Did it get pushed back? (If so, I'll have a HUGE belly laugh)
I thought you'd want it to be pushed back. That way, you'd have more time to save up your sofa-cushion change, so that this time, your PayPal payment wouldn't be declined.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-16-2008, 09:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roper Crossburn View Post
2. Osamabamarama (with Johnny Rebel) (5:12)
Brother Crossburn, I noticed you perform a song on your bonus disk with 'Johnny Rebel'. I only mention it, as my wife is a huge fan of their musics. She often plays their soothing melodies while doing her Godly chores.

You couldn't possibly arrange for them to sign a copy, could you? I mean, as well as signing it yourself. My good lady wife would be most grateful. Glory!
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-17-2008, 07:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roper Crossburn View Post
SUV, I've been on this Earth fifty-four years and I still blush when I get a compliment from a beautiful woman. The honor's all mine.

With Christ as my compass,
Pastor! Can we keep him, can we keep him, I say, can we keep him?!
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-18-2008, 01:28 AM

Glory to God Almighty! The April 15 release of Jesus Is Gonna Kill You!(©2008 Landover Baptist Records) was a spectacular success.


At the autograph table.

I saw many familiar faces—and some new ones, all lit from within by the light of Christ™—at the signing party this Tuesday. It was a truly glorious occasion. Not only did Ted sell more records and Bibles than on any other day since his store's opening, but my new album became the fastest-selling release in the history of Freehold County! I couldn't have done it without Jesus... or the support of my loyal fans.


My gorgeous wife and songwriting partner, Mrs. Rosalie Wagner Crossburn.

For those who missed it, I also made an exciting and unexpected announcement: on November 3, 2008, I will be releasing a special all-covers EP through Landover Baptist Records. This disc, titled Nuthin' But A Jesus Thang (©2008 Landover Baptist Records) will be available throughout Freehold. As if that wasn't enough, I even gave an impromptu live performance of one of the songs from the upcoming release, a cover version of John Lennon's Imagine. The slightly modified lyrics are reprinted below.

Imagine you're in Heaven
It's easy if you tithe
Earth and Hell below us
Above us only Christ
Imagine all the sinners
Writhing in the fire...

Imagine there's no Muslims
It isn't hard to do
No sodomites or bulldykes
No atheists or Jews
Imagine all God's chosen
Living for eternity...

You may see I'm a Christian
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll accept Jesus
And the world will be as one

Imagine endless riches
I wonder if you can
Gas costs a buck a gallon
Every wife obeys her man
Imagine all Saved people
Laughing at the world...

You may see I'm a Christian
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll accept Jesus
And the world will live as one

In addition to this and the "rump-shakin'" title track, Nuthin' But A Jesus Thang (©2008 Landover Baptist Records) will include such future radio mainstays as Pastor Of Puppets, Should I Pray Or Should I Go (To Hell), and other Christian-themed pop country cover versions of the hot songs that all the kids are listening to. Available for only $8.99, this special release is sure to have heads nodding and voices raised in prayer all across the United States of Jesusland™.

Bathed in His blood,



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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-18-2008, 05:38 AM

Praise Jesus I had a swell time at your new album party, Brother C! And I truly appreciate the 100 autographed copies of your newest CD that you donated to the Church. They'll be for sale on Ebay used as premium gifts for the Tin Tithers in the upcoming Landover Fundraising Week in mid May.

God Bless you Brother, and keep up the good Christian music. Glory!!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-30-2008, 06:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
With such glowing recommendations, I may just let my wife listen to Mr. Crossburn's album while she cooks and cleans.
That seems a bit excessive to control your wife at such a measure?
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-30-2008, 07:10 PM

You seem to know a lot. Are you DWJ's sister?


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Roper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 02-09-2009, 01:24 AM

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It's a good time to be a Christian music fan. My sixth studio LP, HERE COMES THE SON (©2009 Landover Baptist Records) is hitting stores countywide on Saturday, April 18th, one day before Easter Sunday. Prepare to celebrate the anniversary of His Resurrection by purchasing this album and attending the "Meet 'N' Greet" autograph session at Ted's Bible and Music Store (35 Salvation Street) from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM on the day of the album's release.

The track listing is as follows:

1. Here Comes The Son (2:31)
2. O Sweet Sarah! (2:58)
3. Lord of Light (1:44)
4. It's Deuteronomy, Stupid! (2:01)
5. Coonmander In Thief (1:36)
6. (Turn The Homeless Into) Soap (1:39)
7. Days Of Vengeance (2:14)
8. Nuke Mecca (2:20)
9. Gay Bowel Blues (1:57)
10. Jeremiah Wrong (2:12)
11. Our God Is An Awesome God (2:03)
12. Stuck Inside Gomorrah With The Sodom Blues Again (3:14)
13. Ratzi The Nazi (0:56)
14. Rock Of Salvation (2:06)
15. James Earl Ray Day (1:22)
16. The Dawkins Delusion (2:16)
17. Sinners Die, Jesus Laughs (1:45)

With all due humility, I truly believe this is the best record I've ever made. You don't want to spend this Easter without it. I hope you'll enjoy listening to these songs as much as I've enjoyed singing them.

ROPER CROSSBURN - HERE COMES THE SON (©2009 Landover Baptist Records)
In Stores Countywide Saturday, April 18th!

Yours in Him,
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 02-09-2009, 03:58 AM

~~~~Swooooooon~~~~

I think this is your best work yet Brother Crossburn!!!!

Please put me down for 20 copies. I plan on giving some as gifts so please be sure to autograph them for me.

Your most adoring fan!

Sister Thumper


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Swoon~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-24-2009, 04:57 PM

Salutations my fellow good Christians. We must applaud this excellent show of worship. Together we can destroy Pop music and the evils which follow it about like Satan-stench.

I too am a Religious artist on the Crucifixion Records label. I, however, am trying to send the blasphemous hip-hop which destroys the minds of our good christian children straight to HELL and eternal damnation. I counter the sacreligious hip-hop by preaching God-tastic lyrics over the top of your favourite wonderfully harmonious versions of popular hymns.

My EP is out in December! Buy it now: JSaviour, The White Album

Tracklist:
1. If I had MC Hammer
2. A prayer for Eminem (Going to Hell)
3. The Lord's rap
4. The Ten Commandments
5. In Da Church

Here's a little taster:

In Da Church Lyrics (featuring the Eunuch choir of Venice):

[Pasta Giovanni]
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go JC
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a darn
It's not your birthday!

[Chorus] (2x)
You can find me in the church, now sit don't lurch
Listen to the sermon about God's good work
I'm into having sex once I'm married 'n' in love
So don't give me hug unless you want to get snubbed

[PURCHASE NOW TO HEAR MORE!!!]
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-24-2009, 05:20 PM

No thank you, keep your "music" to yourself.
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 04-24-2009, 09:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ugly_Kid_Joe View Post
No thank you, keep your "music" to yourself.
Typical answer from an washed soul.


"Hear this, you kings! Listen, you rulers!
I will sing to the LORD, I will sing;
I will make music to the LORD, the God of Israel." - Judges 5:3
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Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 07-30-2009, 06:40 AM

There is a trick I use... I remove the E string from my bass because the notes on it are too low and inspire people to worship Satan.
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Roper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoper Crossburn has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Praise Jesus! My new album is almost here! - 02-08-2010, 01:27 AM

A major announcement is on the way. Expect it later this week. I don't want to give away any details ahead of time, but let me just say that this a big one -- something my fans have been waiting for all year -- and it's going to make a lot of people very happy. Trust me on this one.

Your pal,
Roper



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