[_The Earthling_]

I'm sorry, my introduction seems to have just caused confusion - I got a bit excited and forget that when dealing with 3-dimentional, nontelepathic, non-time travelling mortals, one has to use chronological order, and also the telepathic movies aren't visible. Just as well - the telepathic movies contained pornographic scenes that would have caused severe faplash in the unitiated.

Also, you don't understand the deep cultural nuances in the font and color changes.

So, I will tell my tale in chronological order, for you prisoners of time:

Chapter one: Earth. A few years ago.

First the good news. For the billions of slimey, tentacled, flesh eating beasts inhabiting my pores, skin and digestive system, it has actually been a pretty good day.

The bad news is that even if I did know of the silent majority that belches contentedly in my armpits and similar climatic zones, I am in no mood to make use of their valued opinion.

My day starts normally with the Walrus Lady and Mafia-man, Mr Sandpaperface and Astoundo the wow-tastic Chipmunk Boy. After the breakfast customers come the lunch mob, including Barracuda girl and Blobby McJarhead. Just a regular day at Burger Sty™ (The name has been changed to protect the innocent - aka me).

It's tragic how one can turn the fascinating into the mundane so fast. Here I am, a rising star in the retail food theater, playing before an audience of hundreds of beautiful human beings with stories to hear and friendships to earn - and what do I do?

Remember them only by secret nicknames, and daydream about being somewhere else, with less people to meet and less grease in the air for my pore-monsters to enjoy.

A while ago I taped a barcode over my nametag, and so far the managers have not noticed, or else they just think it's actually a good idea. (Once I met a customer so nerdy he could read barcodes, and addressed me as "252419". However, from now on I will be referred to as _The Earthling_.)

At the end of my first shift I am informed that my replacement has not arrived. Like a good Canadian teenage zit-farm, I apologize for no reason and then stay for another shift.

And another. I don't remember why I remain for a third shift; at this point I am too tired to think. So is the cook, I'm terrified he will once again start putting too much lettuce into the burgers and accidentally make someone turn healthy.

Now it is evening. We are alone without a manager and the doors are locked, with only the drive-thru operating. It is time to serve the drunk and the crazy.

To be continued...

(At this point I meet my present-day (well, recent-past) self, and he/I basically say what I said here. Do you mind if I repeat myself?)

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Boy, are you on drugs?

[Nobar King]

That's obvious. Boy, Jesus can help you get off the drugs. It's good that you have joined this website. Let the holy spirit of The Lord enter you and you might find salvation here.

[_The Earthling_]

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde

Boy, are you on drugs?

On, under, behind and between....So what? I don't abuse drugs. Unless you count spanking as abusive - and I never say anything mean to them, no "you're worthless, I wish you'd never been perscribed" - THAT messes up a drug more than any spanking does.

Anyway, seeing as part of the profits from my autobiography (I'm already in film talks with David Lynch and the guy who did Speed Racer) will be donated to the One True Church, maybe y'all should start constructing some constructive criticism that's a little more constructive.

[Nurse Clampett]

Originally Posted by _The Earthling_

O
Anyway, seeing as part of the profits from my autobiography (I'm already in film talks with David Lynch and the guy who did Speed Racer) will be donated to the One True Church, maybe y'all should start constructing some constructive criticism that's a little more constructive.

Liar. Not even that cross dressing heathen Ed Wood would have touched your material.
Read the Bible and get your head out of...wherever it's at.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

This is a Christian forum, not the crazy whacko teenaged fool forum.

Time to quiet the voices in your head and let Jesus into your heart.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Your welcome is wearing out. Time for another donation, friend. You know my number.

[Mrs. Rogers]

Originally Posted by _The Earthling_

I'm sorry, my introduction seems to have just caused confusion - I got a bit excited and forget that when dealing with 3-dimentional, nontelepathic, non-time travelling mortals, one has to use chronological order, and also the telepathic movies aren't visible. Just as well - the telepathic movies contained pornographic scenes that would have caused severe faplash in the unitiated.

That's nice, dear. Please know that we are here for you, and are giving you our undivided attention. Perhaps you have happened upon people who find you to be somewhat intense ... ? Well, we Christians are not afraid of you at all! We know that you are NOT responsible for your babbling, nor your tardive dyskinesia: you are being puppeteered by a demon or two, or perhaps five, and it is those demons we shall be ridding you of. Praise!

[_The Earthling_]

Originally Posted by Nurse Clampett

Liar.

I never said anything about the talks being within audible distance, or about them talking back.

[Lisa H]

You story is very strange and you appear to have lost your way to believing in science fiction films. The Lord only asks you to leave your strangeness and believe in Him.

1 Timothy 4:7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness.

[_The Earthling_]

...continued

There are things everywhere that you never saw because you never looked

Another car arrives, and something doesn't seem right. So I....Look at it. I can't describe it any more than I can describe how to wiggle your ears or move your arm. I just look at it.

My mind still says it's a car, but that's not what my eyes are seeing. It's a shiny, hovering, sharklike flying-saucermajig with lots bits glowing in every color except blue.

Just like those woman-not-included advertisements in old car magazines, there's a babe lounging on the hood. She's so smooth my eyes just slide right off of her, and before I can get my oogle on there's a clear-throated throat-clearing sound from the driver's seat.

There, holding on to a steering wheel which hovers above the dashboard, where there sits…I'll have to start at the top and work down.

On top is a skyscraper of a top hat, in psycadelic waving stripes of black and red, with Viking-style horns. Bright orange eyes seem to light his pitch black wrinkled face, giving the effect of cooling lava. He smokes a cigar which creates stringy smoke in colors smoke isn’t supposed to make. White dreadlocks, melted together at points, merge with his tangled vacant-lot meadow of a beard, which at its bottom becomes weaved and merges with his robe. The robe is black with a red stirred-spaggetti mess of odd symbols, as if a madman was making calculations on it during a storm at sea. A belt of bubbling vials crosses his shoulders like Rambo's belt of machine gun ammunition.

As I stare my entire body begins to tingle as if sparks are floating through me, or as if I am a recently freed foot that has been sat upon for all of the years of my life.

"He sees us." He says to the babe, in a deep, echoing voice. "He sees that which is right in front of his face." He turns his volcanic eyes to me "You are THE ONE. It has been prophecized that you shall fullfill a great, glorious, and danger-fraught quest…"

"Wha…"

And then he gives me my quest.

One large coke, no ice.

To be continued...

[Brother Barnabus]

Attention Mr. Earthling !!!!!

A few questions for you:

1. What is telling you drug infested, teen aged, angst ridden self that a cadre of Bible thumpin', holy rollin', scripture quotin' souls ( such as ourselves) would even hallucinate giving a care about your sphincter tightening adventures in fast foodom????

2. Have you ever considered the possibility that Jesus Himself has guided you here so that we can try to save your immortal soul from being eternally char-broiled like the countless bovines that you serve to hungry humanity everyday?

3. Is there a chance that you could be persuaded to try to use your gifts of quirky, ironic observation to describe the God/Jesus experience to your pop culture obsessed, drug infested, short attention spanned peers?