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Exclamation New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-20-2011, 12:40 PM

Friends, rejoice!

Starting today, the good Pastors of the Landover Baptist Church have started a new program to enable bastards to enter the Congregation of the Lord!

Remember:

Deuteronomy 23:2
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Now this is bad news for several people wanting to become a True Christian, with a solid option for eternity in Heaven. We didn't pick our parents or grandparents, right?

Fortunately, after a long brainstorm, consultation with our Joo lawyers, and frantic reading of our beloved KJV, we found a SOLUTION!

Friends: enter BABS. BABS stands for "BAstard Begone System".

I can not divulge all the details, but it simply involves denial of your parents (remember Luke 14:26), the destruction of your (obviously false) birth certificate, and creation of a new birth certificate in Hawaii, with the names of your REAL parents. (we know this has been done before, right? )

It also involves a small payment to our Church for administrative purposes - $25,000* for a single person, $15,000 per further optional brother or sister - a very reasonable sum for our hard work and your Salvation®.

So, don't hesitate, and apply for BABS today. Even when you are not sure if you are a bastard, apply anyway, because you NEVER KNOW!

A simple mail to Pastor Ezekiel with "YES, I'M A BASTARD" will suffice.

So, get those BABS out of your system Friends!

*BABS can be combined with BASH and the Ex-Negro program, just contact us for pricing!


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-20-2011, 12:55 PM

In my excitement, I forgot to say that you can apply for a free bastard-check here online. Wanna be sure that your great great grandmother was not a bastard? Just ask us, and we will get back to you ASAP.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-20-2011, 01:04 PM

I've seen Landover save Nigras, slants, joos, sodomites, Satan-worshippers, harlots and now bastards? Is there anybody LBC can't get Saved©?

"I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance."
Luke 15:7

I know I can think of one forum member who should be very happy about this news!

P.S. Pastor Wide-Open, could I trouble you to check if I'm a bastard? I think my lineage is pure, but you can't be too careful when you're dealing with your immortal soul!


"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-20-2011, 03:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
I've seen Landover save Nigras, slants, joos, sodomites, Satan-worshippers, harlots and now bastards? Is there anybody LBC can't get Saved©?
Just the False Christians, atheists and emos left I think.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-20-2011, 03:21 PM

I might point out folks married in false religions, like Mormon, Catholic, Muslim, Hindu, Nazarene, etc. aren't really married either, and ALL of their kids need to start saving their money so they can enter this wonderful program too!


Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-20-2011, 03:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
I've seen Landover save Nigras, slants, joos, sodomites, Satan-worshippers, harlots and now bastards? Is there anybody LBC can't get Saved©?


Indeed Sister! People call us "racist" or "narrow minded", but we go to great lengths to save all kinds of sinners.

We only stop at blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. Those people are on their own.

Quote:
P.S. Pastor Wide-Open, could I trouble you to check if I'm a bastard? I think my lineage is pure, but you can't be too careful when you're dealing with your immortal soul!
Sure Sister. No problem. BastardBot is running as we speak, and looking good so far. It seems that you are in the ... wait. What? Oh dear.

Let me check again. The program was tested with all our Pastors lineage, and they all turned out to be clear. This may be a false positive.

Hold on.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-21-2011, 07:50 AM

Sister Lycia, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that your current birth certificate seems to be false.

It's a long story, but meet your real daddy:

Name:  hawaii_male.jpg
Views: 131
Size:  23.0 KB

I'm sure that makes you really happy right?

So you better shoot off a mail to Pastor Ezekiel, if you know what I'm saying.

PS: you might also need the Ex-Negro Light program. Just sayin'.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-21-2011, 09:28 AM

I am gobsmacked.

I've been a man of this earth all of my life, unloved by GOD and under a heavy burden. Every single day has been a struggle for me; what is child's play for a True Christian man is a gargantuan quest for me.

Every day, day in, day out, I have suffered... not enough to kill me, but a steady, low-level suffering. I know no other way of living. The only reason I don't kill myself is I know Hell will be worse.

To think that even a monstrous wretch like me could get into Heaven... it's overwhelming. When I was told that two pastors were looking into my dilemma, being spiteful filth I assumed it was just lip service. But no! Those two men actually WORKED to save me, the lowliest of the low, the most feckless of creatures.

You can trust in two things, gentle reader; the unerring Word of God and Landover Baptist. Believe it.

I do have a quandary; how does one accursed actually manage to make $25,000? You would not believe how difficult the simplest of things are when you are reviled by the LORD; even getting to a menial job is a perilous adventure full of tears and horror. Let me submit for your perusal a timeline of one average hour in my life.

TIMELINE

1 to 1:15 p.m.~ Phone alarm goes off, awaken from nightmare in panic on the couch covered in dirty clothes and food. Try to grab phone and knock it under a chair. Twist foot trapped under dog trying to get up, fall off couch, hit head on coffee table, spill drink from prior night on rug. Stand up to walk, get leg caught in laptop cable, fall down to one knee. Get to kitchen, step in dog pee on floor. Hop one legged to get rag, stumble, fall prevented by hanging on the counters, straining shoulder. Clean foot, clean pee, clean spill, locate phone, let out dog, get in shower. No hot water. Cut self shaving. New strange lump noted somewhere.

1:15 to 1:30 p.m.~ Get dressed, putting scrub pants on inside-out unnoticed. Gate left open by neighbor, dog out. Chase and retrieve dog. Get dog back inside, leave duplex without phone, wallet, lunch, or keys. Return and retrieve wallet, leave without phone, lunch, or keys. Get to car, realize no keys, get back inside and retrieve keys and phone, leave without lunch and drive to work.

1:30 to 1:45 p.m.~ On joining traffic, inevitably behind logging truck, gravel truck, or lawn truck with loose tools in the back. Only ads on every station, defying comprehension. Note onset of diarrhea cramps. Realization that lunch was forgotten, low-level rage commencing.

1:45 to 2:00 p.m.~ Road construction or car accident slows traffic. Spill drink on lap, realizing scrub pants are on inside out. Rage-filled rant. Diarrhea cramps now coming in waves. Sigh with relief that windshield not cracked by gravel impacts from truck, warning light on dashboard starts immediately after feeling of relief. Headache begins. Note small burst vessel in eye in rear-view mirror, fear of stroke. Get out of car, shuffle awkwardly into work straight to the bathroom.

END

As you can see, being cursed by the LORD GOD makes life a struggle. I'm not complaining, I deserve every second of it, and I'd rather have bad attention from the LORD than no attention! Any advice would be appreciated, but until that time you know I'm sending every cent I can earn to Landover Baptist until I've earned my place as a True Christian. Then, the curse shall finally be lifted!

Thank you so much Pastors! My gratitude is literally without end. I don't know what I did to deserve the honor of your time. You are giants among men, and if anyone ever crosses you I swear that I will throw myself against them until they are pounded into the dirt or I am dead. It would be the least I could do for you, the very least, to give my life for Landover Baptist.


The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-21-2011, 10:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wide-Open View Post
Sister Lycia, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that your current birth certificate seems to be false.

It's a long story, but meet your real daddy:

I'm sure that makes you really happy right?

So you better shoot off a mail to Pastor Ezekiel, if you know what I'm saying.

PS: you might also need the Ex-Negro Light program. Just sayin'.
Oh Lawd. It dun' all make sense now.

Lookin' back on it, I reckin' the signs was all dere since I was a chillen. I was always shiftless and lazy at da schoolhouse, and I always loved dat grape soda as a little girl. I guess I just ain't never recognized it on account a' bein light-skinned and blonde-haired, but I guess dat don't change da fact I must be a Canaanite and a bastardess. I dun sent dat dere email off to Pastor Zeke and I'ze be hopin y'all be acceptin me into dat Ex-Negro Light program and BABS.

P.S. I knows I don't usually be talkin like dis, but I ain't wantin' to be pollutin' da White Man's American language wit my ramblins' till I be passin' da programs. Hope y'alls understand. Praise Jesus.

P.P.S Would it be appropriate to be changin my name to Lyciaquana or Lyciateefa till I be passin' da programs? I wouldn't be likin' it, but I ain't wanting to appear too uppity.


"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-21-2011, 10:06 AM

A mere $25,000 for assurance of Salvation if your parents weren't married?

I would be all over this. With Pastor's 5000% money back guarantee, you would be a fool to not take advantage of this insurance.

There are financing options available with this. We aren't asking for all your money up front. You can give it to us in small amounts.

Jesus is telling me there is a little old lady whose daddy left her. She has been saving a few dollars here and there. The LORD says there is someone with a $100 bill in the cookie jar. Give it all to us now and we will enroll you in our Guaranteed Salvation™ program. For the price of eating out at the early bird special every night, you could have Salvation!

We are only looking for about $15 a day. It's a small price to pay for your soul!


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-23-2011, 02:53 AM

I have concerns about this program, Brother.

Has it been thoroughly vetted from a theological standpoint?

It sounds remarkably like the Federal Witness Relocation Program. It doesn't change who the real parents are, only the acknowledgment. How will that address God's concerns? Or is this seeking a loophole, whereby the bastard may enter the congregation, and then be born again as a Child of God and cleansed of the sin of Bastardism?


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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-25-2011, 07:56 AM

Sorry for the late reply Friends, but I was in Brussels this weekend, preaching to 35,000 bearded Belgicans (even the women). Yeah, I thought that was weird too.

Anyways!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cursed View Post
To think that even a monstrous wretch like me could get into Heaven... it's overwhelming.
Amazing, isn't it!

Quote:
I do have a quandary; how does one accursed actually manage to make $25,000?
Now now, that's a very small hurdle to take isn't it?

Don't forget:

Malachi 3:8
Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
Oh Lawd. It dun' all make sense now.

Lookin' back on it, I reckin' the signs was all dere since I was a chillen.
Indeed Sister.

Quote:
P.P.S Would it be appropriate to be changin my name to Lyciaquana or Lyciateefa till I be passin' da programs? I wouldn't be likin' it, but I ain't wanting to appear too uppity.
Wouldn't that cause an even bigger relapse into jiggaboo-dom? Like I said, Ex-Negro light is the way to go for you. Pricing available on demand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones View Post
There are financing options available with this. We aren't asking for all your money up front. You can give it to us in small amounts.
Indeed Brother Levi. Mind you, one never knows when God sees it fit to strike Cursed down, squat the poor sinner like a fly, and add one more immortal soul to the depths of hell.

So, just to be on the safe side, a $5,000 down payment looks like the best option for all parties concerned.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
I have concerns about this program, Brother.
You mean you want me to do a check for you too?

Quote:
Has it been thoroughly vetted from a theological standpoint?
But of course! Look, it's impossible for a True Christian to sin, I'm sure you agree. Being a bastard, even a 10th generation one, is a sin. Agreed? So, something else must be wrong. And we invariably find that the person in question is actually NOT a bastard, but that the paperwork has tampered with.

Quote:
It sounds remarkably like the Federal Witness Relocation Program. It doesn't change who the real parents are, only the acknowledgment. How will that address God's concerns? Or is this seeking a loophole, whereby the bastard may enter the congregation, and then be born again as a Child of God and cleansed of the sin of Bastardism?
Loophole? Reverend, I hope you are not accusing us of cheating on God's inerrant words!


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-25-2011, 08:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cursed View Post
To think that even a monstrous wretch like me could get into Heaven... it's overwhelming. When I was told that two pastors were looking into my dilemma, being spiteful filth I assumed it was just lip service. But no! Those two men actually WORKED to save me, the lowliest of the low, the most feckless of creatures.
Matthew 19:26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Quote:
I do have a quandary; how does one accursed actually manage to make $25,000? You would not believe how difficult the simplest of things are when you are reviled by the LORD; even getting to a menial job is a perilous adventure full of tears and horror. Let me submit for your perusal a timeline of one average hour in my life.
Prayer, my friend, prayer. My family is praying for you.

Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

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Umm...... is that a chihuahua in your avatar? Do you launch those things with some sort of sling shot? That would scare me. Then again it gives me an idea for personal protection


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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:06 AM

Hmm. I'm curious about the accuracy of this "bastard checker" system. Check my background, I'll see how accurate it really is.
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by terra_godard7 View Post
Hmm. I'm curious about the accuracy of this "bastard checker" system. Check my background, I'll see how accurate it really is.
They probably already have, but you'll just lie anyways.


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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
They probably already have, but you'll just lie anyways.
You just don't like anyone, do you?
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by terra_godard7 View Post
You just don't like anyone, do you?
That's not true. Take the world's population, subtract the liars, hypocrites, idiots, and assholes, and there's just not many left, I'll admit.


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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
That's not true. Take the world's population, subtract the liars, hypocrites, idiots, and assholes, and there's just not many left, I'll admit.
Gee, where do I fall into that list?
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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by terra_godard7 View Post
Gee, where do I fall into that list?
Who said you did?


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Default Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS! - 01-26-2011, 02:36 AM

Brothers and Sisters,
I think this is a great program! If only LBC had it going a few years back when I got Saved, my salvation would have been alot simpler (and MUCH less expensive).

As all of the True Christians™ and Pastors here know, I was raised on a commune by dirty, stinking hippies. Even my mother couldn't be sure who my father was, as she was a filthy slut who would fall on her back for whoever offered her narcotics. I never had a birth certificate, and up until the day she died from Hepatitis C, my tramp of a Mom called me her Bouncing Baby Bastard. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is knowing that that whore is roasting in the Lake of Fire being raped continuously by demons.

So, for any potential True Christian™ bastards out there, let me be the first to congratulate you! And now, maybe YOU won't have to have a 15% wage garnishment for seven years like I do!




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