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Reload this Page A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! *
WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum A seasonal forum hosted by cyber Bridesmaids, Daisy Mae Johnson, Sister Mary Etheldreda and Sister Talitha . Groomly advice is also offered from Best Man, Pastor Zeke!

 
 
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Professor Bessemer's Avatar
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Default A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 07:15 PM

Brothers and Sisters, I would like to formally invite you to my home for a wonderful, wonderful event. Brother Aaron Portway will be marrying the delightful young Naomi Good at 1:00PM this coming Saturday.

I know this is short notice, but the bride's parents just recently announced that their daughter had turned fourteen and that they were ready for her to become a True Christian™ wife. As most of you know, Brother Portway has been looking for a suitable helpmeet for several years, so it is understandable that he jumped at this glorious opportunity.

Unfortunately, all of our local churches were already booked for various events, and as I had already volunteered to host the reception, my estate was the obvious choice for the actual nuptials.

A short reception will of course follow the ceremony. We are currently contacting and negotiating with Pastors to perform the ceremony. There will be no paper invitations, due to time constraints. Gifts should wrapped and considered compulsory. See you this weekend! Glory!

*Only True Christians Will be Allowed Admittance. Thank You for Your Understanding


Professor of Creation Science and Flood Geology at Landover Baptist University



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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 07:56 PM

Congratulations!

It makes me so happy when a man finds a good wife. The age difference of 25 years shouldn't be a problem. True LOVE overcomes all.

I have a verse for Capt. Portway

Prov 5:18-19 "Let thy fountain be blessed: And rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; And be thou ravished always with her love."

And for the future Mrs Portway

Prov 31:11-12 "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, So that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil All the days of her life."

Oh, how I wish I could attend this True Christian™ wedding!


Matt 5:17-20 "Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven:..."
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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holyfield View Post
Congratulations!

It makes me so happy when a man finds a good wife. The age difference of 25 years shouldn't be a problem. True LOVE overcomes all.

I have a verse for Capt. Portway

Prov 5:18-19 "Let thy fountain be blessed: And rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; And be thou ravished always with her love."

And for the future Mrs Portway

Prov 31:11-12 "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, So that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil All the days of her life."

Oh, how I wish I could attend this True Christian™ wedding!
Thanks for the nice wishes Brother. I'm sorry you can't come.

The Professor has a policy about unsaved people in his house. I think it's got something to do with how he used to be a fag and all.




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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:08 PM


As said in the purchase thread, Mrs Papist is baking away so go nowhere else for the cake. You know how moist and delicious her baking is. And as for the icing... to nibble on her decorations... well let's just say they melt in the mouth. You can see how invitingly the curtain elements on the fringes dangle down inviting you to taste them.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:14 PM

I am thrilled by the prospects of the Holy Nuptials. I assume you do not want me to bring any children under the age of 12 as everyone knows, they are nothing but trouble. So I'll need five tables that seat eight. We will have the steak.
Are you going to do a wedding registry at "Bobs Guns, Ammo and Religious Memorabilia" in downtown Landover?

Edit: I just checked, I do not think Mrs. Hutchins can make it, she has too many chores to do. I'll bring my nieces, Mandi and Brandi in her place.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
I am thrilled by the prospects of the Holy Nuptials. I assume you do not want me to bring any children under the age of 12 as everyone knows, they are nothing but trouble. So I'll need five tables that seat eight. We will have the steak.
Are you going to do a wedding registry at "Bobs Guns, Ammo and Religious Memorabilia" in downtown Landover?
The Professor told me there'd be plenty of room for everybody, so bring whoever (except the kids) as long as they're Saved©. As far as gifts go, I'm pretty set up on guns, but I could always use ammo. I shoot mostly 9mm, but I am low on .50 cal hollow points for my Desert Eagle.

Also, I want to get Naomi set up real nice with lady-type stuff. So anything like mops, brooms, buckets, clothespins, aprons, sponges, cleanser, stuff like that would be great.




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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:27 PM

Oh my goodness I am THRILLED for our dear Captain Portway! And think how much good our little Naomi is doing for God™ and The Church by devoting herself to the home, and HER MAN, despite the vile, worldly temptations lying everywhere about us!

They grow up so fast...
.
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Smile Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
The Professor told me there'd be plenty of room for everybody, so bring whoever (except the kids) as long as they're Saved©. As far as gifts go, I'm pretty set up on guns, but I could always use ammo. I shoot mostly 9mm, but I am low on .50 cal hollow points for my Desert Eagle.
You got it buddy. I'll put a call in to Bob today, I know just what to get! You still have that hitch on the back of your Hummer, right?

Quote:
Also, I want to get Naomi set up real nice with lady-type stuff. So anything like mops, brooms, buckets, clothespins, aprons, sponges, cleanser, stuff like that would be great.
I have a few cases of bleach and ammonia. Mixed it really cleans the house. Put us down for a scrub brush for your soon to be Mrs.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 08:42 PM

If I'm flying across the Atlantic for this occasion I at least want to be assured of a good, juicy spit roast. I hope one of your wives is going to oblige. Outdoors of course, so the juices can really flow and get the flames roaring. I've heard great things of such delights laid on by the ladies of Freehold.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 09:25 PM

Congratulations Captain Portway. I look forwards to your announcement in nine months of a new soldier for Christ.

Of course, I won't be attending - the last thing you want on this happy day is a non True Christian bringing God's displeasure on your wedding - but I hope it wouldn't be to presumptuous to offer a gift.

Does the future Mrs Portway need any dishclothes?
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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 10:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Bessemer View Post
Brothers and Sisters, I would like to formally invite you to my home for a wonderful, wonderful event. Brother Aaron Portway will be marrying the delightful young Naomi Good at 1:00PM this coming Saturday.

I know this is short notice, but the bride's parents just recently announced that their daughter had turned fourteen and that they were ready for her to become a True Christian™ wife. As most of you know, Brother Portway has been looking for a suitable helpmeet for several years, so it is understandable that he jumped at this glorious opportunity.

Unfortunately, all of our local churches were already booked for various events, and as I had already volunteered to host the reception, my estate was the obvious choice for the actual nuptials.

A short reception will of course follow the ceremony. We are currently contacting and negotiating with Pastors to perform the ceremony. There will be no paper invitations, due to time constraints. Gifts should wrapped and considered compulsory. See you this weekend! Glory!

*Only True Christians Will be Allowed Admittance. Thank You for Your Understanding
I'm so sorry that I cannot attend as my shift at work starts in ten minutes but my hopes are that many, many Soldiers of Christ will spring from her youthful nethers to push the forces of Satan back to the lake of fire, before she dies.

As an aside I have many, many articles that I have sequestered over the years re: operant conditioning that I suspect could be very useful in getting you marriage off to a swimming start.

All the best!


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Capt. Aaron Portway's Avatar
Capt. Aaron Portway Capt. Aaron Portway is offline
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Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 10:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine Moore View Post
Congratulations Captain Portway. I look forwards to your announcement in nine months of a new soldier for Christ.

Of course, I won't be attending - the last thing you want on this happy day is a non True Christian bringing God's displeasure on your wedding - but I hope it wouldn't be to presumptuous to offer a gift.

Does the future Mrs Portway need any dishclothes?
Yes! I forgot to mention wash clothes and dish towels. Also, she'll need coveralls and rubber overshoes (size small I guess) for when she's dealing with the hogs. I'm not going to put up with pig poop being tracked into my house.




Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Roberta's Avatar
Roberta Roberta is offline
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Roberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureRoberta has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 10:39 PM

The timings is kinda' bad. Do you have a place I can go to? I don't want to spoil the festivities.

You're not serving fish, are you?


Come climb my mountains.
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TheLordSavedMe's Avatar
TheLordSavedMe TheLordSavedMe is offline
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TheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureTheLordSavedMe has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 10:40 PM

CONGRATULATIONS CAPTAIN!!!




I super-duper TOTTTTTTTAAAALLLLLYY wish I could be there!

But I can't afford to fly there and I don't have time to drive and I have to work tomorrow at The Pita Pit anyways!

I bet Naomi is REALLLLLY nice and she is sssooooooooooo lucky that you're marrying her!

I'll send some presents when I get the chance!








Tammi




Girls, do you have embarrassing "problems" with your down there parts like I used to?
Reverend Jim Osborne can help!




He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. Deuteronomy 32-4
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tyler the earthworm tyler the earthworm is offline
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Posts: 36
Join Date: Mar 2012
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tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Angry Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 10:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holyfield View Post
Congratulations!

It makes me so happy when a man finds a good wife. The age difference of 25 years shouldn't be a problem. True LOVE overcomes all.

I have a verse for Capt. Portway

Prov 5:18-19 "Let thy fountain be blessed: And rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; And be thou ravished always with her love."

And for the future Mrs Portway

Prov 31:11-12 "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, So that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil All the days of her life."

Oh, how I wish I could attend this True Christian™ wedding!


TRUE LOVE HOW IS THAT TRUE LOVE SHE WAS SOLD WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Exodus 22:18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
(#16)
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Professor Bessemer's Avatar
Professor Bessemer Professor Bessemer is offline
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Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 10:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tyler the earthworm View Post
TRUE LOVE HOW IS THAT TRUE LOVE SHE WAS SOLD WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please do not spoil this thread with your unsaved babbling. Why is it so hard for atheists just leave well meaning Christians in peace.


Professor of Creation Science and Flood Geology at Landover Baptist University



Sodomites! Stop being gay TODAY!

Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21
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Dr Laurence Niles's Avatar
Dr Laurence Niles Dr Laurence Niles is offline
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Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 11:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tyler the earthworm View Post
TRUE LOVE HOW IS THAT TRUE LOVE SHE WAS SOLD WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty poor form to come into such a happy time a pollute it with your foul mouthed hate.

Don't you realise that two True Christian™ families coming together in peace and harmony is a good thing?

There is so much hate in the world and this is a happy time. Brother Portway gets a helpmeet who can cook, clean and do his bandages for him and what's her name gets the confirmation that she is doing God's will by obeying Brother Portway in every way.

She is even secure in the knowledge that if she steps out of line he will lovingly correct her with his superior strength.

Glory!


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
(#18)
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tyler the earthworm tyler the earthworm is offline
Unsaved trash, teenaged eurotrash hippie
 
 
Posts: 36
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Offending Jesus with every breath
tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 11:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Bessemer View Post
Please do not spoil this thread with your unsaved babbling. Why is it so hard for atheists just leave well meaning Christians in peace.

um im a wiccan
(#19)
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tyler the earthworm tyler the earthworm is offline
Unsaved trash, teenaged eurotrash hippie
 
 
Posts: 36
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Offending Jesus with every breath
tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.tyler the earthworm is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 11:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurence Niles View Post
Pretty poor form to come into such a happy time a pollute it with your foul mouthed hate.

Don't you realise that two True Christian™ families coming together in peace and harmony is a good thing?

There is so much hate in the world and this is a happy time. Brother Portway gets a helpmeet who can cook, clean and do his bandages for him and what's her name gets the confirmation that she is doing God's will by obeying Brother Portway in every way.

She is even secure in the knowledge that if she steps out of line he will lovingly correct her with his superior strength.

Glory!
You people spred all the hate my friend, i have read this site for several months and all i see is hate no love hate
(#20)
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Grace Smith's Avatar
Grace Smith Grace Smith is offline
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Posts: 3
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In God's Prescence
Grace Smith is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: A Joyous Occasion on Saturday! Come one, Come All! * - 03-30-2012, 11:33 PM

Congratulations on the upcoming marriage! Although I am new here, I know that a True Christian marriage is a true blessing!
 

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