EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Friends, we have been sending missionaries to the Godless island of Japan with little to no success for years now! So ingrained is their deviant behavior that we've been fortunate that our brave Christian soldiers haven't been held down and forced to get Hello Kitty tattoos!

Well, as we know, the Lord has just sent Japan a well-deserved wake up call in the form of two powerful earthquakes and a mighty tsunami! Now is the time to STRIKE while the IRON IS HOT!

We have assembled three teams of Emergency Rescue Missionaries, each led by seasoned Gold Tithers, to get in and bring Japan what it needs most in this time of crisis - the Word of God!

There are two things our ERM teams needs RIGHT NOW - prayers and donations. Please come down to the church or the Ladies of Landover offices and bring your donations of cash and the following URGENT SUPPLIES...

NEEDED
Bibles
Batteries for electronic Bibles

The time for action is NOW! Japan needs our Emergency Rescue Missionaries and with Jesus on our side, we are more than happy to oblige!

Thank you, and God bless.

[Talitha]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

I shall be sending down a supply of waterproof Bibles immediately

[Felicity]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

I shall be sending down a supply of waterproof Bibles immediately

That is so nice of you!

I am sending them a sponge so they can remove all the water.

[James Dewitt]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

The Power of Jesus has come over me. I will pick up the tab for 10,000 bibles and enough batteries for a year. If you ladies would like to deliver them in person, my private jet is yours to use. James.

[Lycia The Repentant]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

Sister Mary, you know I wholeheartedly support sending those heathens exactly what they need in the wake of this great disaster, but is it really wise to be sending them batteries? I mean, it IS Japan, and I know those slopes are known for their GameBoys and creepy sex robots. What's stopping them from taking the batteries out of their electronic Bibles and using them in their sinful electronics instead, thereby bringing about another earthquake?

I just think the money spent on batteries could be better used buying paper KJVs for them.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

That's what I love about our church. Someone comes up with a great idea to save souls for Jesus, everyone pitches in and away we go.

I don't wish the problems of Japan on anyone, but if this tragedy opens some hearts to Jesus, it will be worth whatever price must be paid.

JJH

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

I know everyone is sending the Bible down to the Jappos but I thought I might send them a box or 2 of this Fantastic book called Heart Like Water written by Joshua Clark. It is an inspirational story of survival of the people trapped in New Orleans by the Hurricaines and the flooding.I figure it will do the nippos good to know that they aren't the only one to experience this kind of thing. I mean these people in the book survived Katrina!

[James Hutchins]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

Has anyone heard from Pastor Ezekiel? What about his supply of emergency Bibles, weapons and canned beans stashed in the mountains? Shouldn't we get that stuff out of Japan before those inscrutable gook looters come?

[SUV]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

Has anyone heard from Pastor Ezekiel?

Jesus, YES! What if he is running low on BIBLES?!

[Nobar King]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

There were some free Bibles left over from the Mission to Australia. Even for free, you can't get some people to take a Bible. Well, maybe the Japs will like them more:

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

There were some free Bibles left over from the Mission to Australia. Even for free, you can't get some people to take a Bible. Well, maybe the Japs will like them more:

The problem with some of the free Bibles in Australia is we had them labeled as free. All the free Bibles we had disguised as privately owned personal property were, as predicted, "stolen" by those crime-loving descendants of convicts.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

FINALLY! I should have known Landover would be organizing a mission to give the Japanese what they really need -- JESUS!

All the other charities are focusing on food, clean water, medical supplies, and Scientology touch-healing.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

The Ladies of Landover are pleased as punch to announce a letter writing campaign in aid of the Godless nips in Japan.
We need every able-bodied lady to come down to our offices where we will be writing letters to Greenpeace and every other blubber-hugging anti-free enterprise organization demanding they lay off of Japan's whaling fleet at during these trying times. Now, more than ever, Japan needs to hunt whales so they can be sure to have enough food to feed their population until they get their infrastructure back up and running.

Thank you, and God bless.

[Lola Handcock]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

Sister should we be encouraging the yellow bastards to eat whales? I mean they are not fish with scales.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: EMERGENCY MISSION TO JAPAN

Sister should we be encouraging the yellow bastards to eat whales? I mean they are not fish with scales.

Heck, they could eat shellfish for all I care. They're already damned to Hell unless they scrape by long enough for us to save their worthless souls. Once that's done, then they can starve to death happy in the knowledge that they'll get a passing grade from Jesus.