Can you love Jesus too much?

**Billy Bob Jenkins** · 08-13-2010, 03:10 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

The only way I can imagine a woman might love Jesus too much is if she finds herself fantasizing about Him sexually. When performing missionary style coitus, do you find your thoughts wandering toward His pink loincloth and His long, wavy locks? If so, you should firmly fix your thoughts on having a son instead.

**Sister Christina** · 08-13-2010, 03:34 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post

The only way I can imagine a woman might love Jesus too much is if she finds herself fantasizing about Him sexually. When performing missionary style coitus, do you find your thoughts wandering toward His pink loincloth and His long, wavy locks? If so, you should firmly fix your thoughts on having a son instead.

I wouldn't exactly call it fantasizing, it's more like flashing images I can't control.

I will try to fix my thoughts and focus on being fertilized.
Thank you for the advice, Brother Billy Bob, it's really appreciated.

**WilliamJenningsBryan** · 08-13-2010, 08:03 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

I must express some skepticism of reports of True Christian™ wives suddenly expressing overwhelming love of Jesus. It arises out of an incident several years ago amongst our congregation, and obviously I can't name anyone directly. In the process of reviewing the credit card bills for the Christmas shopping season it was discovered that one of the wives had ventured to a "Toy" store beyond Freehold (or maybe it was on the InterTubes – in honor of our recently departed Republican Senator Ted Stevens) to purchase a "gift" for herself. When confronted she euphemistically referred to the purchase as an "Enegizer Bunny" – which had also somehow led to a sudden rise in the household consumption of "D" cell batteries.

The details of all this escape me for the moment, and it was also couched in rumors and innuendo. It all happened about the time that Brother Nobar started his popular "Flashlight" thread here on the Landover Baptist Forums (discussing all manner of flashlights and batteries).

**Capt. Aaron Portway** · 08-13-2010, 08:10 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by DenmarkianLady View Post

I wouldn't exactly call it fantasizing, it's more like flashing images I can't control.

I will try to fix my thoughts and focus on being fertilized.
Thank you for the advice, Brother Billy Bob, it's really appreciated.

Maybe you could think of Jesus on the cross all bloody and dying while your husband mounts you to plant his holy seed? I would also recommend some Old Testament verses about children being dashed on the rocks or eaten by she-bears that he could read aloud while performing his shameful marital duty. PM me if you need the specific verses. Or if you wanted, I could record myself reading the verses loudly and forcefully, and you could play them back as the two of your are doing the marriage act.

This would probably take care of those explosions you're describing. They sound horribly painful!

**Sister Christina** · 08-13-2010, 08:42 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by WilliamJenningsBryan View Post

I must express some skepticism of reports of True Christian™ wives suddenly expressing overwhelming love of Jesus. It arises out of an incident several years ago amongst our congregation, and obviously I can't name anyone directly. In the process of reviewing the credit card bills for the Christmas shopping season it was discovered that one of the wives had ventured to a "Toy" store beyond Freehold (or maybe it was on the InterTubes – in honor of our recently departed Republican Senator Ted Stevens) to purchase a "gift" for herself. When confronted she euphemistically referred to the purchase as an "Enegizer Bunny" – which had also somehow led to a sudden rise in the household consumption of "D" cell batteries.

I'm not quite sure where you are going with all this, Mr. JenningsBryan, but I can assure you that I have never owned an "Energizer Bunny" nor do my household have a big consumption of any kind of batteries.
My ~~equipment~~ flashlights now use suncells...energy that The Lord Himself provides.

Originally posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post

Or if you wanted, I could record myself reading the verses loudly and forcefully, and you could play them back as the two of your are doing the marriage act.

I'm not sure if this will work, but I'm very eager to give it a try. You really are a True Christian™, Mr. Portway, willing to go through such lengths to help me. Praise your sweet sweet soul!

This would probably take care of those explosions you're describing. They sound horribly painful!

Erm...yes yes, they are very painful indeed.

**Capt. Aaron Portway** · 08-13-2010, 08:54 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by DenmarkianLady View Post

I'm not sure if this will work, but I'm very eager to give it a try. You really are a True Christian™, Mr. Portway, willing to go through such lengths to help me. Praise your sweet sweet soul!

As head pilot for Landover AirJesus I am often in godless Europe on pastoral business. I could always make a side trip to Denmark and read something like the following from another room as your husband performs his manly duty upon you.

It is in my desire that I should chastise them; and the people shall be gathered against them, when they shall bind themselves in their two furrows.

And Ephraim is as an heifer that is taught, and loveth to tread out the corn; but I passed over upon her fair neck: I will make Ephraim to ride; Judah shall plow, and Jacob shall break his clods.

Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.

Ye have plowed wickedness, ye have reaped iniquity; ye have eaten the fruit of lies: because thou didst trust in thy way, in the multitude of thy mighty men.

Hosea 10:10-13

**Sister Christina** · 08-13-2010, 09:03 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post

As head pilot for Landover AirJesus I am often in godless Europe on pastoral business. I could always make a side trip to Denmark and read something like the following from another room as your husband performs his manly duty upon you.

Well, Mr. Portway, I am quite positive that those scriptures would take my mind of those images I see, but if they will make the explosion go away, I'm not so sure.

It's definitely worth a try though. How can we return your benevolence?
I will of course provide you with all the pie you wish. My cherry pie is the best, but I'm also well versed in Danish pastry. Just take your pick.

**Capt. Aaron Portway** · 08-13-2010, 09:08 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by DenmarkianLady View Post

Well, Mr. Portway, I am quite positive that those scriptures would take my mind of those images I see, but if they will make the explosion go away, I'm not so sure.

It's definitely worth a try though. How can we return your benevolence?
I will of course provide you with all the pie you wish. My cherry pie is the best, but I'm also well versed in Danish pastry. Just take your pick.

That is a very kind offer! I absolutely adore cherry pie and I bet yours is sweet and juicy. Truth be told, I haven't had the chance to eat pie in quite some time. I truly believe that I could eat your cherry pie until there was nothing left!

After that, I could take you for a ride in the AirJesus jet for as long as you wanted. It has a rather long range, meaning it can stay up in the air for a long time.

I look froward to visiting you and your husband next time I am in godless Europe!

**Sister Christina** · 08-13-2010, 09:15 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post

That is a very kind offer! I absolutely adore cherry pie and I bet yours is sweet and juicy. Truth be told, I haven't had the chance to eat pie in quite some time. I truly believe that I could eat your cherry pie until there was nothing left!

After that, I could take you for a ride in the AirJesus jet for as long as you wanted. It has a rather long range, meaning it can stay up in the air for a long time.

I look froward to visiting you and your husband next time I am in godless Europe!

Glory! I was hoping you would take me for a ride on your enormous jet.

Just let me know a couple of hours before your arrival. I'll make sure to have a sweet and warm cherry pie ready for you.

**TheLordSavedMe** · 08-13-2010, 09:19 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

This thread is making me feel funny and sweaty and I don't know why.

Tammi

**Capt. Aaron Portway** · 08-13-2010, 09:22 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by DenmarkianLady View Post

Glory! I was hoping you would take me for a ride on your enormous jet.

Just let me know a couple of hours before your arrival. I'll make sure to have a sweet and warm cherry pie ready for you.

That would be wonderful! I will be sure to let you know when I will in your godless heathen country. It will be nice to be received warmly by such a fine upstanding Christian as yourself. I can hardly get the thoughts of your delicious pie out of my mind! Praise!

**Sister Christina** · 08-13-2010, 09:24 PM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by TheLordSavedMe View Post

This thread is making me feel funny and sweaty and I don't know why.

Tammi

Do you own an Energizer Bunny, Sister Tammi? Apparently they can cause some disturbance.

**TheLordSavedMe** · 08-14-2010, 01:33 AM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by DenmarkianLady View Post

Do you own an Energizer Bunny, Sister Tammi? Apparently they can cause some disturbance.

You know, I DO have one of those! Here is a picture I just took with my phone! Do you think it's toxic or something?

Is that what is making me feel warm and lightheaded? I had to use TWO of Reverend Jim's Prayer Cloths today too!

Should I throw the bunny away?

Tammi

**WilliamJenningsBryan** · 08-14-2010, 10:10 AM

Re: Can you love Jesus too much?

Originally posted by TheLordSavedMe View Post

You know, I DO have one of those! Here is a picture I just took with my phone! Do you think it's toxic or something?

Is that what is making me feel warm and lightheaded? I had to use TWO of Reverend Jim's Prayer Cloths today too!

....
Should I throw the bunny away?

Tammi

It does appear threatening despite its pink color. At the very least it should be immobilized in some way – perhaps with handcuffs.

Can you love Jesus too much?

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