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  • #1

    Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

    Even your curse is a blessing to me, O Savior! Please forgive me for complaining about that which You, in Your infinite wisdom, have chosen to smite me with...but it itches so badly, Jesus! So very, very badly....

    It is as though a legion of fire ants has been channeled into the nethermost recess of my being, Lord, skittering to and fro with impunity, and vomiting their pestilence upon the vestibule of my shame. Even the rigorous application of the wire brush offers no succour! Shine your Light upon me in this darkest hour, my King!! Lord, if it be your will...grant me relief!! Help me before my agonies make me dig too deep!

    Please pray for me, Brothers. Job couldn't have had it worse...
    Tags: anal itch: a mixed blessing, delusions of parasitosis, festering nether-region, jesus cured my crotch-rot!
  • #2
    Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

    Praying

    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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    • #3
      Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

      Have you been preaching to the whores again brother?
      Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.

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      • #4
        Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

        Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
        Even the rigorous application of the wire brush offers no succor!
        Oh dear. Put down the wire brush and try some cold compresses.

        Do you have a daughter who can apply them? I forget...


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        EDIT: (Chamomile tea bags that have been slightly boiled then cooled might help, too, along with cucumber rounds that have soaked in ice water.)


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        EDIT EDIT: I've never tried those myself, of course, as there's no need, but I hear those are good for puffy eyes, anyway. .So...


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        EDIT EDIT EDIT: You can also swirl two spoons in a glass of ice water, and apply the rounded sides to [theoretical] puffy eyes.


        .

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        • #5
          Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

          Thank you for your prayers!

          I am happy to report that Jesus has scratched deeply of my itch With His healing hand and has taken the burden of it upon Himself, leaving me clean & uninflamed 1 Peter 5:7...praise Him.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!


            PRAISE!

            did the icy spoons help?

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

              Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
              Thank you for your prayers!

              I am happy to report that Jesus has scratched deeply of my itch With His healing hand and has taken the burden of it upon Himself, leaving me clean & uninflamed 1 Peter 5:7...praise Him.
              Amzing what his power can achieve, now if he would stop world hunger

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

                Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
                Thank you for your prayers!
                I take my responsibility as an American Bride of Christ Prayer Warrior very seriously, Brother. I am grateful to know the LORD has answered my prayer with a resounding YES!
                Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Sweet Baby Jesus, MAKE THE ITCHING STOP!!!

                  Originally posted by God_Child View Post
                  Amzing what his power can achieve, now if he would stop world hunger
                  Well, if people deny Him of course they're going to go hungry, DUH.

                  Deuteronomy 28:47-48 Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee.

                  No True Christian™ has EVER gone hungry. Heck, I just had a grilled cheese sandwich!



                  Yours in Christ,

                  Z. Smyth
                  sigpic

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