2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

[WWJDnow]

Nobody does a Hell House like we do here at the Landover Baptist Church, and this year we're going to be setting a new bar. Sure, your run-of-the mill Evangelical megachurch puts on a good show, and I'll never criticize others who are out there on the line saving souls. But this year Landover is upping the ante by featuring real Hellbound sinners. Here's just a taste of the attractions that will scare you white (just joking, I know that you're already white!):

• Genuine negro drug gang members threatening the visitors.
• Actual wiccans (captured during last year's wicca hunt) performing a black mass.
• Honest-to-goodness thieves picking the pockets of visitors.
• Real acts of homosexual sodomy ruining heterosexual marriages live onstage.
• Jews eating Christian babies (OK, we're just simulating the baby eating, but the Jews are real).
• A blasphemer of the Holy Ghost.
• Women disobeying their husbands.
• Catholics bowing down to their Jesus idols.
• A man coveting his neighbor's ass.
• And a bunch of sinners committing sins too disgusting to list on a church website.

Don't just see the sins acted out, but come experience them firsthand! For an extra fee, visitors will even be able to torment these sinners the way they will be tormented in the fiery pits of Hell! It promises to be a fun night of thrills and chills for the entire family, with a good, wholesome Christian message. Just don't ask me how we've arranged for the participation of real life sinners, because I'm not sure that it's legal in the State of Iowa.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

As usual another well laid plan. I have concerns on one thing though, do you really want to expose our youngsters to Wive's not obeying their Husbands. I just don't think it is appropriate under any circumstances.
Also I have seen nothing concerning a witch hunt? I thought that with the Mayor seizing all the woodpiles in town we were in for one hell of a bonfire and what is a bonfire without a witch on top?

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

Due to the shocking nature of the exhibit I shall be on hand to administer therapy to those young youths who are too shaken up by their ordeal to immediately intergrate back to their families.

These young men need the delicate touch that only intense and vigorous therapy can provide. It is a process that often leaves them visibly shaken but with a firm knowledge Jesus.

YIC

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

And yet once again, Dr. Niles demonstrates in a very real way his commitment to the youth of the church. Oh, Jesus, how I praise Your Name that we have Dr. Niles in our midst. I don't know how other churches protect their young people, but it's one thing we never have to worry about in Landover. May God richly bless you, Dr. Niles, for the efforts you take. I don't know a young person in this area that Dr. Niles has not wrapped his arm around, pulling them into a group hug with Jesus. Glory!

I do have a question about these exhibits: Will they be properly restrained so as not to touch the True Christians(TM) in attendance? God is my protector, but a heavy gauge chain only serves to strengthen my faith in Him.

In our Lord,
NRL

[Des]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

That tormenting the sinners thing. Is that pay by the hour? If so, do you have any Asian witches on hand?

[Jim Farmer]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

Can I attend?
I have a large rod that I would love to use on the homers. To give them a taste of what comes when God smites them and they go to Hell.


2 Samuel 7:13-14
12 And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels, and I will establish his kingdom. 13 He shall build an house for my name, and I will stablish the throne of his kingdom for ever. 14 I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

We have plenty of competition out there, True Christians(tm).

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

My fiance is putting one on, and while our church probably cannot match Landover, we can try to borrow some of the ideas, with your permission to bring souls back to the Lord. Is that ok?

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

My fiance is putting one on, and while our church probably cannot match Landover, we can try to borrow some of the ideas, with your permission to bring souls back to the Lord. Is that ok?

There are some wonderful ideas there from Mr Dnow particularly towards the end of the list.

I hope to be in California later this month so if your fiancé needs a hand with anything I'll make every effort to get him off on the right foot for this important ministry. In fact I do have some interesting fabric available together with costume suggestions and you're welcome to whatever's left over.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

There are some wonderful ideas there from Mr Dnow particularly towards the end of the list.

I hope to be in California later this month so if your fiancé needs a hand with anything I'll make every effort to get him off on the right foot for this important ministry. In fact I do have some interesting fabric available together with costume suggestions and you're welcome to whatever's left over.

Thank you for your generosity Mrs. MitzaLizalor! Luke 6:38 "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again."

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

I think as a finishing touch, we should share the Good News by dousing visitors with the Ebola strand and proselytize to them how the Good Lord Jesus is merciful and will Reward them in Eternity, but their new-found parasitic plague horribly devouring their intestines and making them bleed inside out is only the beginning of what Satan has awaiting for them should they keep him as their Master.

[Adam Fag]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

I think as a finishing touch, we should share the Good News by dousing visitors with the Ebola strand and proselytize to them how the Good Lord Jesus is merciful and will Reward them in Eternity, but their new-found parasitic plague horribly devouring their intestines and making them bleed inside out is only the beginning of what Satan has awaiting for them should they keep him as their Master.

God does not say to make them sick, but to heal them.

TAKE YOUR PICK:

http://biblehub.com/luke/11-12.htm

[Brother Temperance]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

God does not say to make them sick, but to heal them.

TAKE YOUR PICK:

http://biblehub.com/luke/11-12.htm

God also tells us:
Proverbs 1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;
Proverbs 1:27 When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.

[WWJDnow]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

Also I have seen nothing concerning a witch hunt? I thought that with the Mayor seizing all the woodpiles in town we were in for one hell of a bonfire and what is a bonfire without a witch on top?

Halloween at Landover wouldn't be Halloween without a witch hunt. I hope I'm not spoiling any surprises, but I saw a couple of Apache helicopters in the church hangar, so this year's witch hunt should be a real blast.

I do have a question about these exhibits: Will they be properly restrained so as not to touch the True Christians™ in attendance? God is my protector, but a heavy gauge chain only serves to strengthen my faith in Him.

No need to worry. We don't expect the True Christian™ casualty rate to be more than 3-4%. We consider Safety First to be a very strong guideline.

That tormenting the sinners thing. Is that pay by the hour? If so, do you have any Asian witches on hand?

I don't know about the pricing--it might be pay per scream. Asian witches aren't all that common in Iowa, but, for a high tither like you, I'm sure we can scare up a few. Maybe we can trade a few fornicators for some slants with one of our affiliate churches in California this year. We have fornicators coming out of the woodwork.

Can I attend? I have a large rod that I would love to use on the homers. To give them a taste of what comes when God smites them and they go to Hell.

If I can clear it with LBC security, then sure. The Hell House itself is open to the public, but access to the church compound is strictly controlled since that gang of roving half-naked liberals tried to hold a combination non-violent sit-in/folk music festival in the tabernacle back in 1972. I'm sure you understand--we really don't want to have to drag out the dogs and the fire hoses again, since even the non-violent liberals cause a surprising amount of damage when you try to teach them a lesson in respecting authority (more to the hoses than to the dogs, who can protect themselves just fine, but the hoses are expensive).

We have plenty of competition out there, True Christians™.

I have to admit, that is a damned good Hell House, with truly fine acting. I was so scared watching that video that I nearly pissed my pants! But we'll top it, with room to spare. Guaranteed.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: 2014 Landover Hell House Promises To Be The Best Yet

WWJDnow

Halloween at Landover wouldn't be Halloween without a witch hunt. I hope I'm not spoiling any surprises, but I saw a couple of Apache helicopters in the church hangar, so this year's witch hunt should be a real blast.

Sounds great and I will be happy to make a donation to the Pastor's Halloween slush fund if I were to get early notice of ticket sales for that ride!