Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Just letting everyone know that I have devised a sure-fire Holy Ghost cure for the Ebola, available to all who have $500 American money in hand.

It's a combination of Prayer and a blessed ointment I came up with. Supplies are limited, and the price may suddenly rise, so get yours nownownow before Obama gives you the Ebola!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Pastor Ezekiel, I hear that Landover Baptist Church is in urgent need of funds. I have an idea. You could market the ointment online, targeting the West Africa market. Sell it for say, $1000. Now, as we God doesn't want it to work on those heathen nigro savages, don't tell them that it only works in conjunction with prayer. I am sure that nearly every nigro savage in Africa (and elsewhere) would buy it. They'd still die, so couldn't sue you for it not working. And God and Landover would benefit from the cash injection.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

P.S. Whenever I come up with cunning plans like this one, my friends call me 'Baldrick'. I'm not sure why?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Pastor Ezekiel, I hear that Landover Baptist Church is in urgent need of funds. I have an idea. You could market the ointment online, targeting the West Africa market. Sell it for say, $1000. Now, as we God doesn't want it to work on those heathen nigro savages, don't tell them that it only works in conjunction with prayer. I am sure that nearly every nigro savage in Africa (and elsewhere) would buy it. They'd still die, so couldn't sue you for it not working. And God and Landover would benefit from the cash injection.

Spearchuckers don't have any US Dollars, and I'm not about to let the cure go for koala pelts. Plus, I'm not sure the cure would work on a ni......

Oh wait, I see what you mean....

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Spearchuckers don't have any US Dollars...

They can get hold of any currency they want, if they want to badly enough - i.e. if it will pay for them to get on a boat to the poorly-defended shores of southern Europe and so on up into Godless Britain, where they will be treated for free for the AIDS, the Ebola and all their other diseases under our shameful Obamacare system - all the while infecting our people, some of whom work in tourist destinations which might be visited by decent, Godly Americans.

So all you need to do is get the price right, Pastor - i.e. fractionally less than what they'd pay for the boat trip. If you need any research done, I can get my older boys to work on a research project. They just love applying their skills.

[God_Child]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Does this cure work for asians as well?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Does this cure work for asians as well?

Yes, but it'll cost them a lot more.

[WWJDnow]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Is this just a cure, or can you use it to prevent Ebola, too? I live in New York City, and we have a lot of negroes here, so I'm in constant fear that one of those black voodoo diseases will infect me. Especially if I have to extract one of their teeth and replace it with a gold implant.

And, Pastor Zeke, you're one of the best Christians I know, so if you say it works, I know it works.

[LordHaveMercy]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Brother, how many times a day can you produce this ointment? I assume it is done by hand?

God Bless!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Is this just a cure, or can you use it to prevent Ebola, too? I live in New York City, and we have a lot of negroes here, so I'm in constant fear that one of those black voodoo diseases will infect me. Especially if I have to extract one of their teeth and replace it with a gold implant.

And, Pastor Zeke, you're one of the best Christians I know, so if you say it works, I know it works.

Its preventative powers are even stronger than its curative powers. The Love Offering required has gone up considerably though. Better get your order in today.

Brother, how many times a day can you produce this ointment? I assume it is done by hand?

God Bless!

All done by hand, Praise Jesus. So you don't forget, order by midnight tonight.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

What if somebody needs this cure ASAP, but they don't have the money?

Can LBC Lending help them out with a secured loan if they have collateral?

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

What if somebody needs this cure ASAP, but they don't have the money?

Can LBC Lending help them out with a secured loan if they have collateral?

Brother, I think that those who "cannot afford" the cure might well be unworthy in the eyes of Jesus.

Hebrews 11:40 God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.

In addition, we have these verses:
I John 5:14-15
And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.


This clearly shows that if the person requiring assistance is spiritually at an exemplary level and if his request is in concert with God's will, inadequate funding is not going to be an issue. GOD WILL PROVIDE. It is the lack of faith that is most often the obstacle.




Yours in Christ,


Elmer

[WWJDnow]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Is there a suppository version for older True Christians(TM)?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

What if somebody needs this cure ASAP, but they don't have the money?

Can LBC Lending help them out with a secured loan if they have collateral?

Does God make deals like that? No, He doesn't. He doesn't promise Salvation(c) on an installment plan. It's all or nothing, friend.

Surely you have possessions you could sell. A car, a house, a child?

Is there a suppository version for older True Christians™?

Yes, but I have to administer those myself.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Ebola Cures $500 (Cash Only)

Surely you have possessions you could sell. A car, a house, a child?

Oh, I wasn't asking for myself. I'm pretty sure I won't get ebola, because I avoid Ethiopian restaurants and whores.