Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

[Elmer G. White]

Just after Sodomy, adultery (Exodus 20.14) is probably both the most repulsive sin imaginable and the most urgent hazard to the human race as a whole. At its worst, this whoredom results in the conception of a bastard: an illegitimate baby that will carry both the original sin (Genesis 3 whole chapter) and the sins of its progenitors (Deuteronomy 23:2) for generations to come. It is thus of utmost importance to

1. Decrease the number of adulterous relationships as much as possible,
2. Be constantly informed of a woman's whoredom status: if she has committed adultery or not and
3. Assess if God despises bastards enough to prevent them from being born.

No 1 is covered by the Godly Marriage and the submission of the wife to her husband (Ephesians 5:22). Our task is hence targeted at No 2-3. I am proud to tell you that our Creation Science Team is on the brink of having a practical application for Pastors and husbands to recognize the adulterous fetus at an early stage, punish the whoredomous woman while saving the innocent and discarding the bastard fetus ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

As always, the methodology rests on the Bible and Prayer. Our research initiative consisted of 3 steps as follows:

1. Asking Jesus for advice (the Bible).
2. Praying to determine how to proceed.
3. The actual experimentation (ongoing) based on the procedure based on Prayer based on the Bible.

As the experiments require lots of study subjects, we are announcing the preliminary results at this early stage.


Adultery is revolting to Jesus.


Step 1: The Bible

What does the Bible say about adulterous bastard in the embryonic or fetal stage?
Numbers 5:12-28
Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner; And the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be not defiled: Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon; for it is an offering of jealousy, an offering of memorial, bringing iniquity to remembrance. And the priest shall bring her near, and set her before the LORD: And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water: And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and uncover the woman's head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which is the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse: And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband: Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell; And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water: And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter. Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman's hand, and shall wave the offering before the LORD, and offer it upon the altar: And the priest shall take an handful of the offering, even the memorial thereof, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward shall cause the woman to drink the water. And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people.And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed.

A long passage. Let us examine the most pivotal points.

• This is all about the husband. It is the man's right to be jealous and suspicious. If he is, the woman shall be examined. The offerings for our Pastors can be fairly easily purchased.
• The women need cooperate only marginally by saying "Amen, amen". Suitable threats will probably work here.
• There must be some holy water available in addition to dust. No problem.
• There must also be bitter water available.
• If the women is guilty (they usually are): she will lose the bastard fetus and be barren forever. If she has not yet given birth, she cannot be saved (1 Timothy 2:15). If she be innocent, it's business as usual with fornication aimed at begetting (Genesis 1:28).

Ergo - What Jesus suggests is as follows: test the woman for adultery with bitter water. If guilty, the punishment (barren woman) and the discarding of the bastard (her thigh shall rot = miscarriage) have been taken care of.


Step 2: Prayer

All this seemed easy and very useful. A foolproof way to determine if the fetus belongs to the husband. Our first prayers were answered and Jesus suggested we go further. The second prayer week brought us to the research question: WE HAD TO RECREATE THIS "BITTER WATER", the recipe of which has been unfortunately lost during the millennia.



Step 3: Re-discovering the abortifacient of Jesus Christ!



The ecstatic part of studying the Bible and Prayer were over. Now we had to find out the ingredients for the bitter water. We deduced that the water would have to be bitter before administering it to the woman, as "the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse". This means that the water was bitter while in the priest's hand. Thus, we searched for bitter ingredients that were known to the Joos of Old Testament times. Again, the answer was provided by Jesus Christ!

Exodus 12:8
And they shall eat the flesh in that night, roast with fire, and unleavened bread; and with bitter herbs they shall eat it.

Of course: bitter herbs. There were several available for the OT wives:

• Maror: A bitter herb, symbolizing the Israelites' time in Egypt
• Chazeret: Also a Maror or bitter herb (usually lettuce)
• Karpas: A vegetable other than a bitter herb; dipped in salt

Nowadays they have more mundane names, chicory, coriander, dandelion, horehound (not to be confused with whorehound), endive, horseradish, mint, sorrel, thistle, and wormword.


This is the horehound.

Based on Jesus' words, we also added some gall of goat:

Deuteronomy 32:32
For their vine is of the vine of Sodom, and of the fields of Gomorrah: their grapes are grapes of gall, their clusters are bitter:



We have now prepared a suitable extract to be tested on a large scale (the actual recipes remain trade secrets until patented).



Step 4. Experimentation.

At the moment we are recruiting jealous men (True Christians™ do not usually have this problem with their wives so we're using heathens and false Christians). They will bring us their women to be tested for adultery. The procedure is simple as described in the Bible. There are, however, some caveats.

• False positives: A woman becomes barren without adultery. Thus, DNA-testing is included by comparing the genetic markers of the husband to those of the fetus.
• False negatives: A woman does not experience miscarriage despite whoredom (Jeremiah 3:9). The same DNA-procedure will tell us if the testing works.

The fate of the aborted fetus? One may ask if the fetus is guilty, but of course it is. It is stained by Original Sin (Genesis 3:17). It must bear the punishment for its progenitors' sin, as well (Deuteronomy 23:2). In addition, as a bastard, God finds it repulsive (Deuteronomy 23:2) and, if born, it will have to live in Ashdod (Zechariah 9:6; believe me, you don't want to live there). Furthermore, its chances for Salvation are practically zero. Thus, Hell is inevitable and it can be better to spend the Eternity in Hell without being sentient, which would add the Spiritual Torment on top of the Physical one that consists of rectal violations by Satan's demons.

Success is just around the corner. At last, the first time since the Moses's times, the husbands can know for certain if their wives have conceived out of wedlock. The formula for the bitter water remains to be perfected but we're expecting marvelous results any day now!



We must finish with a reminder. This (adultery and bastard fetuses) is the ONLY case when Jesus endorses abortion and then only if the HUSBAND asks for it. It is the husband's task to be suspicious and jealous just like our LORD (Exodus 34:14).


The principal beneficiaries of this new method endorsed by Jesus are women.

Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

Step 4. Experimentation.

At the moment we are recruiting jealous men (True Christians™ do not usually have this problem with their wives so we're using heathens and false Christians). They will bring us their women to be tested for adultery. The procedure is simple as described in the Bible.

Professor, will you accept unmarried women? I suspect one of my daughters is sneaking out of the house and if she's secretly a whore, I'd like to know right away. And besides, no good can come from the uterus of a whore, and so it's not like it will glorify God in any way, and why should Mr. Etheldreda continue to feed her and keep her in the house unless she repents? There's no reason to let her loose onto society to whelp out other whore babies, and probably gay ones, too. I can drop her off at your convenience. I'll tell her she's needed to help take care of some kittens one of the creationist scientists found some kittens or something. You'll be able to figure out some way to give her the bitter roots. She's not that big, or strong. At 14, she won't put up much of a fight.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

Professor, will you accept unmarried women? I suspect one of my daughters is sneaking out of the house and if she's secretly a whore, I'd like to know right away. And besides, no good can come from the uterus of a whore, and so it's not like it will glorify God in any way, and why should Mr. Etheldreda continue to feed her and keep her in the house unless she repents? There's no reason to let her loose onto society to whelp out other whore babies, and probably gay ones, too. I can drop her off at your convenience. I'll tell her she's needed to help take care of some kittens one of the creationist scientists found some kittens or something. You'll be able to figure out some way to give her the bitter roots. She's not that big, or strong. At 14, she won't put up much of a fight.

Sister,

You have my prayers with your repulsive situation. That said, I'm not totally sure you undestood the current state-of-the-art regarding adulterous bastards. I admit that age 14 is a difficult one: should we judge the harlot female as a child or as a woman?

The answer is in Numbers 5. See above. A married female is a woman and her escapades are adultery and whoredom. Unless your daughter is married, she is a child and a whore but not adulterous. Moreover, the method Jesus designed is used at the request of a HUSBAND, as the husband is the one who could suffer from being a cuckold, not the woman, nor the bastard. Without a husband, we cannot proceed. Obviously, a quick marriage would solve this dilemma. Also, there is the question of pregnancy, as the method works in pregnant females only. We will have to wait about five months for the belly to swell to be certain. I would not trust the clearglue tests or whatever that are available commercially. The movements of the fetus should be seen before administering the bitter water, not roots btw but the green parts of the plant and the goat's gall.

Insted, there are other punishments available for pregnant females that Jesus also recommends.

Genesis 38:24
And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.

Also this takes care of the bastard at the same time. I'd consult a Joo lawyer if this is within secular law. If it isn't, you'll just have to marry her to an unsuspecting slightly retarded sturdy youth as soon as possible.



Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

If it isn't, you'll just have to marry her to an unsuspecting slightly retarded sturdy youth as soon as possible.

But just in case, if you have extra bitter waters, we can have some, right? If we need it? Just in case?

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

But just in case, if you have extra bitter waters, we can have some, right? If we need it? Just in case?

We should not violate the ethics of Creation Science which consist of following the Bible.

Look in the janitor's fridge at the LB University Lamentations Flint Memorial Building.

Just in case, here's a picture of modern Ashdod center if you want to pay your daughter and her bastard a visit.



1 Samuel 5:6
But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[AsksDumbQuestions]

Re: Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

pretty much explains what abortion and the cause of it. Maybe this is the reason why some people are turning gay.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Abortion à la Jesus: God's Way to Discard an Adulterous Bastard

pretty much explains what abortion and the cause of it. Maybe this is the reason why some people are turning gay.

Homerism and whoreism are two entirely different sins. Both require serious and final resolution, but different ones.

It is such a joy to have within Landover Baptist Church experts on both issues. Pastor Zeke has cured countless homers.

Women, such as dear Sister Mary, and our Professor will resolve the issue that whores so often bring to families.