Hello, good people of the Church

[Jim Konlo]

Hello, I am Jim Konlo. I live in Greenpol, Nebraska. My favorite bible verse is Leviticus 19:31. I am married to Elizabeth Konlo and have 2 children, both boys. They are named John Konlo and Peter Konlo. But I have a problem, I am getting older by the day, and have been feeling quite ill. I refuse to go to this "hospital" or as I call it Witches Coven to seek help, as I feel it was the very people there are the cause for my illness!
I have used all methods permitted by my church to find signs of any illness, and have found nothing. As I draw shorter breaths every day and am slowly losing my vision, I fear that it is a curse -- placed upon me by the witches at the "hospital".
I am seeking healing from True Christians, and one of my fellow churchgoers recommended this website, so I bought an old computer and a modem and just registered moments ago.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Welcome Brother Jim. You have come to the right place. We are Christians here and will aid you with your troubles.

It is difficult to say at this time whether you are ill or suffering the effects of some kind of curse. If it is a curse, we will help you pray it away and overcome the Devil's work through God's love. If you are ill, we will stand by until you are well. If your illness is terminal, which is likely, we will pray for you and we will attend your funeral. It will help you to remember that life is short, shorter for some than for others, but everlasting glory awaits the saved in Heaven.

Why has your community allowed a hospital which is actually a fromt for Satan's work to take root? In my own community, we would have burned it down by now. God will be angry if you do not take action against the Devil and his schemes.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Hello, Mr. Konlo! You've made the right decision avoiding the hospital. Most of today's "doctors" are nothing more than quack EVILutionists who want nothing more than to force Obamacare on you and turn you away from God (just ask Asa! 2 Chronicles 16:12).

While I do wonder what you have done to make Jesus put these ailments upon you (Exodus 15:26), it's not too late to have Him heal you.

I personally prefer the Whitford family's personal physician, Pastor Benny Hinn. But if you don't have the finances to go to him, you could always try to find a good Bible-believing faith-healing pastor in your area.

James 5:14-15 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.

[Brother Larry]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Hello, I am Jim Konlo. I live in Greenpol, Nebraska. My favorite bible verse is Leviticus 19:31. I am married to Elizabeth Konlo and have 2 children, both boys. They are named John Konlo and Peter Konlo. But I have a problem, I am getting older by the day, and have been feeling quite ill.

Let's think about this in terms of rational men, shall we? Obviously you are putting too much emphasis on your illness instead of handling priorities. Before you do anything, be sure to establish Landover as the beneficiary for any insurance policies that you may own. The sooner you do this, the better you'll sleep. Indeed, you may want to just go ahead to sleep right now since day by day your chances of recovery is up to JESUS.

You're going to feel so much better once you've signed over pretty much everything to the LORD.

Does your wife properly care for you, waiting on you hand and foot every waking hour? Does she prepare nutritious meals for you at your whim? Why only 2 children? Does your spouse provide ample opportunities for "adult congress?" If not you should divorce her at once.

In brotherly love,
Brother Larry

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Hello, I am Jim Konlo. I live in Greenpol, Nebraska. My favorite bible verse is Leviticus 19:31. I am married to Elizabeth Konlo and have 2 children, both boys. They are named John Konlo and Peter Konlo. But I have a problem, I am getting older by the day, and have been feeling quite ill. I refuse to go to this "hospital" or as I call it Witches Coven to seek help, as I feel it was the very people there are the cause for my illness!
I have used all methods permitted by my church to find signs of any illness, and have found nothing. As I draw shorter breaths every day and am slowly losing my vision, I fear that it is a curse -- placed upon me by the witches at the "hospital".
I am seeking healing from True Christians, and one of my fellow churchgoers recommended this website, so I bought an old computer and a modem and just registered moments ago.

Praise Jesus, it sounds like Jesus called you here just in time. Here's what you do: Contact the team of Tithing Advisors here at Landover Baptist Church, and give until it causes you actual physical pain. Jesus just told me that if you do this before midnight tonight, He will send the Holy Spirit to your bedroom tonight and make all your wishes come true (once your bank clears your payments)! Yes, Jesus said that!

Pick up that phone, pledge that Love Offering to God's Favorite Church (LBC!), and then climb into your Prayer Closet and prepare yourself for the best health you can imagine.

[Brother Larry]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Praise Jesus, it sounds like Jesus called you here just in time. Here's what you do: Contact the team of Tithing Advisors here at Landover Baptist Church, and give until it causes you actual physical pain. Jesus just told me that if you do this before midnight tonight, He will send the Holy Spirit to your bedroom tonight and make all your wishes come true (once your bank clears your payments)! Yes, Jesus said that!

Pick up that phone, pledge that Love Offering to God's Favorite Church (LBC!), and then climb into your Prayer Closet and prepare yourself for the best health you can imagine.

Pastor Ezekiel,

Your concern for the infirm just touches my heart. I felt somehow that this poor soul was supposed to give until it hurts, and then I look to see that Jesus confirmed it by telling you personally (naturally, He would use His vessel and His representative on this earth - you). I hope the man takes this message from GOD to heart and reaps the blessings thereto appertaining.

While he's at it, perhaps one of the tithing advisors could look into whether or not he has any stocks, bonds, annuities, or other potential blessings that he can sign over to JESUS (in the name of Landover). Every cent is a possible copper step toward the golden streets of Glory.

In brotherly love,
Brother Larry

[Jim Konlo]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Thank you for the advice Pastor, Let me begin collecting my life's savings.
As to why I only have 2 children, I legally have fifteen. I signed them over to a local orphanage because they wouldn't accept Jesus. It is only the most recent two that did what I said and have repented -- though not as much as I would like. I stress that to them. My wife is also faithful, but sometimes I forget to ask her for things and do them myself. Really, that behavior only started after I got so sick. I will be praying that my donations get to the church fast enough to be acknowledged by the Almighty.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Brother Konlo,

Take heart in what God has to say:

Exodus 23:25:

And yee shall serue the Lord your God, and he shall blesse thy bread, and thy water: and I will take sicknes away from the midst of thee

All you need is faith and you will be set free from this malodorous affliction.

Also your wife needs to get off her lazy, fat behind and make you more pies.

Whoa, stop the bus right there. You say you have 15 sprogs that are legal. How many bastards do you have then. Does this not give you pause for though? Maybe through your own sin, in having illegal brats, you have brought the wrath of God down on your sinful head.

I will pray that you make your illegal offspring legal

YIC
TT

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

As to why I only have 2 children, I legally have fifteen. I signed them over to a local orphanage because they wouldn't accept Jesus. It is only the most recent two that did what I said and have repented -- though not as much as I would like.

The LIEberals in congress get me so steamed! The Lord has told us EXACTLY what we are to do with rebellious children - Deuteronomy 21:18-21 - but our God-hating government are soooo sure that they know better than Him they have made following His moral and common sense laws illegal!

You've done the right thing, Mr. Konlo. Until we get God-fearing Tea Party patriots running things at all levels of government and taking the reasonable, intelligent step of replacing the constitution and all bad laws with the Bible, all you can do is what you can legally do.

[FreeFromBrains]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

(naturally, He would use His vessel and His representative on this earth - you)

You really are a suck up, aren't you? Does Pastor Ezekiel pay you to kis his arse?

Do you love him?

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Hello, good people of the Church

Please ignore this post.

I miss read Jim Konlo as that renowned youth employment job creator and Christian Joseph Kony and wanted to greet him and share my love of Jesus.

YIC