Tweet
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic cry for attention since men started wearing dresses and demanding tampons,” America’s college campuses have officially moved on from the tired old “trans” phase. The hot new identity is autism - and not the real kind that used to keep kids from talking until Jesus saved them. No, this is the fun, self-diagnosed, “I’m just a little quirky and can’t make eye contact during your sermon” kind.
Professor Reginald T. Fenster, the very man who helped turn autism from “that quiet kid who eats paste” into a sprawling rainbow-colored spectrum of 47,000 official traits, has now thrown in the towel. In a stunning interview in last week's The Chronicle of Secular Darwinism, Fenster admitted:
“So many characteristics are now linked to autism that the diagnosis is no longer useful. At this point, every college sophomore who prefers texting to eye contact, owns more than three weighted blankets, and gets the icks from fluorescent lighting is officially autistic. We’ve basically pathologized being a whiny little weirdo.”
Campus sources confirm the trend exploded the moment the last “they/them” pronoun badge lost its social cachet.
“First it was edgy to be gay,” said Atheist University sophomore Caleb McPherson. “Then lesbian chic. Then you had to chop something off to stay cool. Now? You just say ‘I’m autistic’ and suddenly you get extra time on exams, a service dog that doesn’t have to be a real dog, and the moral high ground to tell your parents they’re ‘ableist’ for asking why you won’t mow the lawn. It’s genius.”
McPherson added that the new game is “autism one-upmanship.”
“Last week Stacy claimed she’s ‘level 2’ because she can’t handle small talk at the dining hall. So I went full ‘level 3’ and started rocking in the library while humming the VeggieTales theme. Got my own quiet room and everything. Even the gays wish they still had this kind of pull.”
University of Michigan’s Office of Neurodiversity and Microaggressions Against the Holy Spirit has already issued new guidelines: students may now identify as “autistic,” “AuDHD,” “autistic-adjacent,” or the coveted “autistic but only on Wednesdays.” Special “sensory-friendly” safe spaces stocked with fidget spinners and gluten-free communion wafers have replaced the old rainbow-flag lounges.
A leaked internal memo from the college’s Diversity, Equity, and Demonic Influence Department reads in part: “We must center the voices of those who stim. Also, anyone who still believes in binary gender is literally causing meltdowns in the autistic community. Pray for them? No. Accommodate them. With taxpayer money.”
Local pastor and father of four, Reverend Jedidiah Parklands of the First Baptist Church of Holy Brimstone, summed up the Christian response:
“Used to be these kids just wanted to sodomize each other in the dorms. Now they want to pretend they’re retarded so they don’t have to read Scripture or hold down a job. It’s the ultimate slap in the face to the God who fearfully and wonderfully made them - and who definitely did not make them ‘neurodivergent.’
“If you can’t look your mother in the eye or sit still during a two-hour revival, maybe the problem isn’t a ‘spectrum.’ Maybe it’s sin. But sure, go ahead and get your little blue puzzle-piece sticker. Satan loves a good trend.”
Fenster, the professor who started it all, concluded his interview with a warning that has sent shockwaves through every gender-studies department in the country:
“At this rate, by 2030 the only people not diagnosed with autism will be the ones too autistic to fill out the paperwork. And then what? We’ll have to invent a whole new disorder just so the cool kids have something fresh to be oppressed by.”
Honestly? Does anyone not miss the days when ‘special’ just meant you rode the short bus and everybody knew it. At least back then nobody called it ‘pride.'
Professor Reginald T. Fenster, the very man who helped turn autism from “that quiet kid who eats paste” into a sprawling rainbow-colored spectrum of 47,000 official traits, has now thrown in the towel. In a stunning interview in last week's The Chronicle of Secular Darwinism, Fenster admitted:
“So many characteristics are now linked to autism that the diagnosis is no longer useful. At this point, every college sophomore who prefers texting to eye contact, owns more than three weighted blankets, and gets the icks from fluorescent lighting is officially autistic. We’ve basically pathologized being a whiny little weirdo.”
Campus sources confirm the trend exploded the moment the last “they/them” pronoun badge lost its social cachet.
“First it was edgy to be gay,” said Atheist University sophomore Caleb McPherson. “Then lesbian chic. Then you had to chop something off to stay cool. Now? You just say ‘I’m autistic’ and suddenly you get extra time on exams, a service dog that doesn’t have to be a real dog, and the moral high ground to tell your parents they’re ‘ableist’ for asking why you won’t mow the lawn. It’s genius.”
McPherson added that the new game is “autism one-upmanship.”
“Last week Stacy claimed she’s ‘level 2’ because she can’t handle small talk at the dining hall. So I went full ‘level 3’ and started rocking in the library while humming the VeggieTales theme. Got my own quiet room and everything. Even the gays wish they still had this kind of pull.”
University of Michigan’s Office of Neurodiversity and Microaggressions Against the Holy Spirit has already issued new guidelines: students may now identify as “autistic,” “AuDHD,” “autistic-adjacent,” or the coveted “autistic but only on Wednesdays.” Special “sensory-friendly” safe spaces stocked with fidget spinners and gluten-free communion wafers have replaced the old rainbow-flag lounges.
A leaked internal memo from the college’s Diversity, Equity, and Demonic Influence Department reads in part: “We must center the voices of those who stim. Also, anyone who still believes in binary gender is literally causing meltdowns in the autistic community. Pray for them? No. Accommodate them. With taxpayer money.”
Local pastor and father of four, Reverend Jedidiah Parklands of the First Baptist Church of Holy Brimstone, summed up the Christian response:
“Used to be these kids just wanted to sodomize each other in the dorms. Now they want to pretend they’re retarded so they don’t have to read Scripture or hold down a job. It’s the ultimate slap in the face to the God who fearfully and wonderfully made them - and who definitely did not make them ‘neurodivergent.’
“If you can’t look your mother in the eye or sit still during a two-hour revival, maybe the problem isn’t a ‘spectrum.’ Maybe it’s sin. But sure, go ahead and get your little blue puzzle-piece sticker. Satan loves a good trend.”
Fenster, the professor who started it all, concluded his interview with a warning that has sent shockwaves through every gender-studies department in the country:
“At this rate, by 2030 the only people not diagnosed with autism will be the ones too autistic to fill out the paperwork. And then what? We’ll have to invent a whole new disorder just so the cool kids have something fresh to be oppressed by.”
Honestly? Does anyone not miss the days when ‘special’ just meant you rode the short bus and everybody knew it. At least back then nobody called it ‘pride.'
Comment