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*THIS LETTER WAS SENT TO ALL HOUSEHOLDS WITH CHILDREN ENROLLED IN LANDOVER BAPTIST MIDDLE SCHOOL AND LANDOVER BAPTIST SCHOOL FOR THE VOUCHERED AND SAVED HIGH SCHOOL.
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Dear True Christian Parent,
You are receiving this letter to notify you of changes in Landover's School Discipline Policy. When Landover opted to allow Fox News to be added to the programming in Tin Level tither's homes, an unscrupulous cable repairman added MTV as well. This has since been rectified, but we're afraid the damage has been done.
Due to some recent misbehavior from the rising instances of white children imitating urban Negroes, the Board of Youth Directors and Landover Baptist Security Officers have designed a new form of discipline that has proven to be quite effective. The recently constructed bulidings on all school grounds are the main addition to this policy, and will ensure that your child receives a complete education, and that their soul will go to Heaven. These buildings contain what we refer to as "Quiet Rooms." Each Quiet Room is where all detentions will be served, and they are designed to give disobedient children a taste of Hell, which is obviously where they will go if they don't straighten up and glorify Jesus with their actions!
A rebellious child who is placed in a padded Quiet Room will experience red strobe lights and 110 degree heat (We originally proposed 140 degrees, but Church Dr. Jonathan Edwards said such a temperature could result in potential lawsuits). Ceiling mounted speakers will blare Scripture verses, with intervals of recorded sounds from the spring rabbit slaughter (to give the illusion of tortured souls crying to God from Hell).
Time spent in the Quiet Rooms will depend upon the infraction that earned detention. Any student caught sneaking in water bottles or other contraband, or removing articles of clothing will receive an extra hour for each item or piece of clothes removed. There will be an assembly at 9:00 AM on Monday, April 26, where students will watch Landover Baptist School for the Vouchered and Saved alumni Truman Vidal endure 2 hours in a Quiet Room on bigscreen closed circuit television. Truman volunteered to apologize for the havoc he caused his senior yesr with his paper "The Passion That Knew No Bounds" which was ruled to be based on the Song of Solomon.
Signed,
Reverend Bill Porter - Director of Christian Education
Pastor Geoffrey Weaver - Senior High Youth Director
Pastor Marty Richards - Junior High Youth Director
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Dear True Christian Parent,
You are receiving this letter to notify you of changes in Landover's School Discipline Policy. When Landover opted to allow Fox News to be added to the programming in Tin Level tither's homes, an unscrupulous cable repairman added MTV as well. This has since been rectified, but we're afraid the damage has been done.
Due to some recent misbehavior from the rising instances of white children imitating urban Negroes, the Board of Youth Directors and Landover Baptist Security Officers have designed a new form of discipline that has proven to be quite effective. The recently constructed bulidings on all school grounds are the main addition to this policy, and will ensure that your child receives a complete education, and that their soul will go to Heaven. These buildings contain what we refer to as "Quiet Rooms." Each Quiet Room is where all detentions will be served, and they are designed to give disobedient children a taste of Hell, which is obviously where they will go if they don't straighten up and glorify Jesus with their actions!
A rebellious child who is placed in a padded Quiet Room will experience red strobe lights and 110 degree heat (We originally proposed 140 degrees, but Church Dr. Jonathan Edwards said such a temperature could result in potential lawsuits). Ceiling mounted speakers will blare Scripture verses, with intervals of recorded sounds from the spring rabbit slaughter (to give the illusion of tortured souls crying to God from Hell).
Time spent in the Quiet Rooms will depend upon the infraction that earned detention. Any student caught sneaking in water bottles or other contraband, or removing articles of clothing will receive an extra hour for each item or piece of clothes removed. There will be an assembly at 9:00 AM on Monday, April 26, where students will watch Landover Baptist School for the Vouchered and Saved alumni Truman Vidal endure 2 hours in a Quiet Room on bigscreen closed circuit television. Truman volunteered to apologize for the havoc he caused his senior yesr with his paper "The Passion That Knew No Bounds" which was ruled to be based on the Song of Solomon.
Signed,
Reverend Bill Porter - Director of Christian Education
Pastor Geoffrey Weaver - Senior High Youth Director
Pastor Marty Richards - Junior High Youth Director