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Greetings fellow True Christians! I just got back from a high-level Republican family-values conference held in Manila. Many well-known politicians were in attendance, as well as America's leading CEOs, the job-creators who pay the bills (including the "speaking fees" for said politicians).
Aside from having a little bit of fun and relaxation, we nevertheless were there for the serious business of choosing the USA's next awesome president.
Family-values conference in Manila
Of course, we will still go through with the sham primaries and party conventions so that the American public thinks they have some say in who gets to be president. In fact the real action takes place at our little closed-door meetings. As they say, "the business of America is business," so obviously we can't trust the serious matter of choosing a president to a bunch of yokels in flyover country. Of course, most of them are so wiped out on beer, Prozac and GMO-pretzels that they don't even bother to vote, but nevertheless there are just enough non-comatose college punks around that we could wind up with a communist like Bernie Sanders in the Oval Office if we're not careful.
Anyway, we did a thorough review of the candidates, and I thought I'd share a few highlights of the conference.
First off, we viewed the slim pickings on the Demoncrat side of the aisle. Yes, I know that Republicans are God's Chosen Party, but we occasionally need to have a Demoncrat-bot in office in order to use as red meat to keep the pot stirring, otherwise people might lose interest in our stage-managed elections.
Thus, we have Hillary Clinton. Here she is, marching with her wetback supporters in a show of "solidarity."
Hillary with her La Raza fan base
Actually, if you look close, you see it's just a cardboard cutout. The real Hillary never makes appearances with any group that can't pay her minimum $250,000 speaking fee. Obviously, the beaners can't come up with that kind of money.
Overall, our impression is surprisingly positive. Ever since we hired Chelsea at my company's hedge fund and married her off to a gigolo we imported on an H1 work visa, Hillary's been pretty compliant with our wishes. However, we've had the Obamabot for 8 years already, so I think we need to switch parties this time around. So while Hillary is a safe fallback for Wall Street, let's review our other options.
Right-to-left: Rubio, the Donald, Cruz
Well, Rubio didn't make the grade - I guess the name sounded kind of gay. We like The Donald more and more, especially since he's showing signs of Alzheimer's, which should make him easier to handle. Cruz has the right Christian credentials, but we're not quite sure we can control him, plus his weird Eskimo-beaner background has the public confused.
Eskimo-beaner Ted Cruz
At this point, the jury's still out. We still have enough time to see how The Donald's Alzheimer's develops. In the meantime, our Diebold voting machines delivered The Donald the "victory" we needed, but if he gets troublesome, we can always arrange a coup at the Republican convention.
Speaking of Alzheimer's, we might want to take a moment to honor America's most awesome president ever, Ronald Reagan. In many ways, he was the ideal candidate. First of all, he was a war hero:
War hero Ronald Reagan
Plus he put the Injuns in their place, paving the way for Injun casinos run by my company.
Injun-fighter, Ronald Reagan
Then after he got out of the military, he became a lawman.
RR fighting the bad guys
Unfortunately, the was that little bestiality scandal with the chimp, but our PR people were able to handle it, making the public think it was some kind of cutesy "love the animals" stunt. Hah, if they only knew!
Ronnie, in bed with "presidential advisers"
Fortunately, once the Alzheimer's kicked in, Ronnie rarely opened his mouth or knew what was going on, which made it easier for my company to run the country, with a little help from Nancy's astrologer.
RR in his Golden Years
I don't know if we'll ever be blessed again with such a wonderful president, but we can always hope. I have a feeling that The Donald won't disappoint us!
Now we have to consider just who we would like as the vice-presidential candidate. At the moment, we're favoring this young lady, as I think she's immensely popular with the public. Indeed, America loves her whole family, even more than Sarah Palin's.
Aside from having a little bit of fun and relaxation, we nevertheless were there for the serious business of choosing the USA's next awesome president.
Family-values conference in Manila
Of course, we will still go through with the sham primaries and party conventions so that the American public thinks they have some say in who gets to be president. In fact the real action takes place at our little closed-door meetings. As they say, "the business of America is business," so obviously we can't trust the serious matter of choosing a president to a bunch of yokels in flyover country. Of course, most of them are so wiped out on beer, Prozac and GMO-pretzels that they don't even bother to vote, but nevertheless there are just enough non-comatose college punks around that we could wind up with a communist like Bernie Sanders in the Oval Office if we're not careful.
Anyway, we did a thorough review of the candidates, and I thought I'd share a few highlights of the conference.
First off, we viewed the slim pickings on the Demoncrat side of the aisle. Yes, I know that Republicans are God's Chosen Party, but we occasionally need to have a Demoncrat-bot in office in order to use as red meat to keep the pot stirring, otherwise people might lose interest in our stage-managed elections.
Thus, we have Hillary Clinton. Here she is, marching with her wetback supporters in a show of "solidarity."
Hillary with her La Raza fan base
Actually, if you look close, you see it's just a cardboard cutout. The real Hillary never makes appearances with any group that can't pay her minimum $250,000 speaking fee. Obviously, the beaners can't come up with that kind of money.
Overall, our impression is surprisingly positive. Ever since we hired Chelsea at my company's hedge fund and married her off to a gigolo we imported on an H1 work visa, Hillary's been pretty compliant with our wishes. However, we've had the Obamabot for 8 years already, so I think we need to switch parties this time around. So while Hillary is a safe fallback for Wall Street, let's review our other options.
Right-to-left: Rubio, the Donald, Cruz
Well, Rubio didn't make the grade - I guess the name sounded kind of gay. We like The Donald more and more, especially since he's showing signs of Alzheimer's, which should make him easier to handle. Cruz has the right Christian credentials, but we're not quite sure we can control him, plus his weird Eskimo-beaner background has the public confused.
Eskimo-beaner Ted Cruz
At this point, the jury's still out. We still have enough time to see how The Donald's Alzheimer's develops. In the meantime, our Diebold voting machines delivered The Donald the "victory" we needed, but if he gets troublesome, we can always arrange a coup at the Republican convention.
Speaking of Alzheimer's, we might want to take a moment to honor America's most awesome president ever, Ronald Reagan. In many ways, he was the ideal candidate. First of all, he was a war hero:
War hero Ronald Reagan
Plus he put the Injuns in their place, paving the way for Injun casinos run by my company.
Injun-fighter, Ronald Reagan
Then after he got out of the military, he became a lawman.
RR fighting the bad guys
Unfortunately, the was that little bestiality scandal with the chimp, but our PR people were able to handle it, making the public think it was some kind of cutesy "love the animals" stunt. Hah, if they only knew!
Ronnie, in bed with "presidential advisers"
Fortunately, once the Alzheimer's kicked in, Ronnie rarely opened his mouth or knew what was going on, which made it easier for my company to run the country, with a little help from Nancy's astrologer.
RR in his Golden Years
I don't know if we'll ever be blessed again with such a wonderful president, but we can always hope. I have a feeling that The Donald won't disappoint us!
Now we have to consider just who we would like as the vice-presidential candidate. At the moment, we're favoring this young lady, as I think she's immensely popular with the public. Indeed, America loves her whole family, even more than Sarah Palin's.