Tweet
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I apologize for being gone all week, but I've been so busy attending meetings with the management at Fox News and Clear Channel. We've been working on one of our biggest projects ever, one which I believe is going to shake the world.
In cooperation with the Ronald Reagan Institute of Conservative Studies and funded by a grant from Uranus, I'm pleased to announce the opening of Glenn Beck University.
"Brawndo - it's got what plants crave"
- Dr Glenn Beck
The courses are taught online, and are open to all true Americans with a credit card. The curriculum was written by none other than Dr Glenn Beck. Even though he never completed a semester of college, he nevertheless received an honorary Ph.D. from Liberty University just last month. Which just goes to show that you don't need to attend real school to get a diploma and make millions.
I personally believe that this GBU serves a vital need in the conservative community, especially for home-schooled children. Traditional liberal elite universities discriminate against Christian kids who have been taught by their blue collar parents, refusing to admit them just because they can't read or do math. Glenn Beck University will level the playing field, granting degrees in Conservative Studies to all paying students who can pass an oral exam and/or show that they have a pulse.
I've personally worked on the first lesson in the curriculum, which explains the global warming hoax. Actually, many of you will be surprised when you see this lesson - I'll bet you didn't realize that global warming IS REAL. Yes, that's true. However, it's not caused by carbon dioxide. We now know that it's mainly caused by methane gas, which even environwackos admit is 25 more powerful than CO2 as a greenhouse gas. And since the main source of methane is cow farts, my company (the Uranus Corporation) has recently devised technology to solve this problem:
Capturing methane gas in balloons using advanced technology from Uranus
Water vapor also contributes to global warming. That's why my company is working hard to cause desertification by cutting down forests and draining water tables. We all know that deserts are good - just look at how many people want to move to Phoenix and Las Vegas to enjoy the sunshine. But rather than making these people move to arid regions, we intend to bring the desert (and thus year-round golfing weather) to them.
Great weather for golfing
The above facts are just a small sample of the marvelous things you can learn at Glenn Beck University. Graduates will be able to impress their conservative friends, and argue with liberal dopes who believe in evolution and homoism. Furthermore, a diploma from a prestigious institution like GBU increases your chances of employment - we'll be needing lots more American tomato pickers after US wages drop so low that even Mexicans won't want to come here to work.
But you've got to act soon. There are just a limited number of students that Dr Beck can teach, so get out your credit card and dial the toll-free number on the university web site today. You'll be glad you did!
I apologize for being gone all week, but I've been so busy attending meetings with the management at Fox News and Clear Channel. We've been working on one of our biggest projects ever, one which I believe is going to shake the world.
In cooperation with the Ronald Reagan Institute of Conservative Studies and funded by a grant from Uranus, I'm pleased to announce the opening of Glenn Beck University.
"Brawndo - it's got what plants crave"
- Dr Glenn Beck
The courses are taught online, and are open to all true Americans with a credit card. The curriculum was written by none other than Dr Glenn Beck. Even though he never completed a semester of college, he nevertheless received an honorary Ph.D. from Liberty University just last month. Which just goes to show that you don't need to attend real school to get a diploma and make millions.
I personally believe that this GBU serves a vital need in the conservative community, especially for home-schooled children. Traditional liberal elite universities discriminate against Christian kids who have been taught by their blue collar parents, refusing to admit them just because they can't read or do math. Glenn Beck University will level the playing field, granting degrees in Conservative Studies to all paying students who can pass an oral exam and/or show that they have a pulse.
I've personally worked on the first lesson in the curriculum, which explains the global warming hoax. Actually, many of you will be surprised when you see this lesson - I'll bet you didn't realize that global warming IS REAL. Yes, that's true. However, it's not caused by carbon dioxide. We now know that it's mainly caused by methane gas, which even environwackos admit is 25 more powerful than CO2 as a greenhouse gas. And since the main source of methane is cow farts, my company (the Uranus Corporation) has recently devised technology to solve this problem:
Capturing methane gas in balloons using advanced technology from Uranus
Water vapor also contributes to global warming. That's why my company is working hard to cause desertification by cutting down forests and draining water tables. We all know that deserts are good - just look at how many people want to move to Phoenix and Las Vegas to enjoy the sunshine. But rather than making these people move to arid regions, we intend to bring the desert (and thus year-round golfing weather) to them.
Great weather for golfing
The above facts are just a small sample of the marvelous things you can learn at Glenn Beck University. Graduates will be able to impress their conservative friends, and argue with liberal dopes who believe in evolution and homoism. Furthermore, a diploma from a prestigious institution like GBU increases your chances of employment - we'll be needing lots more American tomato pickers after US wages drop so low that even Mexicans won't want to come here to work.
But you've got to act soon. There are just a limited number of students that Dr Beck can teach, so get out your credit card and dial the toll-free number on the university web site today. You'll be glad you did!
Comment