Is God at it again?

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

So it turns out that my girlfriend is pregnant. It can't be mine because I always wrap my wopper haven't married her yet and that would just be immoral.

She swears that no man has touched her. What do you think, is it an immaculate conception? I don't know how else this would happen.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is God at it again?

Your story puts me of a mind to something that happened to my father, Pastor Lamentaions Flint, before I was born.

An unmarried teenager who found herself in the family way had told her parents that she had never known a boy sexually. Instead, she blamed the pregnancy on a ghost. She was immediately slapped senseless by her annoyed parents and sent to Pastor, who threw her out of the church. "The whole idea of a spirit diddling with a young girl is such a preposterous, lewd proposition," said Pastor Lamentaions. "Frankly, I don't know where this little scallywag got the idea for such an outrageous, bald-faced lie."

I'd say she must have been raped. Are there any negroes in your area?

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: Is God at it again?

I'd say she must have been raped. Are there any negroes in your area?

No, I live in the Godly part of town (I had to move to the other side of the state after giving up satanism).

I mean she is pretty but it would be quite a drive for them to come and rape her.....not sure that it'd be worth it with gas prices being what they are. I guess I shouldn't discount the possibility though.

[Billybob Sunday]

Re: Is God at it again?

Does she ever use public toilets?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is God at it again?

No, I live in the Godly part of town (I had to move to the other side of the state after giving up satanism).

I mean she is pretty but it would be quite a drive for them to come and rape her.....not sure that it'd be worth it with gas prices being what they are. I guess I shouldn't discount the possibility though.

Now we're getting somewhere. Did the rape happen in the city or the countryside?

City Rape

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. -- Deuteronomy 22:23-24


Country Rape

But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die. ... For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her. -- Deuteronomy 22:25-27

You're sure you guys are engaged?

[Talitha]

Re: Is God at it again?

So it turns out that my girlfriend is pregnant. It can't be mine because I always wrap my wopper haven't married her yet and that would just be immoral.

She swears that no man has touched her. What do you think, is it an immaculate conception? I don't know how else this would happen.

If the baby was a Pickaninny then she MUST have been reaped and then drugged to make her forget this horrible event.
They do things like that I hear.

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: Is God at it again?

Does she ever use public toilets?

I consider myself a fairly allowing person, but I do have some standards. I would never let her use a public restroom no matter how loudly nature was calling.

Now we're getting somewhere. Did the rape happen in the city or the countryside?
City Rape

Country Rape

Well, while the population is somewhat sizable, there is quite a lot of farm land so I would have to go with Country Rape......

You're sure you guys are engaged?

.....but we're not engaged so I don't know if either of these apply

If the baby was a Pickaninny

I'm not entirely familiar with this terminology.

[Talitha]

Re: Is God at it again?

I'm not entirely familiar with this terminology.

Colored.

[Enigmatic Harpo Marx]

Re: Is God at it again?

Colored.

Ack! What if she does give birth to one of those!?! Should I just play it safe and stone her anyway?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is God at it again?

.....but we're not engaged so I don't know if either of these apply

Oh, well then that changes everything. She's just some slut who got herself raped. She's her father's problem now.

Exodus 22:16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.
22:17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.

Her father needs to track down the guy who knocked her up got her in the family way, and try and make some financial arrangements.

You're off the hook. A nice Love Offering to show Jesus your appreciation would be in order right about now.