Them apples

[noob vip]

Can somebody here at this lovely church tell me how I need to get rid of my sins? Is it true that eating apples will make me go to hell? I heard this, and I wondered if it is true.

A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.
He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river."
He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.

If I remove the dust from the apples, can I go to heaven instead of going to hell where I belong? I need to know because my sins are awful.

[Des]

Re: Them apples

Can somebody here at this lovely church tell me how I need to get rid of my sins? Is it true that eating apples will make me go to hell? I heard this, and I wondered if it is true.

A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.
He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river."
He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.

If I remove the dust from the apples, can I go to heaven instead of going to hell where I belong? I need to know because my sins are awful.

Greetings, sinner.


I'm confused. Are the apples and the river a metaphor for something? If you are being literal I can't help you. You see, I don't eat fruits or vegetables. Or fish for that matter, fish being practically a vegetable.


So, are the apples testicles? And the river? Some sort of something you might dip the dirty apples in to get them clean? As in like a baptism for the testes? We baptize the entire body, you know. Not just the dangly bits.


Yes, you should definitely start with a baptism. Give yourself over to Jesus, confess your sins to Him, show Him that you really are committed by giving the church a generous down payment tithe, and ask one of the ladies at the accounting office to get started on your pre-baptismal screening paperwork. Just bring 2 forms of identification, and have your bank account and social security numbers hands.


Glory!

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Them apples

I don't really understand the problem here. Unless the apples are on a tree and God has specifically forbidden you to eat them, you should be fine. If snakes are involved, though, it is wise to beware. Apples poisoned by evil witches are the stuff of fairy tales.

Personally, I wouldn't eat apples that have been washed in a river, except in Freehold. Elsewhere, you don't know who has been in the water and what they may have done there.

I hope that helps, dear? I would pray for you but your choice of username is peculiar and I don't know how to pronounce it.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Them apples

He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it.

Was this a moat or something?

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Them apples

Was this a moat or something?

Perhaps he should build a boat, like Noah. I don't understand the problem.

[Isabella White]

Re: Them apples

Can somebody here at this lovely church tell me how I need to get rid of my sins? Is it true that eating apples will make me go to hell? I heard this, and I wondered if it is true.

A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.
He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river."
He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them.

If I remove the dust from the apples, can I go to heaven instead of going to hell where I belong? I need to know because my sins are awful.

I do extend to you a most gracious , dear Miss Noob. We are always so pleased whenever a vile sinner -- such as yourself -- reaches out to , to learn of the one and only way of leaving sin behind, and of walking with the , on a daily basis, for the rest of one's lifetime.

I have no idea where you got the notion that dusting off some apples will be the ticket to gaining you a free home in Heaven; but, the answer to your curious question is: good Heaven, no! Eating dust-free apples will not wash you from your horrid sins. What you need for that is the blessed, shed of the , as shown here, in the wondrous :

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of is eternal life through our ."

Ephesians 1:7 "In whom we have redemption through , the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of grace;"

Please, do feel free to ask more questions of the members of . We are only too happy to be of humble assistance to you, Dear.

[WWJDnow]

Re: Them apples

Thou shalt not steal. -- Exodus 20:15

We take the Ten Commandments very seriously here. The answer is to ask Jesus to help you find a job.

Why does everyone expect a handout from the rich man? Sure, you expect that from lazy minorities (blacks and hispanics, mostly) with their culture of dependency, but not from God-fearing white people. And why do so many people come to us with this ridiculous story?

[Des]

Re: Them apples

Perhaps he should build a boat, like Noah. I don't understand the problem.

Oh! Let's get all our boats out on Friday and have another Trump boat parade!

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Them apples

Hi Welcome to the forum. There were a couple of points in your intro., I'll take them one at a time.

Can somebody here at this lovely church tell me how I need to get rid of my sins?Is it true that eating apples will make me go to hell? I heard this, and I wondered if it is true. A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. If I remove the dust from the apples, can I go to heaven instead of going to hell where I belong? I need to know because my sins are awful.

Your sin is not plural, in the sense that your actions are. It's a bit like the sky and its blueness. How many blues are there? But sometimes sky is plural in a figurative sense, such as The stormy skies of Greenland. That doesn't mean Greenland has 17 skies but that (I'm just making this up - I've never been to Greenland but have flown over it) today I looked out my igloo; the sky looked back, bleak with darkness and hail. Yesterday was worse. The charcoal sky erupted sleet and snow. Tomorrow we're expecting a blizzard; the savage sky spews sparks and icicles it's best to stay iglooed. Will there ever be sunlight again? The skies of Greenland are stormy indeed.

You see? There is only one sky and although you can't see it for the cloud and blizzard and lumps of ice and lightning and snow and sleet and hail, it's still blue. It is not a volcano. It doesn't have eyes and can't look or see things and, without a mouth, can't vomit sparks. All those things happen at different times, sleet, snow, blizzards, lightning, hail, and although there could be many different snowstorms or lightning bolts or lumps of ice detached from glaciers flying around, the sky overarches all.

Sin is like that. Everything you do or think or say exists underneath the overarching crime of sin. They are sinful acts and how you need to get rid of them is not quantifiable, like "you ten need to get rid of those words" or "those sinful thoughts, eight they need to go!" It doesn't make sense. Even "my sinful actions infinity need to cease" doesn't cut it because infinity is not a number.

Can somebody here at this lovely church tell me how I need to get rid of my sins? Is it true that eating apples will make me go to hell? I heard this, and I wondered if it is true.
A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it.
He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. If I remove the dust from the apples, can I go to heaven instead of going to hell where I belong? I need to know because my sins are awful.

This reminds me of stories about blind men and elephants. Have you had any contact with the hindoo? Such circumlocutive narration is prevalent in temples where idols are glorified and the hindoo certainly loves idols! But knows nothing of God.

Can somebody here at this lovely church tell me how I need to get rid of my sins? Is it true that eating apples will make me go to hell? I heard this, and I wondered if it is true. A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. If I remove the dust from the apples,
can I go to heaven instead of going to hell where I belong? I need to know because my sins are awful.

I John 1:10 - 2:2 If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us ... And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: and he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.

God explains about sin here, highlighting the unquantifiable nature of sin. Many sinful acts may be seen as "sins" by an individual but The Perfect Sacrifice is able to atone for every sinful act ever committed. Although these acts may be countable (such as the world's total population ever multiplied by the number of nanoseconds of its existence minus the time from Creation Day Six to when Eve gobbled down the forbidden fruit, whatever it was) it would be impossible for anyone to do so accurately. Each one however was in Christ's consciousness as His blood ran out onto the ground BUT not everyone accepts that atonement.

Everyone is infected, though, from the initial transgression by Eve to the present day, including you. That is why your actions are sinful; there is nothing you can do to rehabilitate yourself. That is why you need to accept Jesus.