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Blessed be the Name of The Lord and His Holy Children the True Christians™ for this Forum!
I have read the Divinely inspired message "The TOP 7 ways to go to HELL and most importantly: how to avoid them!" from Brother Cranky Old Man and came to realize I was going straight to Hell if I didn't repent immediatly and finally recognize that JESUS Is the Son of GOD and He Is the only Gateway to Heaven.
I am a sinner and I fear I will burn in hell for I indulged in masturbation three times (3 times! Can you imagine?) over the course of my whole life! An unforgivable sin... All my tears and all the drops of my blood couldn't possible wash these guilty stains on my soul!
But let me first take the opportunity to present myself:
I am a married man, aged 39 and father of 9 children. Thanks to the Lord, Praised be His Glorious Name™, I have 8 boys and I thus only have one (1!) single six years old daughter, which I intend to sell very soon as a maidservant to a wealthy (and therefore Holy) American Republican businessman (as recommended by the Lord: Exodus 21:7 ).
I am most unfortunate though, for I live in one of God's most despised country: Belgium! I pray every day for this unholy country to be saved by the Lord, but I fear Belgium's divine anihilation (Revelation 18:5) is coming soon. I pray the Lord to save at the very least ten righteous people in this land filled with paedophiles and homosexuals (our prime minister among them), for Belgium to avoid the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah!
I was born as a catholic, went to catholic schools and got raped countless times by catholic priests and bishops as every child in Belgium always is for many centuries (kind of a tradition in Belgium). But I saw the light and finally found this forum and eventually came to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior!
My favorite KJV 1611 Bible quote is Revelation 2:6
I interpret the word Nicolaitanes to mean "liberals, homosexuals and paedophile catholic priests". Am I right?
And now, if you don't mind a little help for a sinner, I have a couple of questions for you, Holy Brothers: I truly wanted to follow your Holy recommendation to cut my hands and poke out my eyes to avoid masturbation and prevent looking at porn on the internet. Cutting my second hand was actualy not very easy because my wife refused to hold the chainsaw (she claimed it was "too noisy" and it "smelled bad")! I obviously had to beat her very hard after I managed to cut my second hand with my own mouth.
Unfortunately beating my wife is now quite difficult for I now have no hands. Do you have any advice on how to proceed? I fear to use my teeth to bite/beat her for the Lord could think I'm indulging in cannibalism, which, if I'm not mistaken, is a sin according to 2 Kings 6:28-29
Another issue I now have is: how do I poke out my eyes as both my hands are gone? My wife refuses to help, once again (I'll beat her very hard again for this). However, I wish I poked them out before I cut my hands... I feel stupid! But you know that: as a belgian, I'm obviously plagued with stupidity...
Also, when I eventually manage to poke my eyes out, how will I keep reading and studying the Holy KJV1611 Bible™? Do you have any recommendation about an audio version from the Holy KJV1611 Bible™? What about the required electricity to power my good old audio tape recorder? Belgium doesn't have a reliable electric network (we get power outages all day long). And don't you think there might be a risk of electricity running completely out of belgarium's network some days before the rapture? How could I then keep reading the Holy Bible? How could I possibly be saved if I don't read the Bible up onto the very last minute before His Return?
Many thanks in advance for your help!
I have read the Divinely inspired message "The TOP 7 ways to go to HELL and most importantly: how to avoid them!" from Brother Cranky Old Man and came to realize I was going straight to Hell if I didn't repent immediatly and finally recognize that JESUS Is the Son of GOD and He Is the only Gateway to Heaven.
I am a sinner and I fear I will burn in hell for I indulged in masturbation three times (3 times! Can you imagine?) over the course of my whole life! An unforgivable sin... All my tears and all the drops of my blood couldn't possible wash these guilty stains on my soul!
But let me first take the opportunity to present myself:
I am a married man, aged 39 and father of 9 children. Thanks to the Lord, Praised be His Glorious Name™, I have 8 boys and I thus only have one (1!) single six years old daughter, which I intend to sell very soon as a maidservant to a wealthy (and therefore Holy) American Republican businessman (as recommended by the Lord: Exodus 21:7 ).
I am most unfortunate though, for I live in one of God's most despised country: Belgium! I pray every day for this unholy country to be saved by the Lord, but I fear Belgium's divine anihilation (Revelation 18:5) is coming soon. I pray the Lord to save at the very least ten righteous people in this land filled with paedophiles and homosexuals (our prime minister among them), for Belgium to avoid the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah!
I was born as a catholic, went to catholic schools and got raped countless times by catholic priests and bishops as every child in Belgium always is for many centuries (kind of a tradition in Belgium). But I saw the light and finally found this forum and eventually came to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior!
My favorite KJV 1611 Bible quote is Revelation 2:6
But this thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I also hate.
And now, if you don't mind a little help for a sinner, I have a couple of questions for you, Holy Brothers: I truly wanted to follow your Holy recommendation to cut my hands and poke out my eyes to avoid masturbation and prevent looking at porn on the internet. Cutting my second hand was actualy not very easy because my wife refused to hold the chainsaw (she claimed it was "too noisy" and it "smelled bad")! I obviously had to beat her very hard after I managed to cut my second hand with my own mouth.
Unfortunately beating my wife is now quite difficult for I now have no hands. Do you have any advice on how to proceed? I fear to use my teeth to bite/beat her for the Lord could think I'm indulging in cannibalism, which, if I'm not mistaken, is a sin according to 2 Kings 6:28-29
Another issue I now have is: how do I poke out my eyes as both my hands are gone? My wife refuses to help, once again (I'll beat her very hard again for this). However, I wish I poked them out before I cut my hands... I feel stupid! But you know that: as a belgian, I'm obviously plagued with stupidity...
Also, when I eventually manage to poke my eyes out, how will I keep reading and studying the Holy KJV1611 Bible™? Do you have any recommendation about an audio version from the Holy KJV1611 Bible™? What about the required electricity to power my good old audio tape recorder? Belgium doesn't have a reliable electric network (we get power outages all day long). And don't you think there might be a risk of electricity running completely out of belgarium's network some days before the rapture? How could I then keep reading the Holy Bible? How could I possibly be saved if I don't read the Bible up onto the very last minute before His Return?
Many thanks in advance for your help!
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