[Brother Temperance]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

I wish to remind the faithful that the Romaine Kathylicks condoned and sanctioned the wholesale killing and slaughter of cats during the outbreak of the Black Death (Bubonic Plague) in Europe during the 14th Century. Cats are a natural predator of the rats (and fleas) that carried the plague. With the cats gone the rat population flourished. The plague killed an estimated 20-25 million people (about 1/2 to 2/3 of the population of Europe). Fortunately (Praise Jesus), many of the dead were Kathylicks. With the power of the Kathylick Church considerably weakened this encouraged Martin Luther in 1517 to nail his Feces to the Castle Church door in Wittenberg, thus starting the Protestant reformation and the undoing of the Kathylick corruption of the gospel. It was only a short time later that King James and his scribes put forth the one true English Holy Bible (KJV1611) that ultimately lead to the founding of the One True LBC.

Writing this history has moved me to take a moment of silence and prayer to the mysteries and divine ways that our Lord works and how the deaths of so many kitties have contributed to his Holy Word and Salvation.

On another environmental issue raised in this thread, it seems to me that kitty ribs would make perfect toothpicks after finishing a fine meal. Their use as toothpicks could also save some trees.

Praise Jesus! We can always use more learned and scholarly Christian historians here at LBC. The only part of your post that bothered me was that bit at the end about saving trees. What would be the use of that? Everyone knows that when the last tree is felled, then Jesus will return.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Thank you for the kind words and instruction Gentle Pastor. Rest assured I no more sympathize with tree huggers than I believe that Al Gore invented the Internet.

Genesis 1:26
Then God said: "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
the birds of the air, and the cattle, and over all the wild animals
and all the creatures that crawl on the ground."

In like manner to trees, we are instructed to use kitties in any manner we see fit, from eating them, using them as toothpicks, or even to making adorable oven mitts out of them.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

On another environmental issue raised in this thread, it seems to me that kitty ribs would make perfect toothpicks after finishing a fine meal. Their use as toothpicks could also save some trees.

Sir; As True Christians™ we are not concerned with "saving some trees". That sort of communism is exactly what is wrong with this world--tree huggers trying to subvert God's divine plan for us all. God gave us His instructions in the Bible.

Genesis 1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

God wants us to use trees as we see fit. God provided trees so that we would have something to wipe our bums with and pick our teeth with, but most importantly, so that we would have paper to print billions of copies of the Holy KJV1611 Bible!

Also, since Jesus is going to return any moment now and sort out who is going to roast in hellfire and who is not, we have no need to concern ourselves with such trivialities as so-called global warming or desertification through clear-cutting entire forests. Jesus will deal with that, just as He promised.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Sorry Pastors, that was supposed to be Martin Luther's "Theses", not "Feces". I can't seem to edit my posts.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

I wish to remind the faithful that the Romaine Kathylicks condoned and sanctioned the wholesale killing and slaughter of cats during the outbreak of the Black Death (Bubonic Plague) in Europe during the 14th Century. Cats are a natural predator of the rats (and fleas) that carried the plague. With the cats gone the rat population flourished. The plague killed an estimated 20-25 million people (about 1/2 to 2/3 of the population of Europe). Fortunately (Praise Jesus), many of the dead were Kathylicks. With the power of the Kathylick Church considerably weakened this encouraged Martin Luther in 1517 to nail his Feces to the Castle Church door in Wittenberg, thus starting the Protestant reformation and the undoing of the Kathylick corruption of the gospel. It was only a short time later that King James and his scribes put forth the one true English Holy Bible (KJV1611) that ultimately lead to the founding of the One True LBC.

Writing this history has moved me to take a moment of silence and prayer to the mysteries and divine ways that our Lord works and how the deaths of so many kitties have contributed to his Holy Word and Salvation.

On another environmental issue raised in this thread, it seems to me that kitty ribs would make perfect toothpicks after finishing a fine meal. Their use as toothpicks could also save some trees.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

I think I found one of your cats today....?

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

The lovely Mrs Glendora has offered to help, and Petal has been most helpful also. I plan on soul-saving these precious kitties, Amen!

CCL, I've no doubt that your kitties will be in Heaven at Jesus' Banquet and wRap(ture) Party.

Truthfully, each and every one of your pussies will be eaten in Heaven, possibly by Jesus Himself! If we can keep Pastor Zeke away from them that long . . .

GLORY!

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Mister OnYourKnees, not I or anyone else will be eating my precious kitties. The lovely Mrs Glendora has offered to help, and Petal has been most helpful also. I plan on soul-saving these precious kitties, Amen!

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

I do hope you don't tell the cat lady that she needs to eat her cats!

Are you suggesting that one of the fine, upstanding True Christians(tm) presiding over this Holiest of Forums would suggest that Crazy Cat Lady eat her own pussy?! 230 times over, yet?

Then she'd be guilty of the sin of gluttony, you ignorant trollop!

There are ways to save cats, of course. Any form of drying -- freeze-drying, or even hanging in the sun to make jerky, these work well. Smoking, like a ham or side of bacon, also good. Those vacuum-seal bags won't keep your kitty fresh, so don't try . . . I made that mistake years ago with one of the young men I was trying to save. Goodness, that was difficult to explain to the police when they found him in the trunk of my Bentley! But I digress.

Of course, if you want to be able to continue to play with your pussy, then a visit to the taxidermist might be a good choice.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

I meant the MAKEUP of its body. The way EVOLUTION has designed it. I used that for lack of a better word. I do not believe in the intelligent design theory, sorry.

Are you suggesting that Crazy Cat Lady tart up her kitties with makeup in order to get them into Heaven?

That may work for you when trying to get into your little "nightclubs", to impress the horned-up, steriod-ridden bouncers who want to get to know YOUR "kitty", but it won't be any help for Crazy Cat Lady!

MAKEUP, indeed!!

[Old Heller]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Only if you promised not to EAT them, Mister Heller!

I will eat no cat before its time.

[Old Heller]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Hey, everybody! Congregation! Don't Talk to this Brother "Heller!"



As you can plainly see, he is Hunter S. Thompson Died and gone to HELL - er, - and that's why he's wearing that cap now: So Hell's heat doesn't too badly sunburn his bald head!!!

Shun him! Shun him, I say!

What's the matter, Sis? Diddent you like that cat skin coat I sent you?
By the way, Ol' Hunter is one a my grandsons.

[SUV]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Hey, everybody! Congregation! Don't Talk to this Brother "Heller!"



As you can plainly see, he is Hunter S. Thompson Died and gone to HELL - er, - and that's why he's wearing that cap now: So Hell's heat doesn't too badly sunburn his bald head!!!

Shun him! Shun him, I say!

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

Only if you promised not to EAT them, Mister Heller!

[Old Heller]

Re: Hello and help me save the kitties!!

You've been locked up in the funny farm is where you've been old man. The check you sent us as a love offering for Jesus bounced and Pastor Pistle made a few calls....

Hay! I made that check out to Tabitha! I had a feelin' y'all had some kinda scam goin on jus to cheat us pore older men. Maybe the Cat Lady would wanta see me an bring some kittys.