Midwifery Class FAIL

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

I scored 40% on my midwife test at the Community Center. The questions I keep having trouble with are:

1. When is it possible to know a woman is with child? I responded it was when her monthly visitor stops and she begins to feel badly in the morning. Our instructor insists that a True Christian(TM) can tell much sooner.

2. If the baby's feet are poking out, how many prayers will it take to convince the Holy Spirit to turn the babe around? I said 7. Again, wrong.

3. When should you cut the umbilical cord? I said "never - it will eventually go away." The instructor slapped my hand.

I am not a stupid woman. I know Prada from Versace at 100 feet. Why are these things that are so vital to know simply too much for me? The score of 40 means I failed, of course, and the rules state that you cannot retest without going through the class again. I am sad. Only God can get me through this.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Midwifery Class FAIL

I scored 40% on my midwife test at the Community Center. The questions I keep having trouble with are:

1. When is it possible to know a woman is with child? I responded it was when her monthly visitor stops and she begins to feel badly in the morning. Our instructor insists that a True Christian™ can tell much sooner.

2. If the baby's feet are poking out, how many prayers will it take to convince the Holy Spirit to turn the babe around? I said 7. Again, wrong.

3. When should you cut the umbilical cord? I said "never - it will eventually go away." The instructor slapped my hand.

I am not a stupid woman. I know Prada from Versace at 100 feet. Why are these things that are so vital to know simply too much for me? The score of 40 means I failed, of course, and the rules state that you cannot retest without going through the class again. I am sad. Only God can get me through this.

Dear Sister,

I am sorry to trespass on this women's area and the issues discussed here are certainly revolting for a man, but if I may, I might be able to offer some advice.

The answer is, inevitably, in SCRIPTURE.

1. When can you know you are with child?
IMMEDIATELY upon begetting. The answer is in Jeremiah 1:5.
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

This means that God forms the child at conception and a Godly woman knows the Will of God. Thus, from the beginning.

2. How many prayers?
One, if it is mighty as a True Christian prayer always is. The answer is in 2 Kings 4:34
And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and he stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm.

Elisha only has to act once and the child is alive and healed. The flawed position in the womb requires healing. Thus, one prayer is adequate.

3. When to cut the umbilical cord? On the first day. The answer is in Ezekiel 16:4
And as for thy nativity, in the day thou wast born thy navel was not cut, neither wast thou washed in water to supple thee; thou wast not salted at all, nor swaddled at all.

"In the day thou wast born!"

Is it not wonderful that God tells us all we need to know?! Thank you, Sister, you are an intelligent and pious woman as you know WHERE TO ASK!

Praise Jesus, Bless you, Sister!

Ruth 1:11
And Naomi said, Turn again, my daughters: why will ye go with me? are there yet any more sons in my womb, that they may be your husbands?

Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Attila's Wife]

Re: Midwifery Class FAIL

1. When can you know you are with child?
IMMEDIATELY upon begetting. The answer is in Jeremiah 1:5.
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

This means that God forms the child at conception and a Godly woman knows the Will of God. Thus, from the beginning.

Brother Elmer, I suspect that the first question was asked from the point of view of knowing when another woman is with child (because let's face it, being with child herself is not something Miss Lamb is ever likely to have to concern herself with).

I suppose one possible answer might be when the woman's husband tells your husband? But again, that isn't going to work for Miss Lamb.

I didn't know single women were even permitted to take the midwifery course in Freehold.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Midwifery Class FAIL

Brother Elmer, I suspect that the first question was asked from the point of view of knowing when another woman is with child (because let's face it, being with child herself is not something Miss Lamb is ever likely to have to concern herself with).

I suppose one possible answer might be when the woman's husband tells your husband? But again, that isn't going to work for Miss Lamb.

I didn't know single women were even permitted to take the midwifery course in Freehold.

Since you choose to remain in Godless England, even though it is rumored your husband is secretly alive elsewhere, you would not have access to the class description, easily found in the community center lobby. The course is open to True Christian(TM) women from age 18-80 provided they have good eyesight, a clean body, are free from contagious disease, and live within the Freehold gates.

Mrs. Attila, why you choose to say things that are hurtful to me, I simply cannot understand. Perhaps you should discuss it with a Catholic priest since you have obviously not spoken to Jesus directly about forgiveness and moving on.

I had the demons removed from me and went through a period of unspeakable horror in order to prove myself worthy of fellowship here. Dr. Niles and other professionals have certified my freedom from demons.

As for marriage and a family, I have had 10 responses to my Christian Mingle ad and the pastors have not approved a single one of them - so what am I to do? Go against Pastor Zeke? That is akin to a pussy fighting a mountain lion.

Perhaps at your advanced age, we are beginning to see the first signs of dementia. You will be in my prayers, as always. You know just how much I care about your opinion, dear.

In True American Christian(TM) love,
NRL

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: Midwifery Class FAIL

The reason that is says "18-80" is that it assumes that any woman of that age would have been with child. It assumes that Freehold women are not barren.
The course also assumes that students will know the Bible. The fact that you don't, explains why you failed. Maybe you should direct your efforts to this rather than to identifying Prada (that which the devil wears).
It's my understanding that these are the two reasons you failed. And congratulations - you are the first person to ever fail this exam.
And the fact that you cannot find a husband says a lot about you. Don't blame the pastors.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: Midwifery Class FAIL

Since you choose to remain in Godless England, even though it is rumored your husband is secretly alive elsewhere

That's a cheap and nasty shot at Mrs Hun. You know he is dead, as they exhumed his body a little while back. He certainly looks dead to me.



Sorry to have to post that picture Mrs Hun, I know it's not the most flattering picture of him

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Midwifery Class FAIL

I publicly confess my sins and ask for forgiveness from Sister Mrs. Attila. I have already confessed to Jesus and have received His complete cleansing, GLORY TO HIS NAME.

Sister Bertha has assured me that I am indeed welcome to take the midwife class again and this time, in Jesus Name, I will pass. Bring on the babies, girls.

NRL