[Free Market Fred]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

That does look like a nice gun to have with me in my Hummer. I'll take two. I don't really fish, since fishing is for fags, but killing a whale sounds very interesting. Sharks could be fun too now that I think of it. I wonder if they have trips for that.

Normal fishing is kind of a homo thing, but it's a lot more manly (and profitable) if you do it with poisons like cyanide, electric shock or dynamite.

But it's different with whales. Hey, I enjoy going on whale-hunting expeditions myself. That's not to be confused with "whale-watching," which is a faggot pastime just like "bird-watching." Can't imagine why those homos would want to watch a bird if they're not gonna skin it and cook it - sounds like an unnatural attraction if you ask me.

Anyway, back to whaling - you gotta go with the Japs. They kill hundreds of whales every year for "research" (they research how it tastes). They also research the price - man, you wouldn't believe how much whale meat costs! I'd love to get into that business, but the Yakuza has got it all sewed up. Fortunately, I do have some profitable investments in other endangered species harvesting, like making fur coats from baby harp seals and snow leopards.

In case you get to go whaling, you'll be glad to know that these days they use big-ass harpoon guns. So you can sit back on the deck and enjoy a bottle of scotch, then fire one off when you see a whale. It's cool the way those things squirt blood:



Technology has sure come a long way since the days of Captain Ahab:



Speaking of Ahab, I understand that he never got to kill that white whale. Boy, I'd love to be the one who bags it. No doubt it's the last one in the world - must feel great to be the man who finally wipes out an endangered species.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

That does look like a nice gun to have with me in my Hummer. I'll take two. I don't really fish, since fishing is for fags, but killing a whale sounds very interesting. Sharks could be fun too now that I think of it. I wonder if they have trips for that.

Proverbs 12:27 "The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious."

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

I got a bit tired of Mrs. Johnson removing the "for sale" sign from her lawn every time I put up a new one, so I decided to sell her car instead. I needed $50.000 for a bet donation to the Church so I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved.

After I sold her car, as usual, she ran onto my property screaming and yelling and those new sound detectors Free Market Fred got me turned out to work very well. The sprinklers now targeted her much faster than before, blasting her before she could even enter my property. I really love this advanced technology.

I must admit events like these make me miss Mister Johnson. He was a great guy and I am very sure he is in Heaven. I still regret the day I killed him, even though that was clearly an accident. I just got my Smith and Wesson 500 and I didn't know yet how powerful it actually was. I was just firing a warning shot at our mailman because he was 5 minutes late. The bullet went through my door, grazed the mailmen as I intended it to, went through a car, hurt the driver, went through my neighbors wall, killed my neighbor, went through another wall and then hurt a few cows. I clearly needed to get used to the power of that gun and unfortunately that lesson did cost my dear neighbor his life. It also caused me some slight legal problems but the Churches lawyers where able to fix all that. I am also fairly certain Mister Johnson does not really mind though. He must be in Heaven for sure and he is now saved from that nagging bitch Mrs. Johnson. She will go to hell for sure and I am certain Mister Johnson will have eternal fun watching her burn.

Mark 16:19 "So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God."

Hi Brother Cranky,

I'm glad you enjoyed using the targeted lawn sprinklers. We're working on a newer model that can use a motion detector to fire teargas shells or (optionally) rock salt. Sadly, the federal guvmint still won't let us arm these with 12-gauge shotgun shells, but our lobbyists are working on getting these repressive laws changed. Your second amendment rights are very important to us.

The Smith and Wesson 500 - good choice for a hand carry weapon - can blow someone's head clean off. I realize that this baby (see below) is a little too bulky for a concealed weapon, but you might want to carry one in your pickup truck or SUV:


An armed society is a polite society.

Next time you have a road rage incident with one of them faggoty Toyota Prius cars, one shot is all you'll need. Do pay attention to whatever is behind the car you're targeting, lest you accidentally take out another car, a house or an elementary school.

Note that these are also good for deer hunting. Or whale hunting.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

I got a bit tired of Mrs. Johnson removing the "for sale" sign from her lawn every time I put up a new one, so I decided to sell her car instead. I needed $50.000 for a bet donation to the Church so I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved.

After I sold her car, as usual, she ran onto my property screaming and yelling and those new sound detectors Free Market Fred got me turned out to work very well. The sprinklers now targeted her much faster than before, blasting her before she could even enter my property. I really love this advanced technology.

I must admit events like these make me miss Mister Johnson. He was a great guy and I am very sure he is in Heaven. I still regret the day I killed him, even though that was clearly an accident. I just got my Smith and Wesson 500 and I didn't know yet how powerful it actually was. I was just firing a warning shot at our mailman because he was 5 minutes late. The bullet went through my door, grazed the mailmen as I intended it to, went through a car, hurt the driver, went through my neighbors wall, killed my neighbor, went through another wall and then hurt a few cows. I clearly needed to get used to the power of that gun and unfortunately that lesson did cost my dear neighbor his life. It also caused me some slight legal problems but the Churches lawyers where able to fix all that. I am also fairly certain Mister Johnson does not really mind though. He must be in Heaven for sure and he is now saved from that nagging bitch Mrs. Johnson. She will go to hell for sure and I am certain Mister Johnson will have eternal fun watching her burn.

Mark 16:19 "So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God."

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

My neighbor Mrs. Johnson is really crazy. She just came running to my property all screaming and angry. All this just because I put a "for sale" sign on her lawn. I wanted to donate the money to the Church, so I don't get what she is so angry about. I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved. Fortunately the sprinkler system got her down before she came to close to my house.

She will clearly go to hell for not loving her neighbor: Mark 12:31 "And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I am certain Mister Johnson is in Heaven and I am certain he will have fun watching her burn in hell for all eternity. As will I.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Hello Brother Jeffrey, nice of you to visit.

We doused the mailman once, so we put a timer on the hose. If mailman gets squirted agin', it is his own fault for being late.

I had a similar problem with mailmen here as well. Free Market Fred got me some detection system that recognizes uniforms now. Something they use in Pakistan I think. So now it doesn't shoot at mailmen any more. Which is important because my wife never leaves the house (I don't like her to leave the house) so everything we buy we buy online. I have a great wife, we love each other almost as much as we love Jesus.

Deuteronomy 6:5 "And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might."

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Dear Cranky Old Man;
Sister Verna wants to thank you for this thread (she ain't permitted to go on the internets by herself since she was cruising sites for something called Big Richards, or maybe it was Big Dicks ...well it was something she didn't ask prior husbandly permission for).

Anyways, we got one of them bird squirting motion activeter things to keep the messican kids off our lawn. Sister Verna grew up in a auto salvage yard, so she is pretty mechanic handy. She simply put a waterbed ejector (the ones you hook to a garden hose to suck out the water from the bed) and dipped it into the septic tank inspection hole. Then she hooked it up to the motion sprayer thing.

Now the little Pedro's gets Baptized from our sewage when they enter our yardly perimeter. We also have the benefit of real green grass AND we don't have to have the septic tank pumped out as often.

We doused the mailman once, so we put a timer on the hose. If mailman gets squirted agin', it is his own fault for being late.

Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Too {she is proud she done "gone green" and recycled our urine on mud persons kids}

PS>>> if you put some ground up Percocets into your coffee ,then it means you ain't taking pills and it is therefor OK.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

My leg is very well now. Which is good since I spend a lot of time on Project Habakkuk lately. Hard work but for a good cause.

For some reason Mrs. Johnson screamed some accusations of me stealing her stuff. Complete lies, that stuff belongs to Mister Johnson and I am very sure he would not mind me selling it to get money for good causes. Fortunately the motion detector detected her and a nice water blast scared her away. Which reminds me I have to get sound detectors installed on those sprinklers. I am sure Free Market Fred will have some solution for that.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

The high-pressure sprinkler system is finally completed. Tuning it did cost one of my grandsons an eye, but he wasn't using it to pay attention anyway. It works flawlessly now. Once some kid gets on my lawn, he is now automatically hit with a high pressure water beam. It's powerful enough to actually hurt the brat.

I also solved the bear-trap problem. Free Market Fred provided me with some advanced detectors which means I can now step on them without any risk while Mrs. Johnson's dogs are still crushed by them. She seems to finally be running out of dogs by the way. I am seeing less and less of those annoying animals.

The pain in my leg is getting under control too now. I still have to limp, but I can do almost everything again now. Which is nice since it will allow me to visit Hatchet's birthday party today. Which reminds me I still have to kill something to use as birthday present. Some pheasant would be nice I think.

God has been very good to me today.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Today it was my own turn to be stupid. While kicking one of Mrs. Johnson's dogs of my property I stepped into one of the bear-traps. This means I will have to miss Bible Study tonight, which is very annoying. The worst part is that it all was very funny to Mrs. Johnson. I didn't break anything by the way, only flesh wounds, but at the moment it hurts a LOT. For those not knowing me, I never take pills, I always believe we have to take our suffering the way our LORD wants us to. And I clearly deserved some suffering for not paying attention while kicking that dog.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Ever since I accidentally killed Mister Johnson, Mrs. Johnson has been on my case. No matter how small the pet we kill is, she will be whining about it. And she has a LOT of pets. I suspect her to have lot's of pets just to make sure some get killed by me so she has something to whine about.

Like today. Installing the sprinklers is not going as well as I hoped. One of my idiot sons borrowed a large excavator to make room for the extra strong high pressure water pipes one of my other even more idiotic sons arranged for me. For some reason Mrs. Johnson released a huge bunch of puppies and most of them got crushed by the excavator. To top things off the mother dog damaged one of my expensive bear-traps. Very hard to get all the blood of those things. As usual Mrs. Johnson failed to take responsibility so we had to clean up the mess.

And of course the whining was worse than ever.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

This sprinkler system is tougher than it seems. While one of my idiot sons was working on high pressure water pipes for the water distribution to my new sprinklers some of the water taps of Mrs. Johnson jumped of their pipes and flooded her house. Pure coincidence of course but as usual she blames me. She always does. Like she did last 4th of July when she claimed our white phosphorous fireworks (thanks again by the way Free Market Fred, that stuff is great) caused her barn to burn down. The constant whining of that woman seems to know no end.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

That looks like an excellent vehicle for nice vacations.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

What you need is one of these babies. Brother BJ and his boys in security have a couple and they just rave about them.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

We had a small accident here. One of my idiot nice sons made a stupid mistake. While installing and testing it, one of the new motion detecting sprinklers exploded under the enhanced pressure. It killed one of Mrs. Johnson's dogs and more importantly it cost me one of my nice new sprinklers. Oh and my son lost a finger. The advantage is we have less of that annoying barking now, although it seems to have been replaced by the constant whining of Mrs. Johnson. Mrs. Johnson was already angry because her cat lost part of it's tail while I was shooting rodents with my grandsons a few days ago. She still refuses to believe we had nothing to do with that. The husband of that bitch nice woman must be really relieved to be in Heaven.