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Dear Friends,
I don't know how many times I have heard a True Christian™ rebuke a sinner by accurately reciting the torments of Hell, especially perpetual sodomy by Satan himself, only to have the sinner retort, stupidly, "sounds like fun to me"! A few points I'd like to call the attention of those blithe and hell-bound:
1. Satan has a razor-sharp penis. Penis is Latin for sword, and in this case, that's exactly what your tender buttocks are up against -- a cutting machine that slices, dices, chops, minces, and grates. Touch it and the fingers you used would fall severed to the ground (only to be reattached by Hell's HMO, currently Blue Cross/Blue Shield).
2. His dark apparatus is between one foot (unaroused) to five feet long (on watching Saved by the Bell). Unless your idea of a good time involves your "topman"'s willy bursting through your rib cage, well, Toto, you're not in San Francisco anymore.
3. No foreplay. No candles. No pathchouli oil or sensual massage. Satan, like bull-dykes and bankers, is all business, all the time.
4. Satan forces your grandmothers to watch, and forces you to see them naked. If you were straight, Satan makes your ex-girlfriends and wives watch. They generally chant, "who's the b-itch now" and howl with laughter as you get butt-plugged by his apelike member.
5. Cerebrus, the three-headed dog of Hell, gets all of Satan's "sloppy seconds." Think getting raped by a 500-lb dog sounds like fun? Ask Tom Hanks or Charles Grodin.
6. Satan won't stop until you tell him that you've learned a lesson, and explain what that lesson is. This becomes harder with each session, until you completely run out of applicable Afterschool Special taglines.
7. On those rare occasions that Satan wants you to be on top: he's 6,000 years old and has back hair like a Belushi.
Yours in Him,
bab
I don't know how many times I have heard a True Christian™ rebuke a sinner by accurately reciting the torments of Hell, especially perpetual sodomy by Satan himself, only to have the sinner retort, stupidly, "sounds like fun to me"! A few points I'd like to call the attention of those blithe and hell-bound:
1. Satan has a razor-sharp penis. Penis is Latin for sword, and in this case, that's exactly what your tender buttocks are up against -- a cutting machine that slices, dices, chops, minces, and grates. Touch it and the fingers you used would fall severed to the ground (only to be reattached by Hell's HMO, currently Blue Cross/Blue Shield).
2. His dark apparatus is between one foot (unaroused) to five feet long (on watching Saved by the Bell). Unless your idea of a good time involves your "topman"'s willy bursting through your rib cage, well, Toto, you're not in San Francisco anymore.
3. No foreplay. No candles. No pathchouli oil or sensual massage. Satan, like bull-dykes and bankers, is all business, all the time.
4. Satan forces your grandmothers to watch, and forces you to see them naked. If you were straight, Satan makes your ex-girlfriends and wives watch. They generally chant, "who's the b-itch now" and howl with laughter as you get butt-plugged by his apelike member.
5. Cerebrus, the three-headed dog of Hell, gets all of Satan's "sloppy seconds." Think getting raped by a 500-lb dog sounds like fun? Ask Tom Hanks or Charles Grodin.
6. Satan won't stop until you tell him that you've learned a lesson, and explain what that lesson is. This becomes harder with each session, until you completely run out of applicable Afterschool Special taglines.
7. On those rare occasions that Satan wants you to be on top: he's 6,000 years old and has back hair like a Belushi.
Yours in Him,
bab
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