Moving on Up

[Benedict A. Davis]

Brother Tannor,
I was concerned we might be hijacking Brother Rube's thread and I would hate to keep him apart from such important business and with him having such infrequent access he could easily miss something he needed to deal with now.

The reason for my contacting you is that I am happy to say, I will be spending more of my time in Freehold and will need to have certain amenities available to me while there. It embarrasses me to say this but I wish to make the Gold Tithe status this year but friends have told me I needed to put on more of the ''Gold Tither Face'', I must present myself as it befits a person in that position. My first purchase has been an automobile to use while I am there. I figured one of those stretched cars would be something a gold tither would have. My problem(s) is I have no place to keep it when I am not there and I guess it would look better if I were sitting in the back seat and not just driving the stretch.

I was wondering if you had any place I can park this vehicle until I can find a permanent place to garage it and would you know anybody who I might be able to hire as a part time driver? I know this is an inconvenience, me springing this on you like this but I am presently heading towards Florida to oversee the customizing of my new RV, I have to make sure it is finished in plenty of time for our planned road trip.
Attached is a picture of the new car, in case you wake up one morning and it is sitting outside your door.If you can think of anybody that might like the part time driving work just let me know.

[Nobar King]

Re: Moving on Up

That is a huge truck! You must have a beautiful family. How many boys do you have, again?

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Moving on Up

That is a huge truck! You must have a beautiful family. How many boys do you have, again?

You like it? There is just me these days, who knows though I have thought about getting another dog. When Beau got killed in that car wreck with my late wife it took a lot out of me but like they say time heals all wounds, eventually.

[HTannor]

Re: Moving on Up

I agree, Brother Davis, there is a danger of drawing attention away from Brother Rubicon's business venture.

I would be proud to provide parking facilities for that fine looking rig of yours.

Even though I have a single wide, I persuaded the park management to allow me to use a space normally reserved for double wides. They welcome the extra income I provide them by way of a percentage of the sales generated from my moped salvage yard located at the back of the property.

I shall make a parking space available for your vehicle by removing several non-running Snapper riding mowers I have lined up next to the neighbor's double wide. There's a quadriplegic down the street who wants them. He figures he can repair them using just a screwdriver clamped in his teeth.

Now, in order to safeguard your limo, I plan on removing the tires and placing concrete blocks under the hubs. This will give the appearance that your vehicle is not in operating condition. That should discourage the beaners and negroids that cruise through here on a daily basis looking for cars that actually run and can be driven away.

Dotty and Dolly are very excited about your visit. They're planning a welcoming party in your honor. One small planning issue - they want to know whether you prefer your female sheep with or without a cute little ribbon on its head.

Let the fun begin! Praise Jesus!!

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Moving on Up

I agree, Brother Davis, there is a danger of drawing attention away from Brother Rubicon's business venture.

I would be proud to provide parking facilities for that fine looking rig of yours.

Even though I have a single wide, I persuaded the park management to allow me to use a space normally reserved for double wides. They welcome the extra income I provide them by way of a percentage of the sales generated from my moped salvage yard located at the back of the property.

I shall make a parking space available for your vehicle by removing several non-running Snapper riding mowers I have lined up next to the neighbor's double wide. There's a quadriplegic down the street who wants them. He figures he can repair them using just a screwdriver clamped in his teeth.

Now, in order to safeguard your limo, I plan on removing the tires and placing concrete blocks under the hubs. This will give the appearance that your vehicle is not in operating condition. That should discourage the beaners and negroids that cruise through here on a daily basis looking for cars that actually run and can be driven away.

Dotty and Dolly are very excited about your visit. They're planning a welcoming party in your honor. One small planning issue - they want to know whether you prefer your female sheep with or without a cute little ribbon on its head.

Let the fun begin! Praise Jesus!!

Brother Tannor,
Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you as I have been a guest at the Pearl River Louisiana Sheriffs office for the last few days.
It seems the Sherriffs office had just started their ''Toys for Tots'' Christmas drive. This is where the local officers extend their jurisdiction onto the Interstate and to make a long story short I was remanded for doing 55 mph inside city limits. I stupidly said I was not going to accept my bad luck and pay the ticket and I demanded that it be taken to court.
When you demand a trial it is always good to find out if the Presiding judge is available or was he off hunting boar out in the swamp, especially if you have out of state plates on your vehicle. Did you know they hold you in jail when waiting on the judge to finish his vacation? 4 days! They were nice enough folks and served up some great meals too.
When the judge got back he threw out the case, back handed his brother-in-law, the deputy and presented me with a bill for 4 days room and board at $275 a day, plus gratuity. That was the most expensive $120 ticket I ever fought. On the bright side I made a new friend with the judge and he gave me 1/2 a hog that he had shot while out in the bayou.

I am guessing that the new truck will be there soon and well, I was thinking that if you could be so kind to put a couple miles on it as it will need to be broke in. I wired you $1000 to the American Express office as I figured it will need filling up before you drive it. I can't remember exactly how big the diesel tank is on it but I hope that will cover it and if there is any left use it to pay the rent on that extra ground next to your trailer.

Your lady friends sound like a fun group, please tell them they don't have to go to any trouble cooking up a lamb for me with or without that fancy decoration on it.

Well I hope to see you next week, I am scheduled to be at the RV builders today and we will go through the ''extras'' they are installing for me. How are the plans for our road trip coming along?
YIC

[HTannor]

Re: Moving on Up

Brother Tannor,

Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you as I have been a guest at the Pearl River Louisiana Sheriffs office for the last few days. It seems the Sherriffs office had just started their ''Toys for Tots'' Christmas drive. This is where the local officers extend their jurisdiction onto the Interstate and to make a long story short I was remanded for doing 55 mph inside city limits. I stupidly said I was not going to accept my bad luck and pay the ticket and I demanded that it be taken to court.

Wait, what? You did say Pearl River, didn’t you? Pearl River, Louisiana, right? Sheriff Beauregard Tannor III is my first cousin! You didn’t mention him by name, you just talked about the deputies, so I’m guessing your didn’t meet him. He’s a pretty good fella and should your destination have come up, he would have immediately thought of me and asked you about that.

I’ll give him a call and see if there is any way he can refund your “room and board” fees from the petty cash they’ve built up from “good will contributions” made by out-of-state motorists.

I am guessing that the new truck will be there soon and well, I was thinking that if you could be so kind to put a couple miles on it as it will need to be broke in. I wired you $1000 to the American Express office as I figured it will need filling up before you drive it. I can't remember exactly how big the diesel tank is on it but I hope that will cover it and if there is any left use it to pay the rent on that extra ground next to your trailer.

The Western Union office called earlier this morning and said there was a money order waiting for me. I asked who it was from and they said post 9-11 security standards wouldn’t allow them to discuss the sender. I immediately thought of some filty mudslime sending me money and immediately looked outside to see if there were any black Suburbans moving slowly down the street.

I’m very relieved it’s from you. I’ll head down there and pick it up. I fully expect the fill-up will exhaust the thousand dollars you wired since diesel prices have spiked horribly here in the trailer park since the gulf oil spill.

As far as break-in mileage goes, I’ll try my best to set that odometer whirling while I parade that beauty around. I’m figuring I can rack up at least 2000 miles on it with a quickie weekend jaunt to Las Vegas and back.

Your lady friends sound like a fun group, please tell them they don't have to go to any trouble cooking up a lamb for me with or without that fancy decoration on it.

Cooking a lamb? I’m not sure that’s what Dolly and Dotty were thinking, but I’ll ask.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Moving on Up

Brother HT.
I am glad to hear that everything is proceeding well with my vehicle and I am happy to hear you are going to do the break in for me. I have wired a 2nd check to make sure you have enough money to cover all the driving you are talking of doing for me. I hope that this amount I sent is ok to cover expenses but I was concerned about thee new federal reporting laws that are now in place with the Demonocrats trying to undermine the lifestyles of upper middle class Americans!I mean if I were some crack addict welfare mom the authorities would not bat an eye if I wanted to send a friend a cash gift of $10,001.00 but let a middle aged white guy do it and it is auditors crawling through your business so fast it would make your head swim.
One favor I would ask is that while you drive it through town could you please wear one of those chauffeur caps? Just in the town, I want people to get used to seeing me being driven round by a professional. It is just part of the image building thing I am trying to accomplish.
If you decide to drive it out of town give me a call on the cell phone and let me know where you are heading as I would like to say thank you properly. Let me pick up your room and board in Vegas, just let me know where you want to stay, it is the least I can do for helping me out with the truck.
I am not sure what your lady friends were saying about the lamb (chop?) question but I am sure they know best as I know little about things that happen in the ....kitchen?
speak with you soon
YIC

[HTannor]

Re: Moving on Up

Brother HT.

I am glad to hear that everything is proceeding well with my vehicle and I am happy to hear you are going to do the break in for me. I have wired a 2nd check to make sure you have enough money to cover all the driving you are talking of doing for me. I hope that this amount I sent is ok to cover expenses but I was concerned about three new federal reporting laws that are now in place with the Demonocrats trying to undermine the lifestyles of upper middle class Americans!

Brother Davis, as usual your timing is impeccable. I literally walked in the door and heard the little tone my computer emits to signal let me know that it had a new message – and it was yours!

I’ll call Western Union immediately after responding here. There was no need for another large money order, but I will use it wisely in the spirit of Brotherhood.

To be absolutely candid, Jolene, Dotty, and Dolly had already asked to go along in the break-in mileage weekend. I’ve told them the chief ground rule will be no strangers in the car! There will no picking up of hitchhikers on the side of the road or worn-out cowboys should we stop for some refreshments along the way at any quaint little bistros – and here I’m talking about cowboy-themed saloons.

They readily agreed to the ground rules, but wanted an exemption built in. They feel that hitchhikers and cowboys should be exempted when the person in question has no facial tattoos. I countered with expanding the exemption to “no facial tattoos OR ones on their knuckles reading “Love” on one hand and “Hate” on the other. I think we have an agreement and will finalize it this evening when Jolene brings over some cough medicine to seal the deal.

One favor I would ask is that while you drive it through town could you please wear one of those chauffeurs’ caps? Just in the town, I want people to get used to seeing me being driven round by a professional. It is just part of the image building thing I am trying to accomplish.

Of course I’ll wear one. In fact I already have one that I wear when on my moped. I always felt it added a certain dashing flair to my motoring life.

If you decide to drive it out of town give me a call on the cell phone and let me know where you are heading as I would like to say thank you properly. Let me pick up your room and board in Vegas, just let me know where you want to stay, it is the least I can do for helping me out with the truck.

Thanks for the kind offer, but “the girls” and I have already planned on sleeping in the limo. I dropped by Home Depot and picked up some plastic sheeting we’ll use to cover the seats lest there be any spillage or something that may be difficult to remove from the leather.

I am not sure what your lady friends were saying about the lamb (chop?) question but I am sure they know best as I know little about things that happen in the ....kitchen?

I talked to Dolly and Dotty and they assured me they felt you are the type of man that prefers the occasional romp with Mother Nature, so that’s why they have chosen a very special sheep for you. I mentioned the “lamb” you referred to and they just can’t figure out why you keep calling it a lamb when they are talking about a mature grown female. They showed me a photo of the lovely creature and, I must say, I’m sure you’ll be pleased when the two of you spend some quiet time together.





P.S. I called my cousin, the Sheriff, and explained the close personal Brotherhood you and I share in the name of Jesus. He offered his sincere apologies and will immediately get a refund in the mail. He regretted that it won’t be the full amount since they have incurred some expenses in getting your cell back up to State of Louisiana standards.

He will deduct $75 for paint and supplies because you started putting hash marks on the wall to document your time in there. Another $5 will be deducted for destroying the metal cup you clanged against the bars to harass the guards.

He won’t impose any charge for the Gideon Bible you used to clean the toilet since the “Gids” come through monthly to replace their copies.

He also regretted having to tell you that the Judge, Jefferson Davis DuBois IV, refused to expunge the record of your arrest since, and I quote, “No damned Yankee is evah gonna soil our strictly controlled speed limits and get away with it because who knows what comes next – deflowering our young layduhs?”

At least, Brother Davis, he didn’t attach a price tag to that for another deduction.



P.S.S. I didn’t know you were a Yankee type. I thought you were a Cubs fan.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Moving on Up

Brother Davis, as usual your timing is impeccable. I literally walked in the door and heard the little tone my computer emits to signal let me know that it had a new message – and it was yours!

I’ll call Western Union immediately after responding here. There was no need for another large money order, but I will use it wisely in the spirit of Brotherhood.

To be absolutely candid, Jolene, Dotty, and Dolly had already asked to go along in the break-in mileage weekend. I’ve told them the chief ground rule will be no strangers in the car! There will no picking up of hitchhikers on the side of the road or worn-out cowboys should we stop for some refreshments along the way at any quaint little bistros – and here I’m talking about cowboy-themed saloons.

They readily agreed to the ground rules, but wanted an exemption built in. They feel that hitchhikers and cowboys should be exempted when the person in question has no facial tattoos. I countered with expanding the exemption to “no facial tattoos OR ones on their knuckles reading “Love” on one hand and “Hate” on the other. I think we have an agreement and will finalize it this evening when Jolene brings over some cough medicine to seal the deal.



Of course I’ll wear one. In fact I already have one that I wear when on my moped. I always felt it added a certain dashing flair to my motoring life.



Thanks for the kind offer, but “the girls” and I have already planned on sleeping in the limo. I dropped by Home Depot and picked up some plastic sheeting we’ll use to cover the seats lest there be any spillage or something that may be difficult to remove from the leather.




I talked to Dolly and Dotty and they assured me they felt you are the type of man that prefers the occasional romp with Mother Nature, so that’s why they have chosen a very special sheep for you. I mentioned the “lamb” you referred to and they just can’t figure out why you keep calling it a lamb when they are talking about a mature grown female. They showed me a photo of the lovely creature and, I must say, I’m sure you’ll be pleased when the two of you spend some quiet time together.





P.S. I called my cousin, the Sheriff, and explained the close personal Brotherhood you and I share in the name of Jesus. He offered his sincere apologies and will immediately get a refund in the mail. He regretted that it won’t be the full amount since they have incurred some expenses in getting your cell back up to State of Louisiana standards.

He will deduct $75 for paint and supplies because you started putting hash marks on the wall to document your time in there. Another $5 will be deducted for destroying the metal cup you clanged against the bars to harass the guards.

He won’t impose any charge for the Gideon Bible you used to clean the toilet since the “Gids” come through monthly to replace their copies.

He also regretted having to tell you that the Judge, Jefferson Davis DuBois IV, refused to expunge the record of your arrest since, and I quote, “No damned Yankee is evah gonna soil our strictly controlled speed limits and get away with it because who knows what comes next – deflowering our young layduhs?”

At least, Brother Davis, he didn’t attach a price tag to that for another deduction.



P.S.S. I didn’t know you were a Yankee type. I thought you were a Cubs fan.

Brother HT,
thank you for all you have done especially contacting your family in Pearl River. I have to tell you that I believe one of those hogs the judge was hunting must have trampled him as he seems very confused since he and I spoke. I remember saying I was raised North of him, 17 miles north, in Picayune Mississippi...technically it is still north, Personally I always felt the North started on the south side of Tennessee and East to Shenandoah Virginia . Of course you got to cut off Florida as part of messico.Oh well those days are pretty much over it is the 21st century, right? 21 right?
About the break in drive please remember my only rule, felons or concealed guns, never both together. I do have to protect my licensure if you get my drift.

Once again I am confused by your lady friends comments about mutton, is this an Iowaian thing? I will leave these matters to the locals as I want to learn the local customs to better fit in.
ps I think I got the optional shower suite on the stretch, I think so feel free to have a sleep over instead of a hotel room. I think that your wanting to take such good care of my vehicle is commendable but if you would be more comfortable in a room or 4 it should be fine in a secure parking lot in Vegas. Again it is up to you.

[HTannor]

Re: Moving on Up

About the break in drive please remember my only rule, felons or concealed guns, never both together. I do have to protect my licensure if you get my drift.

Oh, my Lordy, of course I catch your drift. And thank you for the reminder. I expect Jolene any minute and will add the felons, convicts, and concealed weapons to the exemption.

If I may be so bold to add yet another exemption, that would be dealing with crack pipes, maryjewana "bongs" and the like. I don't want them smelling up your limo. I know Jolene won't have a problem with this, her weakness seems to be of the "liquid" variety. Dotty and Dolly tend to confine their "interests" to a physical nature.

Once again I am confused by your lady friends comments about mutton, is this an Iowaian thing? I will leave these matters to the locals as I want to learn the local customs to better fit in.

"Mutton?" I'm confused by all this myself. I've never tasted this "mutton" you refer to. Once, in the distant past, and under the influence of Jolene's cough medicine, I recall waking one morning with the distinct taste of lanolin in my mouth but I took that to be a low-priced tooth paste I secured at the Dollar Store. I shall have to explore this further.

By the way, the female sheep "the girls" have procured for you is really quite attractive, in the “Ovis Aries” genus, and would be a bit of a “trophy on your wall” if we can get her to smile after your get-together. This shouldn’t be a problem since all three of the girls have a mega-pixel camera built into their cell phones and have been quite creative in what they’ve shot in those “Ansel Adams” moments.

ps I think I got the optional shower suite on the stretch……...

You are referring, of course, to the time spent in the Pearl River “Sheltering Arms Motel” in Louisiana. My cousin mentioned something about the bathing facilities in the “motel” and said there was some confusion concerning the number of people allowed to bathe at the same time. He said you complained that you felt the accommodations were “less than adequate” and you complained there may have been some of the others in there harboring “satanic” thoughts.

He said this warning sign should have been adequate:



but that you refused to believe it was warning enough.

Oh, Brother Davis, it’s all so confusing, please bear with me while I sort this out.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Moving on Up

Oh, my Lordy, of course I catch your drift. And thank you for the reminder. I expect Jolene any minute and will add the felons, convicts, and concealed weapons to the exemption.

If I may be so bold to add yet another exemption, that would be dealing with crack pipes, maryjewana "bongs" and the like. I don't want them smelling up your limo. I know Jolene won't have a problem with this, her weakness seems to be of the "liquid" variety. Dotty and Dolly tend to confine their "interests" to a physical nature.




"Mutton?" I'm confused by all this myself. I've never tasted this "mutton" you refer to. Once, in the distant past, and under the influence of Jolene's cough medicine, I recall waking one morning with the distinct taste of lanolin in my mouth but I took that to be a low-priced tooth paste I secured at the Dollar Store. I shall have to explore this further.

By the way, the female sheep "the girls" have procured for you is really quite attractive, in the “Ovis Aries” genus, and would be a bit of a “trophy on your wall” if we can get her to smile after your get-together. This shouldn’t be a problem since all three of the girls have a mega-pixel camera built into their cell phones and have been quite creative in what they’ve shot in those “Ansel Adams” moments.




You are referring, of course, to the time spent in the Pearl River “Sheltering Arms Motel” in Louisiana. My cousin mentioned something about the bathing facilities in the “motel” and said there was some confusion concerning the number of people allowed to bathe at the same time. He said you complained that you felt the accommodations were “less than adequate” and you complained there may have been some of the others in there harboring “satanic” thoughts.

He said this warning sign should have been adequate:



but that you refused to believe it was warning enough.

Oh, Brother Davis, it’s all so confusing, please bear with me while I sort this out.

Brother HT,
Thank you very much for that trip down memory lane with that picture of the showering facilities in Pearl River,La..I could not sleep after my shower night and that was the night before appearing in front of the Judge. Maybe that is where I got that''guilty look'' the Judge kept commenting on.
No the shower suite I was commenting on was inside the stretch limotruck not the 4 day stretch in county lock up.

I have no idea what these ''boing'' things you were speaking of, is it some sort of travel game like pictionary? I leave all these matters in your hands sir. So THe ladies are photographers huh, hope you have planned on going out to the Hoover dam and the Grand Canyon while in the area, sure would be a shame for them to miss those sites.

Is it a common thing in Iowa for people to name their cattle, or sheep, with greek names? P mean I might feel bad killing and eating a sheep the ladies have named Ovis(?). It just wouldn't seem right, to them I mean, I never met the lamb chop myself.... but when in Rome, do what the Romans tell you to.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Moving on Up

Brother HT,
Just wanted to find out if you received the hard copy of the insurance card that you reminded me of. I know that I am not a frequent visitor to Iowa but are you sure it is standard procedure to get a added rider for accidental fire? Is this a common problem, if so I guess should make sure all my vehicles are covered.
Let me know how the break in trip goes, I am interested to see if it does get the 6mpg the dealer lauded over.
Things with the RV is going well, I had 2 gun safes placed in the vehicle, again thanks for the idea of hiding one of them. We did as you instructed and it is seamless, unless you knew what to look for it would never be found. Where did you get the idea from ? You should have seen the look on the engineers face when I described what I wanted. Yes, I described it as you instructed ''big enough for 4 messicans and their chickens''. He understood exactly the size I wanted.
The granite countertops have been ordered but I am concerned using the same materiel on the floor, just think of the weight. Maybe I will see if a bigger diesel package can go in it. Anyway I will send pictures when it is closer to completion.