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MY REPORT FROM THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION!
MODERATOR"S NOTE: When we decided to send an LBC member to the Republican Convention, we thought long and hard about who had the best qualifications. In the end, we decided that Dr. Laurie's sterling correspondence-school diploma, and and foreign policy experience (she lives close to Canada) meant she was the one for the job. And she has delivered! If it wasn't for Dr. Laurie's reporting, we would have to go by liberal-biased converage such as the following:
Needless to say, GOD BLESS YOU DOCTOR LAURIE! -Jeb Thurmond
Needless to say, GOD BLESS YOU DOCTOR LAURIE! -Jeb Thurmond
Yeah, I had no idea sugar could rot, but when I was on a bar-crawl with some Exxon lobbyists and a member of the Saudi Arabian delegation (more on them later) I couldn't find a proper sugar packet for my coffee (An attractive lady like myself has to have a drink in her hand, to stop the gentlemen from giving her alcohol).
Oh, here's the band that was playing: They're called "Hookers and Blow" and the song that they played many times that night was this one: "Pave the Rainforest":
Anyway I finally I found that some helpful Pharma lobbyist had already opened all the sugar packets and used razorblades to divide the sugar into perfect amounts for those of us who only like a little bit of sugar in our coffee. So I put on of these little sugar rows into my coffee, but it didn't seem much sweeter, so I added more and more rows and then - WOW - that was some sweet coffee.
I got such a sugar rush that I couldn't help but dance a bit, and for some reason, I also have a temporary tattoo. I'm pretty certain it's temporary, anyway. Food poisoning from eating spoiled sugar has all sorts of symptoms, even now my heartbeat is still going BOOMBOOMBOOM and I seem to be having one nonstop hot-flash.
So, due the the spoiled sugar, I can't really put my recollections in proper order, everything is kind of blurry. I'll try to separate my comments into sections:
WHO ARE THE NICEST LOBBYISTS?
I think the Oil companies and the Insurance lobbyists are the nicest, but you have to give it to the Saudia Arabians for best effort. At first there was some confusion, they kept giving me money and asking for "teabags". I told them that I wasn't a waitress and that there was only coffee and booze, but they just gave me more money, and asked me if I wanted to do some dance called "style of dog" (I said no, the most up-to-date dance I know is the "Hustle"). So I told them I'd rather talk about our energy policy, and how Saudi Arabians really knew how to find virgin terratory to Drill-Drill-Drill. They said that in their hotel room they could show me how Saudi Arabians drill, though at this point my memories go hazy again.
MINNESOTA: CITY OF WHORES!
This is my first time in Minnesota, and let me tell you, it seems that half the population on this city is either a prostitute or a drug-dealer - sure, they're high class hos and pushers, but criminals all the same. Every party, meeting, strategy session and undisclosed location had prostitutes of all genders and orientations. The fat ones were especially nasty, they kept saying I was "on their turf"!
FREEDOM IS ON THE MARCH!
The only people nicer than the Exxon Lobbyists and those charming, chubby-chasing Saudi Arabians, are the bouncers. Yes, no exclusive party is complete without bouncers, and for the most exclusive party on Earth, you need a lot of 'em! Here are some pics of what happens to riff-raff that shows up without an invitation!
Our party has a strict dress code: NO SHORT-HAIRED WOMEN!
MORE UPDATES IN A MOMENT
I've just developed a nosebleed, for some reason.
Donate to the Sacred Life Sperm Bank today! "
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