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Cunnilingus is a despicable and lewd act that has no place in a Christian bedroom. The Lord doesn't want us to eat cooters. If He did, cooters would have built-in condiment stations.
I cannot comprehend why any man would want to eat a cooter, but if the idea has entered your mind, here are a few good reasons why you shouldn't:
1. Cooter demons. Cooters are dark and damp--the perfect conditions for not only mushrooms and woodlice, but demons as well. If you place your open mouth on a cooter, you run a very real risk of demonic possession. Now, I am so virtuous that I could ingest an army of demons and crap them out without so much as a pang of indigestion, but the average man is not nearly so morally robust.
2. Mushrooms and woodlice. Cooters have them. Lots of them. And most varieties of cooter mushrooms are poisonous.
3. Loss of authority. Performing cunnilingus puts you in a state of submission. Your wife will become the dominant one and start making decisions. Since women have oatmeal for brains, all of your hard-earned money will be squandered on doilies, scented candles, and self-improvement books.
You will, for all intents and purposes, have become the woman in the relationship. If, God forbid, this happens to you, the best thing you can do is trick your wife into orally gratifying you so that you have the upper hand again. Since most women don't like to go down "there," tell her there's a tabloid magazine or a bar of chocolate tucked between your legs.
You've been warned, gentlemen. Be wise and instead use your tongues for saying prayers and spreading the Word of God. Praise Jesus.
I cannot comprehend why any man would want to eat a cooter, but if the idea has entered your mind, here are a few good reasons why you shouldn't:
1. Cooter demons. Cooters are dark and damp--the perfect conditions for not only mushrooms and woodlice, but demons as well. If you place your open mouth on a cooter, you run a very real risk of demonic possession. Now, I am so virtuous that I could ingest an army of demons and crap them out without so much as a pang of indigestion, but the average man is not nearly so morally robust.
2. Mushrooms and woodlice. Cooters have them. Lots of them. And most varieties of cooter mushrooms are poisonous.
3. Loss of authority. Performing cunnilingus puts you in a state of submission. Your wife will become the dominant one and start making decisions. Since women have oatmeal for brains, all of your hard-earned money will be squandered on doilies, scented candles, and self-improvement books.
You will, for all intents and purposes, have become the woman in the relationship. If, God forbid, this happens to you, the best thing you can do is trick your wife into orally gratifying you so that you have the upper hand again. Since most women don't like to go down "there," tell her there's a tabloid magazine or a bar of chocolate tucked between your legs.
You've been warned, gentlemen. Be wise and instead use your tongues for saying prayers and spreading the Word of God. Praise Jesus.
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