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The homecoming dance, like prom, is a thinly-veiled excuse for fornication and alcohol consumption. It turns millions of girls into racily-dressed, hell-bound strumpets every year.
Last year, my granddaughter received permission from my daughter to attend one of these satanic sex parties. She was positively giddy and used the money she had been saving her entire life to purchase a dress. The day of the dance, I gave her a savage beating. I had wanted her to resemble Rocky after the big fight in Rocky III. I got even better. She looked like Rocky before the big fight in Rocky Balboa.
My granddaughter's face was swollen beyond recognition, and she refused to attend the dance. She sobbed, "I just wanted to look pretty and dance with my friends!" I put up my fists, bobbed around, and said, "You can dance with me, harlot."
Discounting the sex and alcohol, high school dances are still dangerous. If movies have taught me anything, it's that homicidal maniacs and telekinetic outcasts invariably turn them into bloodbaths*.
Do not let your daughter be deflowered by some pimply punk in a cheap suit. Take my Godly advice. Beat her to a pulp so that she makes the mature decision herself not to go to the homecoming dance.
*Horror movies have also taught me to avoid underage drinking and premarital sex at summer camps, never take a shower when I'm home alone, and immediately use the escape shuttle when I'm on a commercial towing spaceship on a return trip from Thedus to Earth and an alien comes out of a guy's stomach at dinnertime.
Last year, my granddaughter received permission from my daughter to attend one of these satanic sex parties. She was positively giddy and used the money she had been saving her entire life to purchase a dress. The day of the dance, I gave her a savage beating. I had wanted her to resemble Rocky after the big fight in Rocky III. I got even better. She looked like Rocky before the big fight in Rocky Balboa.
My granddaughter's face was swollen beyond recognition, and she refused to attend the dance. She sobbed, "I just wanted to look pretty and dance with my friends!" I put up my fists, bobbed around, and said, "You can dance with me, harlot."
Discounting the sex and alcohol, high school dances are still dangerous. If movies have taught me anything, it's that homicidal maniacs and telekinetic outcasts invariably turn them into bloodbaths*.
Do not let your daughter be deflowered by some pimply punk in a cheap suit. Take my Godly advice. Beat her to a pulp so that she makes the mature decision herself not to go to the homecoming dance.
*Horror movies have also taught me to avoid underage drinking and premarital sex at summer camps, never take a shower when I'm home alone, and immediately use the escape shuttle when I'm on a commercial towing spaceship on a return trip from Thedus to Earth and an alien comes out of a guy's stomach at dinnertime.
How did she even manage to get out of the house looking like a common street whore? I'm sure YOU weren't there!
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