Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

[Glendora Christianson]

My husband Elmer and I would like to please the Lord by sacrificing a firstborn male, but my son Skeeter refuses to cooperate. I have tried to explain to Skeeter that the good book of Exodus, Chapter 13 calls us to sacrifice our firstborn sons, but Skeeter still refuses, so we are looking for a stand-in. HOPEFUL GLENDORA

[The Spectator Man]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

You want to kill your son?


what kind of twisted s**t is that

[Kazoo]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

My husband Elmer and I would like to please the Lord by sacrificing a firstborn male, but my son Skeeter refuses to cooperate. I have tried to explain to Skeeter that the good book of Exodus, Chapter 13 calls us to sacrifice our firstborn sons, but Skeeter still refuses, so we are looking for a stand-in. HOPEFUL GLENDORA

But dear sister, I fear that you are mistaken, even if your intentions are noble! For the Book of Exodus only commands that Israelites sacrifice their firstborns. He obviously did not wish to eliminate any Godly American soldiers of Christ! Please forgive me if it is out of line to say this, but I do believe that you might be making a grievous mistake in attempting to sacrifice a Godly American True Christian.

Consecrate to me every firstborn male. The first offspring of every womb among the Israelites belongs to me, whether man or animal.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

... the Book of Exodus only commands that Israelites sacrifice their firstborns. He obviously did not wish to eliminate any Godly American soldiers of Christ ...

... hmmmm .... you might have a point there, Onara ... since America wasn't invented until after ...

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

My husband Elmer and I would like to please the Lord by sacrificing a firstborn male, but my son Skeeter refuses to cooperate. I have tried to explain to Skeeter that the good book of Exodus, Chapter 13 calls us to sacrifice our firstborn sons, but Skeeter still refuses, so we are looking for a stand-in. HOPEFUL GLENDORA

You folk accuse me of eating babies and in the meantime you're doing this.....?

[Kazoo]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

You folk accuse me of eating babies and in the meantime you're doing this.....?

Ah, but they aren't eating him--they're giving him to God to eat! That makes it okay.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

Ah, but they aren't eating him--they're giving him to God to eat! That makes it okay.

Maybe their 'god' doesn't worry about all those extra calories?

[Richard Cranium]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

I have something for Skeeter to read:

Deuteronomy 21:20-21 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Now Skeeter, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have two choices:
A) Let your parents kill you, or
You'll be killed for disobeying.

So sayeth the Lord, hallelujah.

Now, fortunately, baby Jesus came along, and sayeth;

Luke 14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

What the sweet baby Jesus wants to see in this instance is a race. Can your parents kill you before you kill them?

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Please keep us up to date on the winner of this race.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

If it was good enough for God, who sacrificed His only begotten son to wash away the sins of believers with His sweet blood, then it should be good enough for the Christianson family.

I wonder if you couldn't talk to Brother Worthington about this Mother G? He seems to have access to a never ending stream of unwanted children from the cesspools of the world. I wonder if a darkie make child would please the Lord as well as a Godly White one?

[Unsaved and Loving It]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

My husband Elmer and I would like to please the Lord by sacrificing a firstborn male, but my son Skeeter refuses to cooperate. I have tried to explain to Skeeter that the good book of Exodus, Chapter 13 calls us to sacrifice our firstborn sons, but Skeeter still refuses, so we are looking for a stand-in. HOPEFUL GLENDORA

Have you noticed your son hanging out by the car recently? Yeah, you might want to be careful next time you turn on the ignition switch. Instead of sending one to God, it'd sent the entire package wrapped and shipped via the express method (free of charge, too)

[Joo (Quarantined)]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

If it was good enough for God, who sacrificed His only begotten son to wash away the sins of believers with His sweet blood, then it should be good enough for the Christianson family.

Difference is God has magic and can bring his son back after he died, Glendora doesn't. Unless she's a witch, but I don't think she is, so that means she can't do it.

[lilith]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

Skeeter Kebabs,anyone?

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

I have something for Skeeter to read:

Deuteronomy 21:20-21 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Now Skeeter, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have two choices:
A) Let your parents kill you, or
You'll be killed for disobeying.

So sayeth the Lord, hallelujah.

Now, fortunately, baby Jesus came along, and sayeth;

Luke 14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

What the sweet baby Jesus wants to see in this instance is a race. Can your parents kill you before you kill them?

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Please keep us up to date on the winner of this race.

I guess I've been counting collections so long I forgot about the Deuteronomy 21:20-21 angle. I'll try it on Skeeter after he has a piece of my Iowa Peach Pie with ice cream.

[Richard Cranium]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

Praise be to Him Glendora, and I'm sorry about your impending loss.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Firstborn Male Sacrifice Wanted

Difference is God has magic and can bring his son back after he died, Glendora doesn't. Unless she's a witch, but I don't think she is, so that means she can't do it.

God is God, and He can do literally anything. Its not magic. God always wins, and its time you acknowledged that.