WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

And remember only Satan and his demons cause a woman to experience sexual pleasure. You should never ever feel aroused. If you do ... you are possessed by the Devil!

(add your advice in this thread only if you are NOT a WHORE)

[James Hutchins]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

BTB, these are the wedding vows my Missus memorized.

1 Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
2Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
3 Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
4 Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
5 During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
6 Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
7 Be happy to see him.
8 Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
9 Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
10 Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
11 Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
12 Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
13 Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
14 Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
15 A good wife always knows her place.

[Luci Mourningstar]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

I need advice from you good people.

My husband brought home a sex toy for us to play with.

He wants us to use it tonight. I urgent need help and advice as I do not want to disobey him, nor do I want to experience sinful pleasure.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

I need advice from you good people. My husband brought home a sex toy for us to play with. He wants us to use it tonight. I urgent need help and advice as I do not want to disobey him, nor do I want to experience sinful pleasure.

You have to make sure you obey your husband while at the same time you experience no pleasure. Concentrating on Jesus Christ in your mind might help you there. And pray as much as possible before, during and after. Also bake his favorite pie so he will eat more and sleep sooner.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

My husband brought home a sex toy for us to play with.

What's her name?

[Luci Mourningstar]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

You have to make sure you obey your husband while at the same time you experience no pleasure. Concentrating on Jesus Christ in your mind might help you there. And pray as much as possible before, during and after. Also bake his favorite pie so he will eat more and sleep sooner.

My mom also taught me to look at the ceiling and think of God. Sometimes I can, but there are times when they devil inhabits my body

Oh, the shame

[Luci Mourningstar]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

What's her name?

Pastor Ezekiel! It is made of rubber but my husband calls it Jenna Jameson. He said it was the name of his dog when we was little.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

You poor thing

I believe Cranky Old Man gave the best advice. My mother always told me to think of peach pie, but praying to Jesus sounds the best.

You may have to pray out loud to remind your husband who he should be thinking of? Perhaps shouting JESUS! or OH GOD! Will remind him whom he must submit to.

[Luci Mourningstar]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

You poor thing

I believe Cranky Old Man gave the best advice. My mother always told me to think of peach pie, but praying to Jesus sounds the best.

You may have to pray out loud to remind your husband who he should be thinking of? Perhaps shouting JESUS! or OH GOD! Will remind him whom he must submit to.

Thank you for your spirit filled reply, and to all the rest as well.

My husband usually shouts loud JESUS and OH GOD so I don't have to.

Please excuse me now, I have to go and bake an pie and then prepare myself

[Bob4God]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

Here's how I and my wife became one flesh on our first time:

After showering, I put on my long sleeve pajamas and full length night pants and positioned myself in a seat position under the covers on my side of the bed.

I then instructed Mrs. Fore to shower, dress herself in her full length nightgown in the bathroom, and then to emerge.

After that, I turned out the light, and guided her to the bed by clapping my hands repeatedly and told her to move towards the sound.

Once she was in the bed, I pulled a pillowcase down over head and then extricated myself from my sleep pants, and the rest is history.

We both prayed during the entire process, and did our best to keep our thoughts centered on CHRIST. Thank GOD it only took about four minutes.

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

(add your advice in this thread only if you are NOT a WHORE)

The University of Washington features an instructive booklet called "INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God". Link: http://depts.washington.edu/psy210/1894.html

Here's an extract:

Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it.

[BelieverInGod]

Tips on How to be a Good Wife

Perhaps to get this on a more Holy track.

My main suggestion for wives to be is to test run your recipes. Although you may have been raised in a Godly manner, and may be able to cook in a way that pleases your father and brothers, remember that you must adjust your recipes in order to please your husband. Your Mother-in-law can be a life (and bruise) saver in this. Learn from her, spend time with her. She will teach you how to please her son.

Also I copied this from another website

1. Do a load of laundry every day. Not only that, but fold it and put it away too. This has two advantages: The obvious one being that your kids and husband always know where to find a clean pair of underpants. The second is that you will no longer be tripping over a huge stinky reminder of how far behind you are (otherwise known as a laundry pile).

2. Do all your chores in the morning. Better yet, plan to get them all done by 8,9, or 10 am. This means having the basics of your to-do list done, except maybe some laundry that may still be drying. That way, you have all afternoon to prepare dinner, play with the kids, work on some projects, pay some bills, whatever!

3. Clean up the kitchen immediately after dinner. It's tempting to let those dishes "soak" until we feel motivated enough to clean them... but just get them done, you'll be glad you did. And don't forget to shine your sink!

4. Have a place for everything. If you can't store it all, you have too much stuff. De-clutter and organize until your able to conveniently and attractively store it all.

5. Put stuff away when your done with it. After all, your trying to teach your kids to do this! The other day I was baking some cookies and vacuuming. When I finished vacuuming, the oven timer said the cookies only had 47 seconds left.... I debated leaving the vacuum out, but instead rushed to put it away. You know what? I returned to my cookies with 18 seconds to spare.... Why procrastinate little jobs that only take 29 seconds?

6. Use 'pockets' of time. These are the little bits of time you have while waiting for something else. For instance, every morning I make the bed while I wait for the computer to boot up.

7. Don't watch t.v. during the day. Your husband probably isn't watching doctor Phil while he's at work, so you don't need to be watching it while you fold the laundry. You may also need to be careful how much time you spend on the computer... it can be a real time waster

8. Keep a Home Management Binder. It's way easier to manage your home when you have all your to-do list, routines, meal plans, recipes and phone numbers in one place. I plan to post all about my own Home Management Binder sometime soon, but in the meantime there are all sorts of bloggers out there who've posted about their binders if you need some help getting one started.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

I do have a horrible confession that has caused me years of grief and maybe one of the women here can help me.

I can't make a pie crust.

I don't know what it is. My mother was a horrible cook, so I learned from my aunt, even she threw in the towel. We'd be looking at the soggy mess that I had created and she would just say "I don't know where you went wrong, I watched every step, it all looked right, but somehow it came out wrong".

I've been cheating for years by buying pre-made pie crust and 'cheating'. I can make the fillings just fine, but crusts are just beyond me.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

How shameful!

You might want to consider enrolling in Landover Baptist University's Advanced Motherhood Degree.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: WOMEN ONLY!! Advice for Newlyweds

I will ask my husband about attending. Perhaps I should feed him one of my home made pies first (**gulp**)

As I said, I've been using bought pie crusts (it's so hard to hide the evidence) or relying heavily on crumbles, cobblers and graham cracker crusts.