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Demons are in Freehold once again! Early this morning around 8 AM I logged onto the internet to check my stocks and read our Church forums when my eyes were assaulted by disgusting, lustful advertisements for fornication. A small window appeared on my PC screen, with a photograph of a scantily clad woman in high heel shoes! She was clutching an unmentionable item, and the caption stated "Cum watch my webcam, you sexy hunk." I immediately hit the power button on my screen, and as I sat there in my desk chair pondering what just happened, I noticed for the first time an eerie red glow coming from behind my computer.
There it was. I spotted the little red light just below where the power cord hooks in. It was none other than a burning plastic demon! It sat nestled, hidden away from me for months. It watched every sermon I typed. It made sinful images appear on my screen. After over an hour of prayer and shouting rebukes in my home office, the demon just kept glowing, and occasionally flickering as if to mock me with its hellish laughter.
I immediately called Timothy Huxton, Landover's computer genius, but he did not answer. So, regretfully, I had no other choice but to take it to those secular smart alecs at "My Tech Force" in Des Moines. Upon arrival, I lugged the possessed computer out of the back of my Escalade and pushed open the doors of Tech Force. I was nearly asphyxiated by the pungent odor of pizza and human sweat. After placing my computer on the counter, I was rudely greeted by a huge man.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Remove this," I said as I pointed to the now black nub clinging to the back of my computer.
"That's an ELEEDEE."
"I don't care what you call the demon, just get rid of it before God get's rid of you."
The obese homosexual merely smiled, and returned my rebuke with an insult to our Godly congregation. "You aren't one of those rich idiots from that gated church near Freehold, are you?"
After about 10 minutes of arguing and crude humor from him, and equal rebukes from me, the overweight ball of pasta grease finally agreed to remove the demon. It bothered me how every time he said "demon" he would chuckle. He then handed me me some sort of Satanic writing. All I saw was a picture of a computer, and the words Idiot's Guide on the cover before I promptly returned his Devil book.
Now I sit here, my fellow Brothers and Sisters, with a demon free computer. There is a hole in the back with a few scratched-in obscenites that I have removed, but I'm happy to know that I'm still right with Jesus, and those foul homers at Tech Force will one day be slabs of pork at Satan's eternal hog roast! I have perhaps survived the most trying day of my life so far. Praise God!
There it was. I spotted the little red light just below where the power cord hooks in. It was none other than a burning plastic demon! It sat nestled, hidden away from me for months. It watched every sermon I typed. It made sinful images appear on my screen. After over an hour of prayer and shouting rebukes in my home office, the demon just kept glowing, and occasionally flickering as if to mock me with its hellish laughter.
I immediately called Timothy Huxton, Landover's computer genius, but he did not answer. So, regretfully, I had no other choice but to take it to those secular smart alecs at "My Tech Force" in Des Moines. Upon arrival, I lugged the possessed computer out of the back of my Escalade and pushed open the doors of Tech Force. I was nearly asphyxiated by the pungent odor of pizza and human sweat. After placing my computer on the counter, I was rudely greeted by a huge man.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Remove this," I said as I pointed to the now black nub clinging to the back of my computer.
"That's an ELEEDEE."
"I don't care what you call the demon, just get rid of it before God get's rid of you."
The obese homosexual merely smiled, and returned my rebuke with an insult to our Godly congregation. "You aren't one of those rich idiots from that gated church near Freehold, are you?"
After about 10 minutes of arguing and crude humor from him, and equal rebukes from me, the overweight ball of pasta grease finally agreed to remove the demon. It bothered me how every time he said "demon" he would chuckle. He then handed me me some sort of Satanic writing. All I saw was a picture of a computer, and the words Idiot's Guide on the cover before I promptly returned his Devil book.
Now I sit here, my fellow Brothers and Sisters, with a demon free computer. There is a hole in the back with a few scratched-in obscenites that I have removed, but I'm happy to know that I'm still right with Jesus, and those foul homers at Tech Force will one day be slabs of pork at Satan's eternal hog roast! I have perhaps survived the most trying day of my life so far. Praise God!
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