God Hates Figs (not a typo)

[Yeshua bar Yusuf]

Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I recently saw my neighbor, who claims to be a Christian (but obviously is not) at the grocery store, where she mentioned to me that Fig Newtons were on sale. Apparently, she had never read Mark 11:12-14, in which God clearly lays out his distaste for the fruit of the fig tree.

I just wanted to drop a helpful reminder that not all dietary restrictions are set forth in Leviticus 11. Remember, Brothers and Sisters in Christ, a cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton is damnation and cake.

Yours in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,
Yeshua

[Brother Temperance]

Re: God Hates Figs (not a typo)

And Fig Newtons are named after a sickular scientist who tried to disprove the theory of Intelligent Falling. What's next - Chocolate Einsteins? Darwin Creams? Dawkin Cookies? P.Z. Meyer Wagon Wheels? Renaming Lorna Doones as Marie Curie's Radiation Snax and Oreos as Mendeleevos? The mind boggles.

[Dan U. Holier]

Re: God Hates Figs (not a typo)

What’s not good enough for Jesus is not good enough for me!

And Fig Newtons are named after a sickular scientist who tried to disprove the theory of Intelligent Falling. What's next - Chocolate Einsteins? Darwin Creams? Dawkin Cookies? P.Z. Meyer Wagon Wheels? Renaming Lorna Doones as Marie Curie's Radiation Snax and Oreos as Mendeleevos? The mind boggles.

Brother Temperance, I for one am glad they name that junk food the way they did; that makes it repulsive to any devout Christian. What if they’d rather name it Fig Reagan? How about Bush Fried Shrimps? Wouldn’t it be tempting?

I’m in for Obama Spicy Squids! Double yuck!

[Brother Enoch]

Re: God Hates Figs (not a typo)

Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I recently saw my neighbor, who claims to be a Christian (but obviously is not) at the grocery store, where she mentioned to me that Fig Newtons were on sale. Apparently, she had never read Mark 11:12-14, in which God clearly lays out his distaste for the fruit of the fig tree.

I just wanted to drop a helpful reminder that not all dietary restrictions are set forth in Leviticus 11. Remember, Brothers and Sisters in Christ, a cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton is damnation and cake.

Yours in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,
Yeshua

Let's not forget Jeremiah 24:2-3
One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.Then said the LORD unto me, What seest thou, Jeremiah? And I said, Figs; the good figs, very good; and the evil, very evil, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil.

And Hosea 2:12
And I will destroy her vines and her fig trees, whereof she hath said, These are my rewards that my lovers have given me: and I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall eat them.

And, of course, Matthew 21:19
And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.

God's hatred of figs is well documented.

[Child Byar]

Re: God Hates Figs (not a typo)

I have pondered this verse, and I believe that Jesus may have hated figs because they are so deceitful.

After all, fig leaves were the ones that Adam and Eve used to press against their naughty bits and cow worshippers do pagan maypole dances around the Sacred Fig trees.

When Jesus cursed the common fig tree, He caused them to become hermaphroditic. Hermaphrodite figs are inedible to humans and can only be eaten by goats and other low animals.

It is easy to tell from this story that when God "blesses" your family with a hermaphrodite child, it is not a compliment!