Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Sisters, it is the sad reality of our human condition that the only way to make new soldiers for Jesus(c) is to engage in one of the filthiest pracitices known. It's also a proven fact* that couples who experience pleasure during this practice are much more likely to have children who are deformed, retarded, stillborn, or even homosexual. Thus, as True Christian™ baby factories, we have the duty of keeping our bedrooms free of sin. So much depends on it!

Here are some tips I've picked up over the years that will guarantee the most austere copulation possible:

• Wear a ball gag. This will prevent any sinful moans from escaping your throat.
• Secure your body with restraints made of metal or leather, so that no unnecessary motions are made or strange positions assumed. Handcuffs can provide an additional safeguard.
• Ask your husband to strike you with a whip or wet belt to mask any pleasurable sensations you may experience. If he wishes for you to do the same, oblige him.
• Encourage your husband to wear a ring around his tallywhacker. This will ensure that he does not become tumescent beyond what is reasonably required for reproduction.
• Use an appropriately-shaped object to "plug" your rear orifice. The violent nature of intercourse can lead to an involuntary release of the bowels, soiling the marriage bed and angering Jesus Christ—this will not happen if the opening is sufficiently blocked.

Any other advice, gals?

*Edwards, Dr. Jonathan. "Bed Of Death." Landover Baptist Press, 1994.

[SadSightSeer]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

You, dear lady, are a holy woman. The practices you are speaking about are called "bondage" and all the True Christians should engage in them with the fear of God's wrath in their hearts if instructed otherwise.

Praise Jesus for enlightning our womenhood to Salvation through bondage!

Amen!

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

Romans, Chapter 8
21": Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.

[Deaner]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

I usually just knock my wife straight out, cover her in a sheet and cut a hole in it. That way I don't have to see or hear her and can perform my duty to Christ with the least possible gross-out factor.

[VictoryOS]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

I usually just knock my wife straight out, cover her in a sheet and cut a hole in it. That way I don't have to see or hear her and can perform my duty to Christ with the least possible gross-out factor.

You are a compassionate and caring husband, Brother Deaner. I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

Sisters, it is the sad reality of our human condition that the only way to make new soldiers for Jesus© is to engage in one of the filthiest pracitices known. It's also a proven fact* that couples who experience pleasure during this practice are much more likely to have children who are deformed, retarded, stillborn, or even homosexual. Thus, as True Christian™ baby factories, we have the duty of keeping our bedrooms free of sin. So much depends on it!

Here are some tips I've picked up over the years that will guarantee the most austere copulation possible:

• Wear a ball gag. This will prevent any sinful moans from escaping your throat.
• Secure your body with restraints made of metal or leather, so that no unnecessary motions are made or strange positions assumed. Handcuffs can provide an additional safeguard.
• Ask your husband to strike you with a whip or wet belt to mask any pleasurable sensations you may experience. If he wishes for you to do the same, oblige him.
• Encourage your husband to wear a ring around his tallywhacker. This will ensure that he does not become tumescent beyond what is reasonably required for reproduction.
• Use an appropriately-shaped object to "plug" your rear orifice. The violent nature of intercourse can lead to an involuntary release of the bowels, soiling the marriage bed and angering Jesus Christ—this will not happen if the opening is sufficiently blocked.

Any other advice, gals?

*Edwards, Dr. Jonathan. "Bed Of Death." Landover Baptist Press, 1994.

BITING!!!! IT TAKES AWAY THE FEELING THAT THE ENCOUNTER IS SOMEHOW "ROMANTIC" OR "EFFECTIONATE"!!!!!

YOU COME AT THE WOMAN FROM BEHIND!!!! YOU GRAB A FIST FULL OF HER HAIR AND YOUR RIDE HER LIKE A MULE REAL HARD!!! MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A DIRTY BEAST OF THE FIELD BECAUSE NO RESPECTABLE WOMAN WOULD WANT TO BE HANDLED IN SUCH A FASHION. OR COME AT HER FROM THE FRONT AND GRAB HER BY THE NECK... CHOKING HER WHILE YOU RAVAGE HER TIL IT HURTS!!! BITE HER ON HER BUTT OR THIGH OR NECK OR BREAST OR WHEREVER!!!! LET HER BE DRENCHED IN YOUR UNCLEAN MAN SWEAT!!!! YOU SHOULD BOTH BE FIGHTING EACH OTHER THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE ORDEAL. IT SHOULDN'T BE ONE WAY!!! NO, SHE HAS TO KICK AND SCREAM AND STRATCH AND BITE BACK LEAST THE MAN FIND SOME ENJOYMENT IN IT!!! DON'T LET HER OR YOURSELF ENJOY ONE BIT OF IT!!!! IT SHOULD GO ON FOR HOURS SO THAT IT BECOMES LIKE A CHORE... yeah, a chore... right... right...

roar!!!!

[Talitha]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

OOooooh Mr Vaaaarrrhhhyyyyyrrrrggghhhh, you do have a way with words don't you?
Tell me, do you like Apple Pie? My Apple Pie is almost as good as my Cherry Cupcakes.
Do you like CupCakes? I know the Pastor's do.

Now, that bit about biting Butts and fighting.................... are you in the area for long?
I feel you need to explain some more

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

OOooooh Mr Vaaaarrrhhhyyyyyrrrrggghhhh, you do have a way with words don't you?
Tell me, do you like Apple Pie? My Apple Pie is almost as good as my Cherry Cupcakes.
Do you like CupCakes? I know the Pastor's do.

Now, that bit about biting Butts and fighting.................... are you in the area for long?
I feel you need to explain some more

I love Apple Pie and Cherry Cupcakes!!!!! I could sit down a ravage a plate of sweets all day long!!!! WWWWWRRRRRAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

[Dr. Zaius]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

I love Apple Pie and Cherry Cupcakes!!!!! I could sit down a ravage a plate of sweets all day long!!!! WWWWWRRRRRAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

Takes all day to eat some pie? Why do you eat so slow? Maybe you should take the bands off your braces BEFORE you eat.

WWWWWRRRRRAAAAGGGHHHH!!! Maybe (Needs metamucil).

[JennyD]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

Takes all day to eat some pie? Why do you eat so slow? Maybe you should take the bands off your braces BEFORE you eat.

WWWWWRRRRRAAAAGGGHHHH!!! Maybe (Needs metamucil).

Dr. Zaius, I find it admirable that when this fellow sits down to a woman's cherry pie, he takes his time and thoroughly savors the meal.

I imagine you just scarf it down in three licks and move on to something else, eh?

[Dr. Zaius]

Re: Ladies of Landover: Tips for Godly Babymaking!

When you mention it like that, you're right; the main course is often as good or better, but you know a hungry man will come back for seconds especially if the dish is hot.