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2 Chronicles 7-9
Today we get:
2 Chronicles 7
1 Now when Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices; and the glory of the LORD filled the house.
The last time the fire from heaven came down was when Elijah was burning the soaked wood. Wait, nevermind; that hasn't happened yet.
2 And the priests could not enter into the house of the LORD, because the glory of the LORD had filled the LORD's house.
Didn't they already leave because God wasn't following the no-smoking policy in the temple?
3 And when all the children of Israel saw how the fire came down, and the glory of the LORD upon the house, they bowed themselves with their faces to the ground upon the pavement, and worshipped, and praised the LORD, saying, For he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.
If I see fire come down from heaven; my first thought wouldn't be that God is good and that His mercy endureth forever; my thought would be; God is friggin AWESOME!!! Take that atheist scum!
5 And king Solomon offered a sacrifice of twenty and two thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep: so the king and all the people dedicated the house of God.
22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. Remember yesterday, they couldn't count the sacrifices; today we have 142,000 dead animals. How many were killed at the opening of the temple? If they could keep track up to 120,000 how many more did they kill earlier?
7 Moreover Solomon hallowed the middle of the court that was before the house of the LORD: for there he offered burnt offerings, and the fat of the peace offerings, because the brasen altar which Solomon had made was not able to receive the burnt offerings, and the meat offerings, and the fat.
The temple is a slaughter house. A meat processing facility. And all of it kosher.
11 Thus Solomon finished the house of the LORD, and the king's house: and all that came into Solomon's heart to make in the house of the LORD, and in his own house, he prosperously effected.
So long as Solomon follows the LORD, he does great.
12 And the LORD appeared to Solomon by night, and said unto him, I have heard thy prayer, and have chosen this place to myself for an house of sacrifice.
God said if he makes it not rain, or sends pestilence, or turns away from the people; He'll go back if they remember him.
But if they don't return.
20 Then will I pluck them up by the roots out of my land which I have given them; and this house, which I have sanctified for my name, will I cast out of my sight, and will make it to be a proverb and a byword among all nations.
He'll make it that no one wants to be a jew.
22 And it shall be answered, Because they forsook the LORD God of their fathers, which brought them forth out of the land of Egypt, and laid hold on other gods, and worshipped them, and served them: therefore hath he brought all this evil upon them.
They brought it on themselves, but God is the bringer!
2 Chronicles 8
Solomon built some cities.
7 As for all the people that were left of the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, which were not of Israel,
8 But of their children, who were left after them in the land, whom the children of Israel consumed not, them did Solomon make to pay tribute until this day.
Solomon in all his wisdom made the prior inhabitants of the land pay for the privilege of living with them. He also made them the workers.
9 But of the children of Israel did Solomon make no servants for his work; but they were men of war, and chief of his captains, and captains of his chariots and horsemen.
If you weren't of a tribe of Israel; you were a worker bee. If you were of Israel, then you got to either be a boss, or be a proud warrior.
11 And Solomon brought up the daughter of Pharaoh out of the city of David unto the house that he had built for her: for he said, My wife shall not dwell in the house of David king of Israel, because the places are holy, whereunto the ark of the LORD hath come.
Solomon married the daughter of Pharaoh and in his wisdom decided that she (who worshiped other gods) shouldn't live in the same town as the LORD's house.
2 Chronicles 9
1 And when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon, she came to prove Solomon with hard questions at Jerusalem, with a very great company, and camels that bare spices, and gold in abundance, and precious stones: and when she was come to Solomon, she communed with him of all that was in her heart.
She came with trick questions, but Solomon was able to answer them correctly.
"What do you mean, an African or European Swallow?"
9 And she gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold, and of spices great abundance, and precious stones: neither was there any such spice as the queen of Sheba gave king Solomon.
She was only gonna give him the goods if he knew her answers; why is it that people who are the richest get all the best gifts anyway?
10 And the servants also of Huram, and the servants of Solomon, which brought gold from Ophir, brought algum trees and precious stones.
Remember, no one knows where Ophir is; also, no one knows what kind of tree algum is. 2 Chronicles 9:10 contains references to two things that don't exist. It might as well say they brought him gold from Atlantis and unicorn trees.
13 Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred and threescore and six talents of gold;
Solomon's salary as king was 666 talents of gold.
20 And all the drinking vessels of king Solomon were of gold, and all the vessels of the house of the forest of Lebanon were of pure gold: none were of silver; it was not any thing accounted of in the days of Solomon.
When your plates are of gold; silver utensils are pretty worthless.
21 For the king's ships went to Tarshish with the servants of Huram: every three years once came the ships of Tarshish bringing gold, and silver, ivory, and apes, and peacocks.
Well why did the Tarshish ships waste the space bringing back silver; surely with that space they could have brought back more apes and peacocks.
23 And all the kings of the earth sought the presence of Solomon, to hear his wisdom, that God had put in his heart.
I'm not sure who you would compare him to in modern times. Is there anyone who all the world leaders flock to to hear his wisdom? President Bush?
24 And they brought every man his present, vessels of silver, and vessels of gold, and raiment, harness, and spices, horses, and mules, a rate year by year.
Solomon must've thought (but didn't say (because he was wise)) "great more worthless silver".
29 Now the rest of the acts of Solomon, first and last, are they not written in the book of Nathan the prophet, and in the prophecy of Ahijah the Shilonite, and in the visions of Iddo the seer against Jeroboam the son of Nebat?
We don't really know. The book of Nathan is missing; the book of Ahijah is missing; the book of Iddo is missing.
31 And Solomon slept with his fathers, and he was buried in the city of David his father: and Rehoboam his son reigned in his stead.
Well, they left out the part of him having lots of lady friends; and how they caused him to build temples to false gods. But that was a nice little summary of Solomon.
So what have we learned today?
1. Today's reading referenced at least 5 things that don't exist today.
2. Finding an algum tree would be like finding the holy grail.
3. Solomon was so wise that the ONLY example of his wisdom in action was the offer to cut up the baby, which wasn't even important enough to be retold in 2 Chronicles.
YIC
V
Today we get:
- The LORD's new covenant
- Solomon prospers
- Sheba arrives
2 Chronicles 7
1 Now when Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices; and the glory of the LORD filled the house.
The last time the fire from heaven came down was when Elijah was burning the soaked wood. Wait, nevermind; that hasn't happened yet.
2 And the priests could not enter into the house of the LORD, because the glory of the LORD had filled the LORD's house.
Didn't they already leave because God wasn't following the no-smoking policy in the temple?
3 And when all the children of Israel saw how the fire came down, and the glory of the LORD upon the house, they bowed themselves with their faces to the ground upon the pavement, and worshipped, and praised the LORD, saying, For he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.
If I see fire come down from heaven; my first thought wouldn't be that God is good and that His mercy endureth forever; my thought would be; God is friggin AWESOME!!! Take that atheist scum!
5 And king Solomon offered a sacrifice of twenty and two thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep: so the king and all the people dedicated the house of God.
22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. Remember yesterday, they couldn't count the sacrifices; today we have 142,000 dead animals. How many were killed at the opening of the temple? If they could keep track up to 120,000 how many more did they kill earlier?
7 Moreover Solomon hallowed the middle of the court that was before the house of the LORD: for there he offered burnt offerings, and the fat of the peace offerings, because the brasen altar which Solomon had made was not able to receive the burnt offerings, and the meat offerings, and the fat.
The temple is a slaughter house. A meat processing facility. And all of it kosher.
11 Thus Solomon finished the house of the LORD, and the king's house: and all that came into Solomon's heart to make in the house of the LORD, and in his own house, he prosperously effected.
So long as Solomon follows the LORD, he does great.
12 And the LORD appeared to Solomon by night, and said unto him, I have heard thy prayer, and have chosen this place to myself for an house of sacrifice.
God said if he makes it not rain, or sends pestilence, or turns away from the people; He'll go back if they remember him.
But if they don't return.
20 Then will I pluck them up by the roots out of my land which I have given them; and this house, which I have sanctified for my name, will I cast out of my sight, and will make it to be a proverb and a byword among all nations.
He'll make it that no one wants to be a jew.
22 And it shall be answered, Because they forsook the LORD God of their fathers, which brought them forth out of the land of Egypt, and laid hold on other gods, and worshipped them, and served them: therefore hath he brought all this evil upon them.
They brought it on themselves, but God is the bringer!
2 Chronicles 8
Solomon built some cities.
7 As for all the people that were left of the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, which were not of Israel,
8 But of their children, who were left after them in the land, whom the children of Israel consumed not, them did Solomon make to pay tribute until this day.
Solomon in all his wisdom made the prior inhabitants of the land pay for the privilege of living with them. He also made them the workers.
9 But of the children of Israel did Solomon make no servants for his work; but they were men of war, and chief of his captains, and captains of his chariots and horsemen.
If you weren't of a tribe of Israel; you were a worker bee. If you were of Israel, then you got to either be a boss, or be a proud warrior.
11 And Solomon brought up the daughter of Pharaoh out of the city of David unto the house that he had built for her: for he said, My wife shall not dwell in the house of David king of Israel, because the places are holy, whereunto the ark of the LORD hath come.
Solomon married the daughter of Pharaoh and in his wisdom decided that she (who worshiped other gods) shouldn't live in the same town as the LORD's house.
2 Chronicles 9
1 And when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon, she came to prove Solomon with hard questions at Jerusalem, with a very great company, and camels that bare spices, and gold in abundance, and precious stones: and when she was come to Solomon, she communed with him of all that was in her heart.
She came with trick questions, but Solomon was able to answer them correctly.
"What do you mean, an African or European Swallow?"
9 And she gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold, and of spices great abundance, and precious stones: neither was there any such spice as the queen of Sheba gave king Solomon.
She was only gonna give him the goods if he knew her answers; why is it that people who are the richest get all the best gifts anyway?
10 And the servants also of Huram, and the servants of Solomon, which brought gold from Ophir, brought algum trees and precious stones.
Remember, no one knows where Ophir is; also, no one knows what kind of tree algum is. 2 Chronicles 9:10 contains references to two things that don't exist. It might as well say they brought him gold from Atlantis and unicorn trees.
13 Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred and threescore and six talents of gold;
Solomon's salary as king was 666 talents of gold.
20 And all the drinking vessels of king Solomon were of gold, and all the vessels of the house of the forest of Lebanon were of pure gold: none were of silver; it was not any thing accounted of in the days of Solomon.
When your plates are of gold; silver utensils are pretty worthless.
21 For the king's ships went to Tarshish with the servants of Huram: every three years once came the ships of Tarshish bringing gold, and silver, ivory, and apes, and peacocks.
Well why did the Tarshish ships waste the space bringing back silver; surely with that space they could have brought back more apes and peacocks.
23 And all the kings of the earth sought the presence of Solomon, to hear his wisdom, that God had put in his heart.
I'm not sure who you would compare him to in modern times. Is there anyone who all the world leaders flock to to hear his wisdom? President Bush?
24 And they brought every man his present, vessels of silver, and vessels of gold, and raiment, harness, and spices, horses, and mules, a rate year by year.
Solomon must've thought (but didn't say (because he was wise)) "great more worthless silver".
29 Now the rest of the acts of Solomon, first and last, are they not written in the book of Nathan the prophet, and in the prophecy of Ahijah the Shilonite, and in the visions of Iddo the seer against Jeroboam the son of Nebat?
We don't really know. The book of Nathan is missing; the book of Ahijah is missing; the book of Iddo is missing.
31 And Solomon slept with his fathers, and he was buried in the city of David his father: and Rehoboam his son reigned in his stead.
Well, they left out the part of him having lots of lady friends; and how they caused him to build temples to false gods. But that was a nice little summary of Solomon.
So what have we learned today?
1. Today's reading referenced at least 5 things that don't exist today.
2. Finding an algum tree would be like finding the holy grail.
3. Solomon was so wise that the ONLY example of his wisdom in action was the offer to cut up the baby, which wasn't even important enough to be retold in 2 Chronicles.
YIC
V
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