Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

[Witch Hammer]

The Word© tells us in Genesis 3:16 that:

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee

We can deduce from this passage that if Eve hadn't stuffed her greedy pork-trap with forbidden fruit, and hadn't maliciously tricked Adam into doing the same, that she and all her female descendants would never have had to violently force squirming, squealing, yoghurt-caked life from their unwilling clefts. Amen?

It is also made obvious by the same passage that being vigorously plunged (Lord be with us) by her husband's rod wasn't necessarily as painful as it should have been before her descent from perfection...

So, what were the mechanics behind God's perfectly rational curse? Why now so much agony wrought upon the offending gash?

My theory is that before the fall Eve must have had a cavernous orifice the likes of which will never be seen again by mortal man...thankfully. This would have allowed children to simply crawl out easily when they were ripe, with no pain to the brood-queen.

Also, the Lord must have originally blessed Adam with a ludicrously small (relative to Eve's gaping maw) penis, so that she would feel no discomfort even during the seeding process. God is Good!

I believe that after the fall, God rapidly shrank Eve's mammoth snizz with a resounding "SNAPP!!", while engorging Adam's pathetically stunted (compared to Eve's inverted monstrosity) pud to titanic proportions. Both afflictions would immediately satisfy the conditions of God's curse of pain upon all womankind. Praise be unto Him!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

A good theory, Brother Hammer, but it has a flaw.
I knew a white man who had a coffee plantation in that depraved island of cannibals north of Austria called Papua & New Guinea. One day he was watching out for one of his savage female servants. He was concerned for her as she was heavily pregnant. Well, she was picking coffee one minute and gone the next. 5 mins later she reappeared with the piccaninny strapped to her back and resumed the coffee picking. She must have had a gaping cooter, yet she was descended from Ham.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

A good theory, Brother Hammer, but it has a flaw.
I knew a white man who had a coffee plantation in that depraved island of cannibals north of Austria called Papua & New Guinea. One day he was watching out for one of his savage female servants. He was concerned for her as she was heavily pregnant. Well, she was picking coffee one minute and gone the next. 5 mins later she reappeared with the piccaninny strapped to her back and resumed the coffee picking. She must have had a gaping cooter, yet she was descended from Ham.

Perhaps her cooter was mechanically gaped by her fornicatory/masturbatory endeavors? One can only pray that she suffered at least a little as she purged herself of the niglet...

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

Perhaps her cooter was mechanically gaped by her fornicatory/masturbatory endeavors? One can only pray that she suffered at least a little as she purged herself of the niglet...

Excellent point

Maybe she had a pouch like a kangaroo, and God ripped off her pouch. Kangaroo babies are born tiny and do most of their growing in the pouch, rather than in the belly.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

Excellent point

Maybe she had a pouch like a kangaroo, and God ripped off her pouch. Kangaroo babies are born tiny and do most of their growing in the pouch, rather than in the belly.

Very possibly...I believe that marsupial bushwomen are the abominable byproducts of matings between human sluts and demons as described in Genesis 6:1-4.



There were giants in the earth in those days, and also after that...

Could it be that the marsupial whores of your homeland inherited their vaginormous netherparts from their accursed Nephilim forefathers? I wonder...

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

I'm going to be sick.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Did Eve have a gigantic Cooter before her fall from Grace®?

Maybe this is why our dear Michelle Duggar can give birth to yet another child without breaking stride as a stay-at-home, traditional, non-working wife and mother who is busy on the road earning an income to support her family. Perhaps the closer she gets to God, the bigger her womb becomes, and the newest infant just plops right out. By now, Jim Bob must surely be rewarded for his devotion to God by the ease of his duty. Why, it would be as simple as throwing a hot dog down the Holland tunnel for him now.