Things that the Bible doesn't say

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Dear True Christian™ brothers and your silent, submissive womenfolk:

We on God's favorite discussion board love to share what God's Word says, but I'm here to tell you about something equally important. Have-a-nice-day liberal "Christians" whose only knowledge of Scripture consists of what they half-remember from Sunday school at some liberal compromise church love to go on about what they think the Bible says. It's time to set the record straight and to point out some things that the Bible doesn't say. Feel free to add to the list.

1. God helps those who help themselves.

This isn't from the Bible, but from that notorious sex fiend and Christ-hating de(vil)ist, Benjamin Franklin. Jesus said the opposite:

Matt. 6:31-33: Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

2. The sinner's prayer

Shockingly, even many almost-True Christians™ seem to think that you can say something called the "sinner's prayer" and be given a get-out-of-hell-free card. Not only is the wording of that alleged prayer not in the Bible, but neither is the concept. Instead, Scripture says:

Acts 2:38: Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Note what Peter didn't say: "Here's some cute little prayer that you can say, and you won't have to deal with that boring stuff about repenting, being baptized, or, fluffy bunny forbid, obeying God's Law."

3. The age of accountability

Touchy-feely liberal "Christians" cannot handle Biblical truth, so they've dreamed up something called the "age of accountability." Supposedly, children who die before that age — whatever it is, since not even they can agree on that — will automatically be saved, with no effort on their part. Then they must know more than Jesus, since He said the following:

John 3:18: He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

John 14:6: Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Besides, the doctrine of the age of accountability would lead to the following loopy result. If it were true, it would be a great mercy to kill all children below that age (once we figured out what it was), since they would immediately get reserved seating on the glory train. Does that sound Godly to you?

4. God wants to be fair to us.

Yet again, what liberal churchianity teaches and what the Bible teaches are 180° apart. God does not have to be fair; He may do as He pleases:

Romans 9:15-18: For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. So then [it is] not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy. For the scripture saith unto Pharaoh, Even for this same purpose have I raised thee up, that I might shew my power in thee, and that my name might be declared throughout all the earth. Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will [have mercy], and whom he will he hardeneth.

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

I'd like to add one more to this:

5. It's o.k. for men to have long hair, since Jesus did.

Absolutely NOT! Those portraits of Jesus looking like a rock star were concocted in the 60's by a bunch of atheist liberals. All True Christian men are to look like Marines; anything less is downright homer.

[Nobar King]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

This is great! I love list threads:

6. "Pull your pants up."

That would have been convenient.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

5. It's o.k. for men to have long hair, since Jesus did.

Nice one. There are unsaved trash who actually think that the Bible says that Jesus had long hair. I have to explain patiently to them that paintings done by Eurotrash Romanist sodomites during the Christ-hating "Renaissance" aren't the Bible; only the Bible is the Bible.

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

Acts 2:38: Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Another splendid sermon -- and how I marvel at your self-constraint: How could you possible have listed so many FALSE beliefs without mentioning the greatest ABOMINATION of them all, The Catholic Church?

I shall be less polite, and for my demonstration I have here an ancient woodcut of the so-called "seven sacraments":



"Seven sacraments". The Seven roads to HELL is more like it:

1) Paedobaptism. As St. Peter himself explained (and I quote Acts 2:38 from your sermon), we're required to 1) repent and then 2) be baptized.

1 and 2. How difficult can that be? If children/fetuses are too young to repent, they'll simply burn in Hell.


2. The Eucharist. Now get this: Lutherans and other Catholics actually eat a cookie and pretend it's the flesh of our Saviour Jesus Christ. How sick is that?


3. Confession. Sick, sick, sick. You're supposed to go inside a dark booth -- all alone with a pedophile offender wearing a black skirt. And then you must tell him all your secret desires in the darkness. Sick, sick, sick.


4. Confirmation. After a boy has been buggered by pedophile priests for a number of years, he's forced to say that it was OK that he was paedobaptized instead having gotten a REAL True Christian™ Baptism.


5. Marriage. Getting married is a fine way to avoid sinning but it's hardly a guarantee of salvation.

Only Landover's True Christian™ pastors can give such a guarantee.


6. Holy Orders. Kissing the Devil's (i.e. the Pope's) feet and donning a funny fish-hat. The fish-hat may be funny, but the Devil will have the last laugh.


7. Anointing of the Sick "Anointing". That's right. When you're on your death-bed, the Catholic Church will send over a known sex-offender in a black skirt to rub your body in oils and fragrances. Then when you arrive in Hell, your body is already marinated like a steak, ready for the grill. Satan must be licking his lips.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

God doesn't hate. It's a sin to hate.

Hippy-dippy, John-3:16-only "Christians" love to say this, but what does God say?

Psalm 5:5: The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.

Also, since when is it a sin to do as Jesus commands?

Luke 14:26: If any [man] come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

God doesn't hate. It's a sin to hate.

Hippy-dippy, John-3:16-only "Christians" love to say this, but what does God say?

God says He hates Esau:

Romans 9:13 As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.

I hope the lovey-dovey peace-and-sunshine smorgasbord Christians will notice that I quoted the NEW Testament (not that there is a difference, of course).

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

God doesn't send anyone to hell. We send ourselves to hell by disobeying Him.

Scripture not only doesn't say this, but indeed repeatedly says the opposite. God is more than a passive observer of sinners' damnation; He is, after all, God:

Mark 4:11-12: And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all [these] things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and [their] sins should be forgiven them.

Romans 1:24, 26, 28: Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves .... For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature .... And even as they did not like to retain God in [their] knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient ....

Romans 8:29-30: For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. (Obviously, not everyone is predestinated, called, justified, or glorified; otherwise, this passage would make no sense, particularly in the context of the Bible as a whole or the very idea of hell.)

2 Thess. 2:11-12: And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

Morover, if God does send some people to hell rather than let them go there themselves, what's it to you?

Romans 9:19-21: Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will? Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed [it], Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?

As Pastor PD has so sagely pointed out, this is the New Testament, which the touchy-feely-huggy-kissy liberal "Christians" seem to think is all kittens and lollipops.

[SUV]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

2. The Eucharist. Now get this: Lutherans and other Catholics actually eat a cookie and pretend it's the flesh of our Saviour Jesus Christ. How sick is that?

Not only sick, but also too sinfully lazy and cheap to Bake the entire loaf of Biblically-approved Dungbread

[H. Montague Worthington]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

There is absolutely NOTHING in the Bible that condones pedophilia, yet try to tell that to the Papists.... Their entire so-called "church" is based on nothing more than the bizarre and misplaced worship of Mary and continuous hot 'n nasty action with as many little children as possible.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

Jesus told us not to judge.

No, He didn't. Pastor Billy-Reuben has eloquently debunked that myth here.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

This is actually from a hymn by William Cowper, an Angler-can't beset by the demons of severe depression. According to the Bible, God's ways are mysterious only to those who hate Him:

Romans 1:19-21: Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed [it] unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, [even] his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified [him] not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

Here's one that definitely borders on blasphemy;

The bible says men are to respect their wives.

There are ministers who actually say this in church now; methodists mostly. I have yet to find ANY passage in the KJB that backs that silly claim up. I'd be very skeptical of any woman who say they read that in the Bible, since most of them can't read anyway.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

Here's one that definitely borders on blasphemy;

The bible says men are to respect their wives.

There are ministers who actually say this in church now; methodists mostly. I have yet to find ANY passage in the KJB that backs that silly claim up. I'd be very skeptical of any woman who say they read that in the Bible, since most of them can't read anyway.

Right. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25), i.e., as the Almighty loves those whom He has every right to cast into hell for not devoting their lives to flattering Him in just the right way. Christ is God, and there is no respect of persons with God (Romans 2:11). I trust that you see where I'm going with this.

[Patriarch Jon]

Re: Things that the Bible doesn't say

There is absolutely NOTHING in the Bible that condones pedophilia, yet try to tell that to the Papists.... Their entire so-called "church" is based on nothing more than the bizarre and misplaced worship of Mary and continuous hot 'n nasty action with as many little children as possible.

Amen... The RCC really screwed things up when they booted the eastern Christians (Byzantine, eastern Ortodox, Coptics, etc.) out of the church in 1054 or questioning papal infallibilty and not wanting priests to marry and have good Christian gfamilies.

Things went downhill from there... Who was the notorious pope when the East-West Schism occurred in 1054, Leo IX ? Then there was Gregory XI and a couple of other popes in 1376. With all the popes, anti-popes and whatever, the RCC has mucked up Christainaity to the point where we have all the diferent churches we see today.