Retard Stories

[Pastor Ezekiel]

This thread is dedicated to exposing the retard menace. As new stories come in, please post them here so that all True Christians(tm) can be safe.

Tard on the Subway
Here's a lovely story that happened to me on the subway. Reminds me of an autistic retard.

>at subway station
>turn corner in stairwell
>tard is crawling slowly up the stairs in animal mode
>It's just me and him
>Me: Uh... Do you... need some help?
>He stares at me
>drool trickles down his face
>I turn and keep walking
>his hand slips and he falls clean on his face
>MOOOOOOOOOOOO
>burst into laughter and run away

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

There is what adult retardeds act like.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

Retards Love Stretchy Things
This is a story that was related to me from a school teacher.

I generally keep my desk locked. There are many things in there that could hurt a tard, and trust me--the first thing a tard tries to get is the thing that will hurt them the most. Paperclips, rubber bands, pushpins, white out, glue, etc; these are all magnets for curious tard hands. It is for this reason that I try not to unlock my desk unless I absolutely have to.

Today I needed an envelope for a progress letter that I was sending to a parent. I foolishly forgot to re-lock the top drawer of my desk.

Angelo has had problems before with playing with things he shouldn't. He tends to get obsessed with things that stretch when you pull them. He once almost tore the skirt off of one of his classmates because of the way it stretched. Today, because I left my desk open, he managed to get to my rubber band box while I was preparing my first group to walk to PE class.

By the end of the day he started wimpering. I repeatedly asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn't say. He just gave me a teary eyed look and said that he didn't do anything wrong.

Finally as we were lining up to leave he pulls down his pants and starts screaming.

This doesn't surprise me, as it is more common than one might imagine in a tard class. I go to hike his pants back up and ask him what was wrong. It was then that I noticed he had wrapped a rubber band around his penis several times, and that it was starting to turn purple.

I was fucking floored. I walked him down to the nurse, where she removed
it and I called his mother to tell her what happened.

The next day I gave him a severe paddling. Thats about the only thing they understand.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

Comander Tard

This story was related to me by a boy in High School who has now joined my Nubile Young Men's Prayer Circle. He is a very firm, reliable young man.

I'm sitting in my final period class-- listening to the tard in my class babble on about nothing in particular and occasionally laugh that goofy tard laugh.

You have to understand: this is in rural Pennsylvania, a few miles outside of Gettysburg, so not only is the kid retarded, but he's a redneck military lunatic. He has this camoflauge backpack that he carries with him and talks to all the time (its name, apparently, is "Commander"-- I can't make this shit up).

Anyway, he had just come from P.E. class, and he smelled worse than usual. I mean, he usually smelled like a tard that never bathed and had just taken P.E., but-- shit, today it was really bad. One of the assholes in the class (a senior) looks at him and asks why he smells so bad.

"Not me," he says.

"Not you? Then what smells so bad?"

"Lieutenant."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yup."

At this, the tard proceeds to reach into his backpack and pull out a skinned squirrel. I'm not shitting you. The thing smells like it's been in his backpack for a couple of days at this point. So he pulls this thing out of his tardpack and then--AND THEN--he starts to fucking GNAW on the squirrel's head.

Christ, it was disgusting. By this point, girls have run screaming from the room, and at least one of the guys has puked. The "study hall supervisor" (also our P.E. instructor) comes back from the bathroom amid all the racket. He comes in and sees the tard chewing on something and decides to confront the tard about it (against the rules to have food, you know).

"Hey, whatcha got the--OH, SHIT." He immediately goes into deal-with-the-fucking-tard mode and soothingly coaxes the tard into removing the squirrel from his mouth.

The tard complies, then looks right in the supervisor's eyes and says, deadpan, "Commander doesn't like Lieutenant." I don't know what happened to him after that; he was transferred out of study hall and kept in the all-tard classes from then on.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

Retard Spikes Punch

This testimony was received from a boy in a suburb of Des Moines.

I had a birthday party that my mom threw for me and she of course sent out my invitations for me to invite all my friends from the small community. She apparently though the Tard down the street Roger was one of my friends or something because it got an invitation too.

Anyways it was early in the party and we were outback jumpin on a trampoline while my mom was busying herself with preparing things. A few people had already arrived when Rog (Half the time he'd only respond to Rog, only adults could call him Roger) showed up at the door with its present in hand. No one answered the door and it let itself in. We didn't even know that it was in the house when it apparently heard the call of nature. It wasn't familiar with our house or something and couldnt find a bathroom within sight of the front door(i know its hard with these inventions called hallways) and seated itself above a punchbowl that was on the table next to the door, entirely removed its pants, and began to take a nasty tard shit, right into the punch bowl.

Just as it was mid-turtlehead pokin out several other guests arrived, and walked in to find this greasy, rib-thin retard with the happiest look on its face makin a boom-boom in my Kool-aid. At the shock of being walked in on it grabbed its gift for the part and ran out the door, without its pants, and down the street back to its house. Its mom made it apologize but we still had to clean it up.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

One of the members of my Nubile Young Men's Prayer Circle shared this story with us recently.

In elementary school, there was this tard named Justin or something stupid like that. It was really smelly, but so damn gullible. I in particular liked to fuck with it. I managed to convince it that it'd float into space if he didn't put rocks in its pocket. I remember just laughing my ass off as it frantically shoved gravel and sand into its pockets.

Another time some friends and I managed to convince it if he ate a caterpillar, it'd get super speed. You know how a tard runs, clumpy and slow with their arms out like they're trying to fly? That's what it was doing, while we were all cheering and acting amazed and impressed with its 'super powers'.

The last major time I messed with it was when I noticed a big rock sticking partially out of the ground. I got Justin and managed to convince it that it was a dinosaur bone. It got all the other tards to help him dig it up. This went on for about a week or so before the teacher decided to come investigate the quiet congregation of tards. She talked to Justin, saying they couldn't play in the dirt. It threw its plastic spoon it had been digging with and threw a loud tantrum. Stomping, screaming, and throwing stuff while its tard friends blankly stared. The teachers had to drag it inside. After that it's parents kept it locked up in their basement.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

Look at this jap retarded falling down an elevator.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Retard Stories

This is a jap wannabe retarded. They are the most dangerous kind.