Gods Cleansing and Easter

[James Hutchins]

During a teleconference today, the Church Elders have decried that no bunnies are to be allowed in Landover. Being no one can be assured where they have been or if they have been touched by a non-True Christian™, we have decided to eliminate this threat to our purity.
All Silver Tithers® and above will be provided with a supply of Tyvek bags and carrots to be used for capturing the menaces. Platinum and Iriium Tithers®, simply call the Church office as usual for suspected problems to 'be resolved' for you as part of you HOA package.
Those that capture the beasts will be asked to bring them down to Toms Meat Grinders over on the south side where they will be processed into hot dogs for sale in Des Moines, the funds to go for the purchase of a new Cross to hang Jesus on being the previous one caught fire.

As an side note, remember, anyone see within ten feet of the comfort zone around the gates of LBC can legally be considered a lethal threat (possible zombie) and using any force possible is authorized to ensure the safety and well being of The Church.

TP is available in all Church facilities at ten sheets for $3.00, free of course for upper level members.

[upchucker67]

Re: Gods Cleansing and Easter

I'm pleased that the good folks at Landover hate rabbits as much as I. I would like to pitch my two cents towards this bunny hunt. Understandably, I'm not anywhere close to church premises, and even if I was, wouldn't be allowed, but I have a left over cache of anti-freeze to place your carrots with. Works like a charm when those furry rascals invade my lawn. Just tell me where I can ship it for you. - Phil

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Gods Cleansing and Easter

During a teleconference today, the Church Elders have decried that no bunnies are to be allowed in Landover.

I'm sorry to bring this up but this year it may be necessary. "Bunnies" can be misinterpreted by certain types as referring to live (actual) rabbits only. They already have the costumes and will jump at any opportunity to promote sin. There are two distinct looks, the for her..[LEFT] and the for him..[RIGHT]. Can you reassure me that such garments will be covered by the bunny ban this Easter?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Gods Cleansing and Easter

Thank you, Brother James, for helping to end these Pagan practices that have found their way into our faith at Easter time. Rabbits, eggs and fashion parades detract from the sin Jesus promised to forgive. As you say, it's time to clean up Easter. This is the year fire hoses are going to wash away the Pagan rabbit droppings.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Gods Cleansing and Easter

When I told someone the other day that "rabbits" don't lay "eggs" I was informed they weren't eggs. I was concerned that hopping rabbits hardly seemed an appropriate way to commemorate Christ's Savage Death and voiced my doubts – especially after the chocolate owls I received last year. Honestly, what has this got to do with Jesus? It sounds more like Enid Blyton's fictional universe, a nightmare world if ever there was one.

From the words alone you might think, "Well, it's only a story." The picture reveals a demonic influence at work where wizards are normal and incantations the way to get things done. Is that what The Bible teaches? I don't think so!

Secular influence has undergone function creep. By associating decorative eggs with Easter they are associated with Jesus and from there it's a small step to identify Jesus as some sort of wizard. "He died to set you free," I said. "He has nothing to do with pixies, fairies, elves or Woffles."

There are all sorts of chocolate animals going around at this time of the year, something for everyone. White and brown, filled with marzipan or minced hazelnuts or that raspberry liqueur (which is actually quite nice in a trifle) just so long as no-one thinks about the punishment they were born deserving and the sacrifice made by God because He loves us. I was utterly revolted when this abomination came to my attention:

Chocolate road-kill. It starts off with an enchanted wood, whispering trees and pixies. Next we got a dreadful "school" for witches where they learned spells and no doubt curses for invisibility, where to find demons and how to worship idols, all dressed up as harmless fiction when obviously it isn't. Jesus is not a wizard. He never performed spells or did enchantments and is not a made-up jigsaw monster like the Snoogle. He has no association with chocolate anything and He is definitely not road-kill.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Gods Cleansing and Easter

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Chocolate road-kill. It starts off with an enchanted wood, whispering trees and pixies. Next we got a dreadful "school" for witches where they learned spells and no doubt curses for invisibility, where to find demons and how to worship idols, all dressed up as harmless fiction when obviously it isn't. Jesus is not a wizard. He never performed spells or did enchantments and is not a made-up jigsaw monster like the Snoogle. He has no association with chocolate anything and He is definitely not road-kill.

Excellent points, Sister.


Some weeks past, I espied a small car near a large local park with five strangely dressed individuals in it who were just parking their car. It had a Save the Baby Goats bumper sticker that I assume was to voice opposition to cabrito, which is a local delicacy made with said baby goats.


As the five got out of their car, I saw that they were the type of people you would usually only see at a computer repair shop or possibly at a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and they were all wearing cardboard armor and carrying plastic broadswords. Each had a foil helmet with a long and colorful plume.


I rarely attempt to understand the motivations of sinners or even what they are doing, no matter how bizarre, so I went on my way and didn't give the matter any further thought until just now.


Could they have been the witches or wizards you expose in this post?

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Gods Cleansing and Easter

The point of the stories is to present characters as though they were normal. Witches are shown to be "more in touch" with what, exactly, not being specified. Later on, outside of the imaginary story world, role playing opportunities are made available where pretending to be a witch or a wizard or a made-up hybrid character such as the snoogle seems innocent enough — but only for someone softened up by reading the stories. They may still think warlocks and spells aren't real. Be sure that someone aware of The Truth and in cahoots with the adversary will be watching.

I Peter 5:8

In order to move across from a story book to dressing up like an idiot and pretending to be The Great Magister is rather like getting a toy microphone and pretending to sing, or maybe a toy car and pretending to drive. Before long you'll come across an actual microphone on a stage somewhere or an old car you can sit in. The people you saw have probably reached that phase, still doing pretend magic but in an environment where actual diabolism exists too. It's then an easy transition.

In the same way, having sang into a hairbrush (or toy microphone) then messed around on an empty stage somewhere makes it so much easier to meet someone who works in that environment and the next thing you're channelling flapper girls — or filling in for a getaway driver who accidentally shot himself. It's the same for necromancy, divination, trance mediums, witchdoctoring, casting hexes and killing birds in flight with psychic energy. Demons are at work in every case, even during the "innocuous" phase.

Were there any funny smells?