Required Reading List On Wicca for Christians

**JennyD** · 04-10-2009, 06:01 AM

Re: Required Reading List On Wicca

I think that this highly accurate article is worth quoting in full, lest vandals destroy it.

Wicca is the shi**iest subset of the pagan expression of religion. It is favored by people too fuc**arded to learn the rules of a real religion and too poor to join any other cult.

Wicca has only one rule: An it harm none, do what ye will, which makes Wicca as pu**y as it is stupid. Today most Wiccans will claim to be in it for the self-expression and becoming more in touch with the world. Those are lies.

They really want to do it for the lulz and so they can control the weather (Note: Wicca can not do these). This makes wiccans witches. Wiccans call themselves witches as a badge of honor along with saying "Oh Goddess!" whenever possible. If you see a profile with something like "proud to be a witch", 98.4% of the time it's a Wiccan.
Wiccans are divided into little gangs called "covens", usually with contrived and melodramatic names like The Silver Moon Circle, the Black Pentacle or The Craven and the Hoes. (No, srsly.)

Wiccans will tell you that most of their religion comes from a "Book of Shadows" that only the innermost circle of Wiccans are allowed to read. Like the Xenu story, this is probably because its contents are so dumb that you can only be given it when you absolutely have to believe it. Its name is no doubt an attempt to sound Satanic, but in reality sounds like something pulled from a low-quality fantasy fiction show on the Scifi channel.

Wicca is really just dumbed-down Satanism.
Wiccans will try to convince you that their religion has nothing to do with Satanism
Wiccans will tell you that their religion is over 9000 years old. In reality, it was invented by a Britfag in the 50's. Srsly.
Wicca is as phony as Scientology, but at least they (usually) wont piffle you out of your money.
Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half the things they do is pulled out of the Coven leader's ass.
The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from Medieval Catholic documents on witches, Harry Potter, Disney films, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dancing with the stars episodes.
When confronted with that fact, Wiccans will scream "NO U" and then proceed to scream about how Christians stole everything from them - such as the date of Christ's birth and the custom of baptism - even though JC wasn't born on Dec. the 21th and Jews would rather shove red hot swords up their dicks than be covered in animal guts.
Most Wiccans are 16 year old girls, gay, fat, ugly and have a stupid MSN name.
Wiccan covens are full of drunks, pot smokers, and the few guys that sign up do so only to ogle naked bodies.
Wicca is the official religion of Feminism, since women are too stupid to be given any power by a real religion.
Wicca is believed to spread furrism and in Otherkinism as a sort of gateway drug of faggotry.
Wiccans will often refer to the Salem witch trials as the 'burning times', in order to make them seem persecuted like Jews (even though none of the victims at Salem were actually witches). That being said you'd piffle a Jew up the nose before piffleing one of those fat whales.
Since Wicca does not require any special tools, ordained priests, or even a building to worship in, it is the ideal cult for lazy poor people, even though Wiccans are still encouraged to buy loads of worthless plastic crap from occult shops.
A Wiccan male's favorite tool is his knife, used to cut delicious cake; send psychic energy through; buttsecks pets with.
Wiccans will often tell you they come from a six or more generations of Wiccans, though only Trailer Trash reproduce fast enough to have done that in the last 60 years.
If the above isn't the case, then a Wiccan will claim to have been reincarnated several times over. Their power ofc goes with them making them uber powerful.
Wiccans will often call themselves Gypsys, even though Gypsies are a race of smelly Indians that steal and lie more than niggers and have nothing in common with Wicca or its supposed origins.
Witch is a euphemism for Extremely Flammable Woman
If you claim you are Satan they will probably piffle you 9 times out of 10, but who'd want to piffle a fatty covered in shitty makeup?

Since so many Wiccans are gay men or very lonely girls, much of Wicca centers around worshiping of the penis. Wiccans like to draw little phallic symbols on all their ritual items and pretend it makes them powerful. Wiccans worship a "Goddess" and a "Horned God", clearly Satan and his Whore of Babylon. In fact, most of Wicca is designed to convince other religions that Wicca is satanism, without actually coming out and saying it. For example, Wicca uses the number 13 for their covens because it is considered unlucky by Christians, they use the "pentagram", rather than the dozens of other symbols used by actual pagans, because satanists also use it. They use brooms, cauldrons, candles and wands, and celebrate Halloween as their main holiday, because they want people to think they are 'real' witches. They wear black almost universally, while real pagans wore white. They are much like Catholicism in that a large part of their faith involves coercing small boys into having sex with their priests. Wicca is usually Matriarchal, while real pagans were led by male druids. Everything about Wicca is designed specifically to scare conservative Christians. This makes Wicca more of a trolling technique than a real religion. Unfortunately, many people who cannot tell the difference take it as one anyways.

Since satanists don't have any real ceremonies, and the pagans didn't write anything about their beliefs down, a lot of Wiccan rituals are basically ripoffs of Christianity (though pointing this out will make most witch feminazis rather butthurt. One interesting ceremony involves sitting in the frozen food section of the supermarket (it's the closest to Norway they can get) cutting themselves and listening to Cradle of Filth.

Wicca marriage is called 'Handfasting', and is essentially holding hands with their lesbian partner while some fat girl in a black robe declares them "married", and gives them rings. They also have a ritual called 'Wiccaning', which is exactly like 'Christening', in which a newborn child is named. Creative.

a typical 16-year old wiccan on myspace (asking for it)
You've got a Wiccan!

YOU HAVE A WICCAN!!11!!one

Signs that you may have a Wiccan

Guys will have long black (obviously dyed) hair of any length as long as it's past the shoulders.
Girls will have hair dyed a variety of colors, usually red or pink, trying to be like their favorite anime character.
Black clothing bought from Hot Topic
A Myspace with black backgrounds and red borders with the Pagan sign somewhere visible
Metal music plays in the background of their Myspace
Along with being a Wiccan they concern themselves to be Goth
Piercings cover the body, enabling them to be "hot" to other Wiccans, a ritual in itself. The moar piercings you have, the more secks you claim to have.
Burns candles all day/night and surrounds themselves with rocks so they feel more in tune with nature.
Tattoos may be substituted for piercings.
Commonly overused expressions of the anime textual kind. >.>; XD n.n ^-^
Despite the above fact (that they use anime expressions for happiness and playfulness) they will argue that their personalities are of the dark and angsty kind, having gone through so many hardships of being a Wiccan.

If any of the above signs are exhibited then YOU HAVE A WICCAN!!!!!!1
The many uses of witches

Not to be confused with bitch.
See also

Required Reading List On Wicca for Christians

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