Un-mentionables!!

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Hello again Friends and Brethren !

It has been a tough week here at the Glasscock County Jail.
I was having a problem with my undergarments. It was a big problem cause they were coming up missing.

Mary Ann/Rodrigo {who I am forced to shared this cell with} usually washes my Baptist Boxers in the jail-cell sink (no seed-pinching pagan briefs for my boys!).
I pay 4 cigarettes a weak to get my sox and undies un-soiled, and Mary Ann/Rodrigo loves to sing and tap her (its'?) feet and listen to the radio while washing; so it is a pleasant wash day.

Last week, Mary Ann/Rodrigo was on temporary work-release, and thus I had to send my precious unmentionables to the jail-house laundry. Most of them did not come back. My best Calvins' had been pilfered So, I sent Sister Verna out to get me some new ones.
She took what was left in the tithe box and went down to the Piggly Wiggly Second Hand Thrift shop on 3rd Street. It was there that a fortuitous event occurred. While sifting through the used garments Sister Verna unearthed a pair of truly unique objects. She couldn't wait to bring them to me. I got them last visiting day. As I unwrapped the bundle, Mary Ann/Rodrigo gasp in amazement. Well, in the bundle was a pair of genuine male Mormon Underwear. Yep 100% real ! AND they fit me perfect.

Mary Ann/R. says that the Mormon undies have special powers. Mary Ann/R. was born in Utah, and was called a 'lost boy of the LDS'. He (it?) says the undies are bullet proof and knife resistant (a real blessing here at Glasscock County detention, cause these incarcerated vermin sharpen-up toothbrushes into “shivs”!!). I think that Mormon undies work a lot like Supermans' underwear, and maybe have powers like Spiderman too. Maybe they even have a utility belt like Batman has (I will send Sister Verna out to look for it).

I am sooooo, excited!!

Oh …. Glory Be!... This Baptist man has usurped the secret Power of the phonie-mormonie heretics and will use such to advance the righteous cause... to bring forth the Power and Word as prescribed by our 1611 KJV..... to emanate the new found strength around my groinal area to advance our Holy Ministries.... to …....

Well, that's what I need your Forum Folks help with.

So, besides protecting me from homo-advances, what other deeds of LBC righteous nature do you folks think I should perform with these heretical (but comfy) undies on?

Can I fly with them on? Will they sap my True Christian strength if I wear them all the time? Do I need the blood of a Mormon to re-charge them?

If any of you kind folk have chased a demon from a Mormon, and maybe all that was left behind was the undies, well..... what suggestions do y'all have for my new found blessing ~~ based on y'alls knowledge of this heretical groinal armor?

Blessing to you and yours from;
Hon. Rev. Jeffrey Lebowski
And (of course, by proxy) Sister Verna too!

PS: a special thanks to those of this Forum who sent me the cigarettes, and a special super thanks to the Sisters here that sent those wonderful summertime swimsuit photos of yourselves. Keep the photos coming! They have made many of the boys here very happy, and made me quite blessed in candy bars!

[Bob4God]

Re: Un-mentionables!!

Are you insane!? Mormon underwear is demonic and designed to lure you straight to hell in a pact with satan!

Read about the dangers HERE!

I will pray for you!

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: Un-mentionables!!

Brother Bob4God:

No, Brother, not yet insane.... but fully incarcerated.

You were so right! I should have ask y'all first before I even got ideas of grandiose delusions about them undies.

Why, why , WHY didn't I seek my answers first from the LBC ?
Your helpful (and inspired) link explained the trap that them bicycle-riding Mormons were laying for the unsuspecting righteous.

Brother: They were demonic , they did lure me.
When I put them undies on I felt the surge of masculinity throb through my loins. I envisioned myself impressing the females of my Flock with my powerfully encased "package"..... I dreamed that Sisters Twilla and RayLean were swooning at the site of the well-stitched outline of my musculature. I saw the homos and father-rapers here shudder at my immunity from there sordid advances ..... I felt that the undies would shroud me from getting stuck in the arse by the ever present 'shivs' that these felons carry.

Now, in the light of y'alls' wisdom: I heartily repent. Oh, do I repent.
Pride did cometh before the fall.
All I got from wearing those undies was a bad case of public lice. Those little vermin are a Mormon plague around my privates. Maybe I should have washed the undies first, but I was thinking that the power would maybe get rinsed out with the laundry detergent. Vanity and foolishness led me not to soak them in Clorox before I wore them, and now I scratch and suffer.

I have encase those vile undergarments in a Tupperware box, and froze them in the cafeteria meat locker. Maybe the day will come when LBC Creation Scientist will discover a cure for the demons the Mormons put in the fabric.

Well, thanks to you for the prayers Brother!!!
They worked and brought me to my senses!
{ps: the only good that has come from this debacle is that the homos and father-rapers keep away from me, they fear the Mormon public lice ..... bad thing is that so does Sister Verna...and thus no conjugals}

Repenting, Oh, am I repenting,
Rev. Jeffery Lebowski
{Sister Verna is at Walmart buying Bug-Be-Gone}

[Flat Lander]

Re: Un-mentionables!!

I found this interesting account on the Internet of the so-called Moronic Magic Underwear you describe:

In the Latter Day Saint movement much has been said about our so-called “Magic Underwear.” All sorts of truly Moronic stories circulate widely on the Internet, in Fast and Testimony Meetings, in Sacrament Meeting talks, etc. about how this magic underwear has protected people who were in fires, plane crashes, bad marriages and other disasters.
Unfortunately, none of these stories ever provide enough detail to verify the facts of the alleged miracle in question. Here we post several VERIFIABLE accounts of the protection provided by Moronic Magic Underwear.
The Miraculous Story of Brother Vargan

Brother Jim Vargan of 15542 N. Elm Street, Apt. 2C, Salt Lake City (phone number provided upon request), faithfully wore his Moronic Magic Underwear both day and night since receiving his Washing and Anointing more than 30 years ago in the Provo Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Brother Vargan was in a tragic industrial accident at his workplace in March of this year, but luckily for Brother Vargan, he was wearing his Moronic Magic Underwear. In the accident, both of Brother Vargan’s legs were amputated at the knee and both arms amputated at the elbow, and he was decapitated. Sister Lisa Vargan, speaking at her husband’s funeral a few days later reported that the portions of Brother Vargan’s body covered by his Moronic Magic Underwear were undamaged.
The Miraculous Story of Bishop Roger Lewis & Sister Fern Nishbucket

Bishop Roger Lewis of 7119 Centennial Way, Orem, UT and Sister Fern Nishbucket of 7208 Centennial Way, Orem, UT have both faithfully worn their Moronic Magic Underwear for more than 25 years, both night and day. They were shacking up together at a cheap motel near Lake Tahoe (Lewis having told his wife he was in Phoenix on business and Nishbucket having told her husband she was in St. George visiting her sister) when their miracle happened. Despite having been warned that they must shower before getting in the motel’s pool the couple would repeatedly have steamy, sweaty sex, then go jump naked in the motel pool to cool off. This pushed motel manager Dave Swarengen past the breaking point, and the third time he caught them doing this, he got his gun and shot them both in the head several times, killing them instantly.
Stake President Arthur Clancy of 5302 Parkwest Avenue, Orem, UT, spoke at the joint funeral held for the two, and noted that although motel manager Swarengen is a notoriously bad shot with a handgun, all of the bullets went into the heads of the Bishop and Ward Librarian, and did not defile the portion of their bodies normally covered by their Moronic Magic Underwear. “So great,” said the Stake President, “is the power of Moronic Magic Underwear, that because they had so faithfully worn it for 25 years, their Moronic Magic Underwear protected the bodies of these two fine people, even when they were naked.”
The Tragedy of Daniel Betancourt

As a counterpoint to the miraculous stories above, Stake President Clancy shares the following story, also from his stake.
“Daniel Betancourt, of 6613 E. Canada Ave., Orem, UT, had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for 24 years and 11 months, both night and day. One night in January of this year he removed all of his clothing, including his Moronic Magic Underwear, and took a shower. Unbeknownst to him, a psychotic killer escaped from custody while being transported through Betancourt’s neighborhood. The psychotic killer broke into Betancourt’s home, grabbed two large kitchen knives and stabbed Brother Betancourt more than 150 times in the chest, back, groin and buttocks, killing him. Every single stab wound was to an area where his Moronic Magic Underwear would have protected him, if only he hadn’t taken it off to shower. Alternatively, if he had faithfully worn his Moronic Magic Underwear for a full 25 years, like Bishop Lewis and Sister Nishbucket, instead of just 24 years and 11 months, I’m sure he would have been saved even though naked. It’s a lesson for all of us.”