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  • Brother Larry
    True Christian™
    Forum Member
    • Aug 2013
    • 234
    #1

    Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

    While returning from getting an oil change today (from a Christian mechanic), I saw a group of white-shirted young men carrying Books of Mormon less than ten blocks from my home. Two were on bicycles and three were walking. Another was stocking a small backpack with some sort of pamphlets from a van parked near where the others plotted their next attack.

    Naturally, I was filled with righteous anger and rolled down my window, telling them to leave in the name of Jesus. I think one of the scrawny freaks urinated at the sound of my authoritative rebuke. As I pulled away, I saw them, undaunted, walking in pairs to different homes. I have prayed for a band of angels to strike them down should they attempt to come to my home.

    Thus far, it seems to be working. Not a single "Ding dong, satan calling," at my door. Is there any advice from the pastors or True Christian laity that might assist me in ridding my town of this scourge? There isn't a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints near me, and I want to ensure it stays that way.

    In Him,
    Brother Larry
    Tags: None
    • Attila's Wife
      True Christian™
      True Christian™
      • Jul 2013
      • 1941
      #2
      Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

      Brother Larry, I feel your pain. I wonder what your village has done to deserve a plague of 5 of them - I can only assume that God is testing you.

      We suffer from Mermen in the small Italian city where I live (pop. 35,000, but ancient and dying off at an impressive rate, Praise The Lord!), but at least they only travel in pairs here. Every 6 months or so, a new pair arrives. Here's how I deal with them:

      - Because they are in Italy, they expect people to speak to them in Eyetalian. I speak to them in English. This confuses them (maybe they don't understand my British accent?) and they panic.

      - I ask them why they all have the same first name, "Anziano", which is Italian for "Elder", whether this is a Neapolitan name and can they recommend a good pizza place.

      - Finally, they are not allowed to have their own computers and so rely on the only internet cafe in town. I have befriended the owners and persuaded them to block access to all LDS sites, as well as to other sites they might be interested in (such as alternative-underpants.com).

      I'm sure you can think of appropriate local ways to discourage them and send them running home in tears.

      Good luck, Brother:

      AW
      2 Timothy 3:16

      All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:


        Comment

        • Jack Rankan
          Forum Member
          Forum Member
          • Oct 2013
          • 144
          #3
          Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

          Zechariah 13:3 And it shall come to pass, that when any shall yet prophesy, then his father and his mother that begat him shall say unto him, Thou shalt not live; for thou speakest lies in the name of the Lord: and his father and his mother that begat him shall thrust him through when he prophesieth.

          You know what you have to do.
          1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
          Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
          Ephesians 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

            Comment

            • Mary Etheldreda
              Gushing for Jesus
               
              • Sep 2011
              • 23775
              #4
              Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

              Originally posted by Jack Rankan View Post
              Zechariah 13:3 And it shall come to pass, that when any shall yet prophesy, then his father and his mother that begat him shall say unto him, Thou shalt not live; for thou speakest lies in the name of the Lord: and his father and his mother that begat him shall thrust him through when he prophesieth.

              You know what you have to do.
              Pray for them?

              Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                Comment

                • Jack Rankan
                  Forum Member
                  Forum Member
                  • Oct 2013
                  • 144
                  #5
                  Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

                  Pray? No. 2 Peter 2:1 Is clear about what one has to do - But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
                  1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
                  Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
                  Ephesians 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

                    Comment

                    • Mary Etheldreda
                      Gushing for Jesus
                       
                      • Sep 2011
                      • 23775
                      #6
                      Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

                      Originally posted by Jack Rankan View Post
                      Pray? No. 2 Peter 2:1 Is clear about what one has to do - But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
                      We live in the United States, dear, not the Godless Soviet Union. Around here we follow the Holy Bible even when it conflicts with reason, including obedience to local governments (Romans 13:1-3). Murder of Mormons is illegal here, although there has been no precedence set with regard to how vivaciously one ought to try and convert the heathen.

                      Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                        Comment

                        • Jack Rankan
                          Forum Member
                          Forum Member
                          • Oct 2013
                          • 144
                          #7
                          Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

                          Sad really, then... The word of man in todays world means more than a word of God? Atheists and those dirty secularists have come this far

                          Where the humanity went wrong...
                          1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
                          Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
                          Ephesians 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

                            Comment

                            • Mary Etheldreda
                              Gushing for Jesus
                               
                              • Sep 2011
                              • 23775
                              #8
                              Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

                              Originally posted by Jack Rankan View Post
                              Sad really, then... The word of man in todays world means more than a word of God?
                              Oh I like your passion for ! But alas, the Word of God is what compels us to be patient. When the honorable and charitable Donald Trump becomes president and we have a True Christian™ in the White House again, I have faith that God's Word will once again be incorporated into Law.

                              Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                                Comment

                                • Didymus Much
                                  Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
                                  • Jun 2010
                                  • 14076
                                  #9
                                  Re: Mormon Missionaries in my Halcyon Village

                                  Originally posted by Jack Rankan View Post
                                  ...Where the humanity went wrong...
                                  According to the Bible, that'd be in the Garden of Eden, where God put Adam and Eve, and the serpent to tempt them, and the Tree of Knowledge with the fruit to cause their downfall. If God had (in His omnipotence and omniscience [so He well knew what was going to happen]) not put one of these ingredients there, everything would still be fine and dandy.

                                  So it's all our fault (atheists, I mean, even though God hadn't created us yet).

                                    Comment

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