As a parent, how would you handle this?

[Brother Lazarus]

Seems that in Florida, passing gas can get you into serious trouble.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/190705

(LAKELAND, Fla.) An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas...A 13-year-old student at a Stuart school was arrested in November after authorities said he broke wind in class.

As a Christian parent, how would you handle this situation?

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Larry Lee]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Brother, I must say I'm practically floored by your question and apparent ignorance.

It used to be that the Lord's guidance on farting was routinely taught to middle-schoolers in Sunday School. But it seems like we're slacking off in these promiscuous times.

Our Lord God directs us to overcome a fart's unpleasant odor by delighting those around us with a lovely tune. Indeed, that's His own practice, as He shares with us in Isaiah 16:11:

"Wherefore My bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab."

I guarantee, if your farts sound like "an harp for Moab" or even like a brief passage from Buxtehude, no one will care what they smell like.

Having said that, the boy in question obviously deserved his punishment, since he didn't even try to modulate his aperture to produce agreeable music.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Brother, I must say I'm practically floored by your question and apparent ignorance.

It used to be that the Lord's guidance on farting was routinely taught to middle-schoolers in Sunday School. But it seems like we're slacking off in these promiscuous times.

Our Lord God directs us to overcome a fart's unpleasant odor by delighting those around us with a lovely tune. Indeed, that's His own practice, as He shares with us in Isaiah 16:11:

"Wherefore My bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab."

I guarantee, if your farts sound like "an harp for Moab" or even like a brief passage from Buxtehude, no one will care what they smell like.

Having said that, the boy in question obviously deserved his punishment, since he didn't even try to modulate his aperture to produce agreeable music.

Thank you Brother Lee. I hadn't considered the musical aspects.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Max Bayes]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Do not fear, brother. I have an idea to make you at ease with your child's wind. Although I cannot find evidence to support my hypothesis in the Holy KJV, and is therefore just a mere mortal's speculation on the subject, hear me out. For as God made man, he clearly intended man to fart. It is a mere bi-product of his grand design; the intentinal tract. However, I feel that it could be more than this. I feel that the passing of wind is meant to be a joke. If anything, it is the joke. It is the comedy trump card, the humourists final flourish, the farceur's alpha and omega. As if The Lord had all the jokes in Time and Space to choose from, and he chose this one as his. His gift, to us, to bring us laughter at even the most awkward of situation.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Do not fear, brother. I have an idea to make you at ease with your child's wind. Although I cannot find evidence to support my hypothesis in the Holy KJV, and is therefore just a mere mortal's speculation on the subject, hear me out. For as God made man, he clearly intended man to fart. It is a mere bi-product of his grand design; the intentinal tract. However, I feel that it could be more than this. I feel that the passing of wind is meant to be a joke. If anything, it is the joke. It is the comedy trump card, the humourists final flourish, the farceur's alpha and omega. As if The Lord had all the jokes in Time and Space to choose from, and he chose this one as his. His gift, to us, to bring us laughter at even the most awkward of situation.

Brother Gregg, I agree with your well thought out view, but when farting is criminalized, good Christian parents are presented with a dilemma. One of the Florida children in question was actually arrested for farting in class.

How as parents are we to both rebuke a child for violating secular law, but support the need to fart, and even make music, as God clearly intended? I know we are commanded to obey secular law, but when the situation becomes explosive in a very real way, what should we instruct our children to do? Should we refrain from feeding our children foods that may result in the production of methane gas?

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Larry Lee]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Do not fear, brother. I have an idea to make you at ease with your child's wind. Although I cannot find evidence to support my hypothesis in the Holy KJV, and is therefore just a mere mortal's speculation on the subject, hear me out. For as God made man, he clearly intended man to fart. It is a mere bi-product of his grand design; the intentinal tract. However, I feel that it could be more than this. I feel that the passing of wind is meant to be a joke. If anything, it is the joke. It is the comedy trump card, the humourists final flourish, the farceur's alpha and omega. As if The Lord had all the jokes in Time and Space to choose from, and he chose this one as his. His gift, to us, to bring us laughter at even the most awkward of situation.

Well, your suggestion isn't exactly Biblical, but I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the faceur who can pass among us without straining at it. I wonder what the other Pastors think of your humble post?

[Max Bayes]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Brother, the Laws of Man often do not meet the Glory of God. Take for example the teaching of Evolution in schools here in the UK. It is a heresy against God! Within the Laws of Man, the best any Christian can do to oppose such villainy is to suggest the wishy washy "Intelligent Design", whilst the unbeliever continues to mock us with talk of a Flying Spaghetti Monster! We must spurn these mocking laws, and take heed from the bible, and burn down any science departments in all schools worldwide!

Exodus 12:10
And ye shall let nothing of it remain until the morning; and that which remaineth of it until the morning ye shall burn with fire.

Oh, and we should spurn that silly law about farting too.

[Larry Lee]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

here in the UK.

Oh. the UK.

Your posts are so annointed of the Lord, I naturally assumed you were American... I hesitate to ask, but are you a darkie? or Scots?

[Max Bayes]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Alas, yes. I am from the Dark shores of the United Kingdom. But God's Grace has at least delivered me from a dodgy accent or even dodgier skin colour. I have applied for my Godly Green Card. With His Blessing, I shall soon be amongst my true brothers in the United States of America. Some see my birth in this heretic land as some predetermined fall from grace, but I feel that my faith in the Lord is merely being tested, and it shall be all the stronger for when I arrive in the states.

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

I, a lowly by-product of a rib, have thought it best to let little boys pass wind. It seems to me (again, a silly headed woman) that letting farts fester can cause homosexuality. All of that noxious air in the bowels seems like a breeding ground for homer demons. Better to stink than to sodomize has been my ninny headed theory.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Do not fear, brother. I have an idea to make you at ease with your child's wind. Although I cannot find evidence to support my hypothesis in the Holy KJV, and is therefore just a mere mortal's speculation on the subject, hear me out. For as God made man, he clearly intended man to fart. It is a mere bi-product of his grand design; the intentinal tract. However, I feel that it could be more than this. I feel that the passing of wind is meant to be a joke. If anything, it is the joke. It is the comedy trump card, the humourists final flourish, the farceur's alpha and omega. As if The Lord had all the jokes in Time and Space to choose from, and he chose this one as his. His gift, to us, to bring us laughter at even the most awkward of situation.

That is truly Godly advice Brother Bayes. But as you may notice above (I highlighted them for clarity), you missed not one, not two, not THREE but FOUR capital 'H's when referring to our Lord.

Now, the Lord absolutely HATES bad grammar, as it is an afront to God's Favorite Language™, American English. But not capitlizing references to our Lord are more than just mere typos. They are literally insults to the Little Baby Jesus and they make him cry.

Please try to avoid errors like this in the future. You'll be glad you did when God lets you into Heaven. And you may want to beg His forgivness tonight when you say your prayers before bed.

[Max Bayes]

Re: As a parent, how would you handle this?

Thanks to you, Capt. Portway. With the guidance of my brothers here at Landover, hopefully I can rid myself of this curse of English English.