Help, my grammar is masterbating!

[PalinHuckabee4Prez]

My 12 year old son Peter has taken up the sick hobby of masterbation. I've tried to tell him that it's a sick perversion that Jesus hates, and watches intensely. But he always comes back with some smartalecy comeback like "but it doesn't hurt anyone" and "it feels good". Well of course it feels good, that's just what Satan wants! Didn't that boy learn anything from our home bible sermons? I just don't know what to do.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

My 12 year old son Peter has taken up the sick hobby of masterbation. I've tried to tell him that it's a sick perversion that Jesus hates, and watches intensely. But he always comes back with some smartalecy comeback like "but it doesn't hurt anyone" and "it feels good". Well of course it feels good, that's just what Satan wants! Didn't that boy learn anything from our home bible sermons? I just don't know what to do.

You might want to take a look at THIS thread, which offers helpful hints on tried and proven methods for decreasing masturbation.

But since your son sounds like he might be turning queer, I'd get him signed up for Vacation Bible Gun Camp just as soon as possible. It'll make a man out of him.

[VictoryOS]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Although I don't have any children of my own, I still consider myself to be an authority on Good Christian child-rearing. My advice to you is to whack those boys hands every time you catch him in the act of the M activity. Whack them hard so he knows you mean business! He may become more sneaky about it over time, so try to make a hide-out in his closet so you can keep a close eye on him at the times of peak urges. If he tends to engage in this filth while showering, remove the lock from the bathroom door so you can enter at any time and catch him by surprise.

If this doesn't work, maybe try getting pictures or video of him engaging in the M activity and threaten to show them to his friends at school. This isn't the route I'd take to begin with, but if push comes to shove it may be the best card in your hand.

You and your son will be in my prayers.

[Jed_Cassidy]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Here at Camp Trust, they make us shower with our clothes on. I suggest you have your son do the same, immediately!

[Jimmy C Lombardo]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Masterbatin' is for fags. Never should the feelin' of a tallywhacker in a yer hand ever "feel good". Sounds like yer Peter is on his way to Eternal Damnation. I strongly suggest you force the lil' heathen to wear a heavy duty cod piece made of Real American Steel. Then when he get that Satanic urge to touch his willy, he will fracture his prissy hand upon the Godly Titanium.

You as the rightful parent get to keep the key and only when prissy Peter comes prancin' back ya promisin' never to rub Jesus the wrong way again, will you permit him the priviledge to relief himself the bothersome fluids that have been buildin' up in his bladder. As Im sure yer a concerned Christian parent, I advice yall to watch Peter at a safe distance as he makes his first trip to the jerry incase you catch him tryin' to rub outta fast one.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

My 12 year old son Peter has taken up the sick hobby of masterbation. I've tried to tell him that it's a sick perversion that Jesus hates, and watches intensely. But he always comes back with some smartalecy comeback like "but it doesn't hurt anyone" and "it feels good". Well of course it feels good, that's just what Satan wants! Didn't that boy learn anything from our home bible sermons? I just don't know what to do.

Did you at some point in Peter's life actually touch your son's peter tallywhacker? Just the slightest touch, even if accidental can send a lad into the depths of sexual depravity. I suggest intense Bible study, removal of all mirrors in the house, suspension of bathing, and constant surveillance of young Peter so that you can catch him in the act and administer the appropriate discipline.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

All True Christians know that if a boy touches himself, even in the shower, he is a homersexural. So everyone should just shut up about it and accept the fact that you are going to burn in HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY if you touch yourself down there! "Fantasizing" about the "body parts" of female sluts is never an excuse! Since a boy is touching a male unmentionable member, that makes him HOMERSEXURAL!

[Bob4God]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Privacy is one of the leading causes of masturbation. You might consider moving your son's bedroom into the living room where he'll always be around the family. (This is yet another reason why family is so important, and why we must fight to preserve it!)

Another major cause of masturbation is too little to do. Keep your son busy, working in the yard, lifting heavy items, sweating, panting and trimming bushes. This is certain to drive licentious thoughts for away from him!

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Move his bed outside so the whole neighborhood can look at him. This is also helpful if God decides to smite him for the act. At least your house won't be damaged by lighting, nor will you have to spend the better part of a month scraping little Peter from the carpet.

[Brother V]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Another major cause of masturbation is too little to do. Keep your son busy, working in the yard, lifting heavy items, sweating, panting and trimming bushes. This is certain to drive licentious thoughts for away from him!

That is great advice Bob.

If a boy has his hands full with chores, then he can't have them full with other things.

If he needs more to do, I've had to downsize and get rid of some of those lazy mexicants! So my bushes are overgrowing. When that's done, the yard needs mowing. When that's done, the gutters need cleaning. When that's done, the tires on the car need rotating. When that's done, firewood can be chopped. When that's done, my fence needs some mending. When that's done, I'm sure I could find some other things to do.

On day 2, he'll be cleaning out the garage.

YIC
V

*edit* note chores do not indicate that a person will be paid for their services.

[SUV]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Well, is he really going at it, like that kid in Serial Mom was?

Best cure: Get a gang together and blast in the door, just when the bedsprings have reached a crescendo

[Abraham]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Sit him down and explain to him that masturbation is a gateway act. For now it's just a little release in the privacy of his own home, but in a few years he'll be blowing guys in gas station restrooms.

[pussylover]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

I say let him do it... it builds character and all the cool people are doing it....

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

Sit him down and explain to him that masturbation is a gateway act. For now it's just a little release in the privacy of his own home, but in a few years he'll be blowing guys in gas station restrooms.

More likely a few weeks! Some of the gentlemen I've witnessed to in my Truck Stop ministry said they started cruising rest areas for furtive relations with strangers mere days after the first time they "spanked the monkey"! Seems it's addictive, and they just want more and more after they get a taste.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Help, my son is masterbating!

If he feels the need to release so severely it is painful, perhaps he could make use of one of the farm hands female children to resolve it? After all, those useless kids are just living large off of their parent (and my) generosity.