Kid Rock: an upstanding role model for America's Children

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Mitt Romney has shown young people how "with it" he is by deploying the thing young people care about most: "nu metal" star Kid rock!

Before you say "wait, you mean that guy from Woodstock 99 there women were gangraped in the moshpit while he preformed?" let me say that the media has completely blown that incident out of proportion. I have watched footage of that moshpit over and over and I have yet to see anything like gang-rape happening to someone who isn't dressed like they're asking for it.

And before you say "Isn't Nu Metal so old it's almost (but still not yet) retro?" it's evidence that Mitt Romney is thinking ahead. You see, by the time he's in office, Kid Rock WILL be old enough to be retro!

Now, it's true that Kid Rock's songs are not your typical Christian Rock. He's too creative to simply take a love some and replace "baby" with "Jesus". Like Ted Nugent's "Jailbait" some interpretation is required. (Ie, Ted Nugent when says "I don't care if you're only thirteen" he means you're old enough to convert to Christianity). Anyone who thinks otherwise simply has a dirty mind.

Could I get some help from the younger, hipper brethren, who can interpret Kid Rock's lyrics for me? Here's two songs I chose at random:

Balls In Your Mouth



Cruisin' thru town in my jacked up truck

Eyes open cuz I'm scopin' for a big butt slut

One that I can take straight back to my house

And have her suck my dick and put my balls in her mouth

Now get, get with it looked across the street

I seen a slimmy in a skirt boppin to the beat

So I capped up my 40 threw it under the seat

Rolled up on the freak and I started to speak

But before I sould talk she go grabbed my dick

Licked her lips and started talkin that porno shit

She said look here I know you're Kid Rock

Then whispered in my ear "I wanna swallow your cock"

Well blow me up and then blow me down

Cause I think i just found the biggest freak in town

And now I can't wait to get her back to my house

Set her down on her knees and put my balls in her mouth

Balls in your mouth

Balls in your mouth; "U want my balls in your mouth"

Balls in your mouth

Balls in your mouth; "U want my balls in your mouth"

Back to my crib with no delay

Big grin on my grill and not much to say

Except her yo bitch how's about

I drop my my drawers and put my balls in your mouth

Then it was like straight out of a pron

She dropped to her knees and started blowin my horn

And after that, without no doubt

She opened up wide and put my balls in her mouth

Next the cutie started rubbin my back

Then she put a finger right between my booty crack

So I grabbed her wrist quick and said hold up slut

"Ain't nobody stickin mothin in my butt"

Now right then I knew I had a hoe and a half

And all I could do is sit back and laugh

Stare at the ceiling thinking about

This chick I just met's got my balls in her mouth

Balls in your mouth

Balls in your mouth; "U want my balls in your mouth"

Balls in your mouth

Balls in your mouth; "U want my balls in your mouth"

Balls in your mouth

Balls in your mouth; "U want my balls in your mouth"

Balls in your mouth

Balls in your mouth; "U want my balls in your mouth"

After I busted my nuts I drove her to the cut

She said "I hope you don't think that I'm a big slut,

And please don't tell anyone what we've been thru"

Next day I told the whole pifflein crew

Spread the news thru the whole damn town

And to the chick it musta got back around

So I told the hoe sorry and tried to make amends

But she tried to front me in front of my friends

Runnin off at the lip talking all that shit

That I'm a bitch I'm a prick and that I got a small dick

I just waited till she walked away to shout

"piffle you bitch, u had my balls in your mouth!"

And some more:

Pimp of the Nation



There's only two types of men

Pimps and John's

There's one type of bitch

That's a hoe

God damn hooker this is my world

God damn time to go

Where's my doe

Its startin to snow

All I want is the dollas

I've been a pimp so long ? gahndi had an afro

Pimp, hold my dick like a holster

Girls want a Kid Rock poster

And be able to both stay looked at

The number one pimp with the number one rap

What's up with that

Well I'm a cool cat

With the rap

That's harder than a pimp slap

And because I do so much pimpin

One day I'll probably walk with a limp

And drive a big Lincoln

Wearing an unbuttoned shirt

And be a fifty five year old pervert

But for now rap's the occupation

But watch one day I'll be Pimp Of The Nation

Hoes are rustlic

Daddy's in the house

We got hoes and hoes and hoes

Prices are low

We pratically given the coochie away

Shake the booty

Shake that booty

Its not a ? sell

Its a cake sell

God Damn It

Pimp of the Nation, I could be it

As a matter of a fact, I for see it

But only pimpin hoes with the big tush

While you be left pimpin Barbra Bush

What's up granny

First name Annie

Dried up kunt and a saggin fanny

The highlight of your sex adventures

You wanna suck dicks take out your denchers

A show of life is all I'm givin

Old Pimp young hoes is how I'm livin

But for now rap's the occupation

But watch one day I'll be Pimp Of The Nation

I got all the hookers, God Damn It

I got Sensational Sherry, Juicy Lucy, Nasty Nancy, and Tammy Toe Jam

All of them ready, willing, and able to give the mack daddy the dollas

And all the coochie and kunts that's the sweet part

Hahahaha

I have hoes like horses in a stable

Rich, famous, willing, and able

First off Ja Ja Kubore

Different gore

Is my highest paying whore

And for some hot booty waxin

Fake Ass Latoya Jackson

Rosanne Barr is my newest trick

While on the beach I prune her with my dick

And the bitch who piffles with my cash

Robin Givens I'll rip your ass

Yeah Kid Rock, Kid Rock

Don't piffle with me

I'll be Pimp of the Nation, Bitch

One nation under a pimp

Gettin Paid cuz suckers is pussy whipped

One nation under a pimp

Gettin Paid cuz suckers is pussy whipped

One nation under a pimp

Gettin Paid cuz suckers is pussy whipped

One nation under a pimp

Gettin Paid cuz suckers is pussy whipped

Oh yeah who's pimpin out there

Ah huh

The Midwest is pimpin

Detroit is pimpin

Mt. Clemens is pimpin

Romeo is pimpin

The balck man he pimpin

Katie C he's pimpin

Bo your pimpin

I said Tom he's pimpin

Chuck and Murph their pimpin

D he's pimpin

Boner is pimpin

Ben he's pimpin

Ralph C is pimpin

The yound brothers are pimpin

Elie your pimpin

I said Tony your pimpin

Hey Chicago your pimpin

Mr. Lee your pimpin My pops is pimpin

? D he's pimpin

Jay C he's pimpin

Diesy is pimpin

Dougie Doug is pimpin

D-Nice he's pimpin

Chuck Nice is pimpin

Barry White he's pimpin

New York is pimpin

I said Philly is pimpin

Oakland your pimpin

Too $hort your pimpin

Arseno Hall your pimpin

Eddie Murphy your pimpin

Jive your pimpin

RCA is pimpin

Top Dogg is pimpin

Michael Jackson, Ah you ain't pimpin shit Ah hah hah

Word em up

Word em up

Kid Rock

Kid, Kid Rock

Kid, Kid Rock

And I'm Pimp of the Nation

Hah hah Word

You stay on third base

I'm goin home with the bacon baby

Peace

I understand "One Nation Under a Pimp" - he's saying that God is a pimp. But what's his pro-family definition of "pimp"?

[Born Again Bob]

Re: Kid Rock: an upstanding role model for America's Children

Dear Brother,

I understand "One Nation Under a Pimp" - he's saying that God is a pimp. But what's his pro-family definition of "pimp"?

Fiscally conservative distributor of love and righteous wrath.

Yours in Him,
bab

[Born Again Bob]

Re: Kid Rock: an upstanding role model for America's Children

Dear Friend,

And of course, "balls in yo mouth" refers to that favorite Godly snack, Atomic Fireballs!



"Kid" just can't get enough of them! And neither can I! I've been sharing my "balls" all over Freehold, and the look on our friends' faces when they find out that they're now chewy! Priceless.

Yours in Him,
BAB