"Erect Hard-On Collider" to be activated

[Brother Temperance]

Re: "Erect Hard-On Collider" to be activated

I am praying for Christ to keep me rigid and firm in the faith, but it's tricky. Several times today I've noticed my wrists starting to flop all over the place like nobody's business. Please let me know if I start to display any signs of unusual behaviour.

[Dead Dog]

Re: "Erect Hard-On Collider" to be activated

The Large Hadron Collider will be activated within a matter of hours.

To the married community:

You all know what you need to be doing. I personally will be firmly planted inside my wife for the entire day as a bold stand for heterosexuality. Some of you are going to be wear electrified chastity belts. Some of you will be using hazmat suits. If you still have not developed a plan you had best head to the main church building ASAP.

To the single community:

Single church members need to form prayer circles. We are going to be mixing things up a bit for this occasion. Prayer circles should consist of boy-girl-boy-girl pattern. With the very real threat of homo erotic particles attempting to penetrate our minds and bodies we don't want anyone holding hands with the same sex. Yes, we know holding hands is alittle hot and heavy, but the alternative is too dire to take any other course. Participation is mandatory. Anyone who is not signed in by 0030hr will be automatically signed up for BASH the next day.

Prayer circles start at midnight. Schools in Freehold will be closed tomorrow as well as the university. Remember, Jesus is our friend. He is on our side. Let's stand up to Satan and his earthly minions. This gateway to the Abyss will not be allowed to let Satan and his demons entire our world physically. We must counter these particles with prayer. We will show them the power of real "God particles".

To those single members living in Europe:

You will be right at the epicenter. You have already been signed up for BASH. We have complete confidence that you will not give in the the demons' call to sodomy and rug munchery, but you will need to be purged in the light of Jesus nonetheless. It would be cruel of us to allow you to be subject to such a call for the rest of your natural life.

I'm going to be sat at the computer wrapped in a duvet as it's 7.00am here. I am confident it won't turn me gay. Hey, maybe it'll turn homos straight!

[Remy Lebeau]

The Large Hadron Collider will be activated within a matter of hours.

To the married community:

You all know what you need to be doing. I personally will be firmly planted inside my wife for the entire day as a bold stand for heterosexuality. Some of you are going to be wear electrified chastity belts. Some of you will be using hazmat suits. If you still have not developed a plan you had best head to the main church building ASAP.

To the single community:

Single church members need to form prayer circles. We are going to be mixing things up a bit for this occasion. Prayer circles should consist of boy-girl-boy-girl pattern. With the very real threat of homo erotic particles attempting to penetrate our minds and bodies we don't want anyone holding hands with the same sex. Yes, we know holding hands is alittle hot and heavy, but the alternative is too dire to take any other course. Participation is mandatory. Anyone who is not signed in by 0030hr will be automatically signed up for BASH the next day.

Prayer circles start at midnight. Schools in Freehold will be closed tomorrow as well as the university. Remember, Jesus is our friend. He is on our side. Let's stand up to Satan and his earthly minions. This gateway to the Abyss will not be allowed to let Satan and his demons entire our world physically. We must counter these particles with prayer. We will show them the power of real "God particles".

To those single members living in Europe:

You will be right at the epicenter. You have already been signed up for BASH. We have complete confidence that you will not give in the the demons' call to sodomy and rug munchery, but you will need to be purged in the light of Jesus nonetheless. It would be cruel of us to allow you to be subject to such a call for the rest of your natural life.