[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

NO MORE toilet pictures, PLEASE!!!

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

You better pray to the real God and Jesus Christ! If this is what it takes to save your soul finally, I call on all members to show this hell bound sinner the worst they can!
We have Satan on the ropes and we can save Rachael!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Hey Missy! What do you think Hell will be like? Clean shiny porcelain?
NO! You'll be sleeping and eating your meals in one of these!




You better get Jesus while you can! In Heaven the toilets sparkle!

YE GODS!!!!!
After the repulsive microwave 'chicken' I just had, seeing that was the final straw!!!

Now please excuse my while I go pray to the porcelain god. I hope you're happy.

[Wide-Open]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Why the graphic descriptions?? Why, why, why??

Listen you witch: you don't HAVE to read it. I'm sure witches don't even know the concept of bathrooms, but WE DO and WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW JESUS RELATES TO THEM!

Now let us discuss this topic in peace before I flush you down to Quarantine.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Why the graphic descriptions?? Why, why, why??

Hey Missy! What do you think Hell will be like? Clean shiny porcelain?
NO! You'll be sleeping and eating your meals in one of these!




You better get Jesus while you can! In Heaven the toilets sparkle!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Why the graphic descriptions?? Why, why, why??

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

This is a must read:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0802/toilet.html

[Wide-Open]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

I am also passing your words on to Pastor Wide Open, since I know that he is especially interested in all things pertaining to God and bathrooms.

Thank you for the heads up Brother. (heads up indeed) Although I barely ever talk about bathrooms - even I have my limits - I often wonder about them, and how they relate to Baby Jesus.

Of course - and you may not know this - here in heathen Europe, a "bathroom" appears to be something different than a "bathroom" in the Godly US. I'm short of time now, but I'm sure you all would want me to elaborate on this very topic.

Heavenly points, brother. Going to the bathroom is a dangerous topic I covered back in November of 2006.

That's a beautiful bathroom Brother Wash, and it looks much like mine. It hasn't been cleaned for over a year now (after the terrible accident that happened to my wife), and as you know we don't have Mexicants around in this hellhole.

I have to go now.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Heavenly points, brother. Going to the bathroom is a dangerous topic I covered back in November of 2006.

Going to the Bathroom: A Gateway to Evil



http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=887

Would you PLEASE stop posting that???

[JennyD]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

I understand there are certain Pastors so devoted to not seeing their own naughty parts -- and not stopping a marathon 3-hour sermon -- that they use Depends undergarments. However, I will not reveal any of their names, lest they be embarassed.

On a completely unrelated subject, was anyone else amazed by Pastor Ezekiel's stamina this past Sunday? Why, he kept driving his Godly points home for hours on end!! I was so exhausted by his rhetoric that I could barely stand up after.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

This is why God gave us bellies, so we don't have to look "down there."

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Brother Fore and Brother O'Hanley,
Those tips are excellent, as were those of Brothers Smith and King. When I was unsaved, I was guilty of many, many sins involving the elimination of waste, both my own waste and the waste of others. It is a topic to horrible to mention here.

I only bring it up as a way to mention my zero-tolerance policy for the viewing, hearing, and touching of any and all bodily functions and parts "down there". Here is how I recommend passing (pardon my language) urine.

1. Put on Hearing Protection Radio Headphones tuned to Radio Landover BEFORE pants are lowered, to avoid hearing lascivious zipper sound as well as the splashing of my elimination.

2. Avert eyes toward Heaven, and lower pants and both pairs of modesty underpants.

3. Apologize to Jesus for being nude below the waste.

4. Carefully lie across the bowl of the toilet with "parts" hanging into the bowl.

5. Hum along to Radio Landover as the deed is done.

6. Lie there and let any excess "waste" drip into the bowl.

7. Stand up, eyes averted, apologize to Jesus again, then pull garments up.

8. With eyes cast down only far enough to see the lid of the toilet, shut the lid WITHOUT looking in the bowl.

9. Use your foot to depress the flush lever, and say a quick prayer.

10. Apologize to Jesus a third time.

This is what I do at home. When forced to use a public restroom, I use more precations because of the AIDS, but that is for a different thread.

My #2 procedure is similar to Brother Fore's, but I wear a respirator as well, as I have trouble breathing through my mouth in a bathroom.

[Nobar King]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

One mistaken rule used by fraternities and hippies alike: Keep matches in the bathroom.

Smelling all that sulfur is likely to lead to other infernal thoughts.

Keep a glade plug-in in the bathroom, instead.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Heavenly points, brother. Going to the bathroom is a dangerous topic I covered back in November of 2006.

Going to the Bathroom: A Gateway to Evil

Folks, it has recently come to my attention that a lot of young people (mostly gothic males) are, during the act of expelling waste, touching their private areas. Now I was always raised to know not to do such things, as were my children but I don't think that everyone here in Landover is aware of the alarming amount of masturbation that takes place during the act of urinating.
Allow me to draw out a time line for you to adequately describe what is occurring:

Step 1: Subject feels need to go to bathroom
Step 2: Subject enters bathroom and closes door (unless they are goths or homosexuals and enjoy the sick thrill of people watching them urinate).
Step 3: Subject undoes pants zipper and button and removes private areas, extending them outside of the pants (by hand).
Step 4: Subject urinates while touching private areas, in my studies of watching the security cameras in the Radio Station's bathroom I would say that roughly 90% of all people that urinate while touching their private parts become filled with Satan and aroused to the point of debauchery.
Step 5: Subject "shakes" private areas to get any left over "droplets" into the toilet, this experience can include premature ejaculation.

As you can see by this outline, those that urinate in the "Hilary Clinton" style (I coined the name myself) are sick-minded individuals or poor ignorant lost souls on their way to hell. There is really only one solution to this problem which is adopting a new plan of urination to be taught in Christian Schools across America immediately. I call it the "Wash" style of urination (I coined the name myself) and I will briefly outline how it works:

Step 1: Subject, while in their daily Christian schedule of praying, reading the Bible or feeling the negative effects of homosexuality in other parts of the nation, feels the sudden urge to urinate.
Step 2: Subject enters bathroom and closes door, locking it on the door knob as well as at least 3 locks on the door to avoid anyone coming in.
Step 3: Subject blind-folds self, unzips pants and then with sterilized gloves pulls pants down (from the belt loops).
Step 4: Without touching private areas, subject urinates blindly into the direction of the toilet.
Step 5: Subject pulls pants up (by the belt loops) and zips pants back up.
Step 6: Subject burns gloves and sterilizes hands and puts rubbing alcohol into eyes.
Step 7: Subject begs God for forgiveness.

Hopefully my plan will limit the amount of masturbation occuring in the United States to Goths, Homosexuals and Liberals. Some may think that my plan takes too long (the fastest bathroom trip I have ever had was 15 minutes) and that it creates a mess that is a potential health risk. To this I have one response: see you in Hell (from heaven).

Having a bathroom that looks like mine is a small price to pay for eternal salvation. Plus, if you have a wife she will be more than happy to clean it for you (cleaning up after a Godly man is every housewive's dream).

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=887

[SUV]

Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom

Oh - I thought this might have been a thread on the Godly Ted Haggard.

Was wondering how the system for Praising Jesus! by toe-taps worked.