Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Republican Children Say the Darndest Things About Barack Obama!

Freehold, Iowa - National Center for Concerned Christian Children - Landover Baptist receives countless letters from curious children every month. For the last few months, nearly 80% of their letters contain questions about so-called, U.S. Presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama. "It looks like Christian parents are still raising American children with traditional values," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "It's insightful to read how the little ears of Jesus interpret what they hear through Satanic secular media. It gives me great hope in our future! I thought it would be an absolute joy to print some of their questions here on our web site. I'll bet most of our readers have children asking the same questions! If your kids are asking questions like the ones you read below, it is a sure sign that you are raising your child in accordance with True Christian™ Biblical standards! Praise Jesus!"

"Does every Christian family move to Canada if Obama is elected, or is it just everyone on my Daddy's side?" - Henrietta Rutherford, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Is Obama really gonna make momma get an abortion? I wanted a little brother and she promised to make one for me!" - Mark Ingram, Age 5, Home Schooled

"How is my daddy going to get his money for retirement if Obama is going to take it all and give it to the Negroes?" - Jenny Yolinda, Age 10, Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Saved

"Is the Obama going to send the rappers to get my mommy?" - Brian Wind, Age 10, Liberty University Advanced Children's Christian Center for Learning

"Does Obama have an extra bone in his ankle that makes him jump higher when he plays basketball?" - Nancy Hodge, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"I'm saving myslef for maragie, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough?" - Jonathan Westfalls, Age 45, Liberty University School of Life Long Learning

"I'm so scared of Obama! Is that dirty dark monster still outside of my bathroom window, watching me tinkle? Is he going to bite my head off and feed it to the Puff Daddy like Momma says?" - Jack Harper, Age 7, Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Saved

"What's a half-breeded nappity headed negroid comanist snoffabeach?" Gillian Thomas, Age 5, Home Schooled

"How comes a colored person is allowed to be a President?" - Sally Fisher, Age 17 Landover Baptist High School For the Saved

"What's a Vagina? My Creation Science Teacher, Edna Mae, says Obama will make her teach students about them and spray hers on everyone in class or else she might lose her credidations." - Willy Higgins, Age 7, Landover Baptist Junior Academy for the

"If Obama gets elected, is he going to kill all the white people or make them slaveries?" - Henry Clark, Age 14, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Will Obama make my Daddy pay Monique more money to clean my bedroom? And can I still boss her around my bathroom alot? She's so funny looking! I like it when she always says to me, "yes 'ma'am!" - Alison Hahan, Age 17, Landover Baptist Creation Research Academy

"If Obama gets elected, is there gonna be more Negroes everywhere? Even on my lacrosse team! And in my tree-fort!?" - Hank Funkhouser, Age 11, Freehold Iowa Christian Academy

"Momma says June Gordon is voting for Obama because he has a giant penis and she likes getting rapped by Negroes. Why is a hore like that beach still allowed in our church?" - Billy Spofford, Age 11, Landover Baptist Junior Academy for the Saved

"Does Obama think my daddy makes too much money? Is Obama gonna give daddy's money to Mr. Cecil so he can buy cracked cains? Mom says Obama wants to make her stamp her food, why???" - Nancy Hodge, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Dad's being saying this word lots when he reads about the Obama, so how is a Neeg rahr look? It sounds scary! Is it like a lion?" - Amy Coltin, Age 4, Landover Baptist Pre-School for the Saved.

"My daddy made my sister move away cause said she is voting for Obama. Is she going to be okay? He hit her in the head with the Bible. I am not allowed to help her because Daddy said she is no better than a Mexican and there ain't no Mexicans in this Christian family." - Cheryl Longwood, Age 14, Lynchburg Christian Academy at Thomas Road Baptist Church

"If Obama gets elected, will the coloreds move to our neighborhood?" - Timothy Jenkins, Age 9, Landover Baptist Elementary School for the Saved

"Is Rushian Limbargh gonna get Christians to stop Obama before he gets to the Whites Ony House and takes controls of the social securities?" - NTodd Brewer, Age 7, Lynchburg Christian Pre-School Academy

"Why does daddy cuss so much when Obama is on TV?" - Benjamin Talkins, Age 8, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Are all the people who don't vote for John McCain really going to burn in hell and be hiney-sized by demons? Grandma says it is absolutely true! She says that Pastor Lon Solomon, who is a messianical Jewish is just afraid to say it out loud because he'd lose his gold tithers. Grandma is the best Christian I ever knew!" - Scott Prendergast Jr., Age 11, McLean Bible School, McLean Virginia

[H. Montague Worthington]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

Thanks for the chuckle, Pastor Zeke! What cute kids-- and smart! I'll bet they grow up to be hedge fund managers and health care administrators!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

Thanks for the chuckle, Pastor Zeke! What cute kids-- and smart! I'll bet they grow up to be hedge fund managers and health care administrators!

If this guy is representative of a Landover education, then a job that includes asking the question "Do you want fries with that?" would be overly ambitious.


"I'm saving myslef for maragie, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough?" - Jonathan Westfalls, Age 45, Liberty University School of Life Long Learning

[Nobar King]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

Those questions are interesting, Pastor, but I suspect it would be good to read the childrens' responses to their classmates' questions.

[VictoryOS]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

If this guy is representative of a Landover education, then a job that includes asking the question "Do you want fries with that?" would be overly ambitious.


"I'm saving myslef for maragie, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough?" - Jonathan Westfalls, Age 45, Liberty University School of Life Long Learning

I suppose you think smoking marihuana is a good idea? Typical liberal.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

I suppose you think smoking marihuana is a good idea? Typical liberal.

I was referring to the fact that at 45, one would think that a person could spell simple words like marriage, marijuana, and cigarettes, and 45 is a bit old to be a virgin.

[Nobar King]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

So, you're accepting of everyone except 45 yr old retarded virgins? Ageism must be your weakness, because you seem to tolerate the retarded and the virgins who post here.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

So, you're accepting of everyone except 45 yr old retarded virgins? Ageism must be your weakness, because you seem to tolerate the retarded and the virgins who post here.

I didn't say that he was retarded - just poorly educated. And his virginity at the age of 45 is likely the result of poor socialization. Both seem to be typical of students at Landover's schools and others of their ilk.

[Nobar King]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

This argument clearly highlights the kindness, generosity, and patience of the teachers at Landover Academy. You were the one who suggested that there was something wrong with him, not his environment.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Republican Children Say The Darndest Things!

I didn't say that he was retarded - just poorly educated. And his virginity at the age of 45 is likely the result of poor socialization. Both seem to be typical of students at Landover's schools and others of their ilk.

The fact that we educate our members to abstain from fornicating with every stranger they meet is seen as a point of pride, not shame at Landover Baptist. Not everyone is a wanton slut like you.


The depths of your immoral perversions never cease to astound and disgust.