Tweet
The Case For American Theocracy
This week, Republicans finally put into words what all God-fearing, red-blooded Americans have been thinking forever. Join us in prayer that the year 2016 will be remembered as the end of this nation’s love-affair with the Gay Agenda, liberal pandering, and demands to hold the media and representatives of the government accountable for their actions. Let us rejoice as equal rights” is formally, and legally replaced by “God-given, natural rights” (as regulated by True Christians™).
Yes, America, it’s time for the Theocracy Jesus always wanted us to have!
America will no longer be held hostage to environmentalists, advocates for fact based education, and all that “Happy Holidays” nonsense. Once again we will say coal is a “clean” energy source, and porn is a “public menace” (at least until the porn industry hires successful lobbyists like religious institutions, and the NRA).
But let’s get to the point we’re all really excited for! NO MORE HOMO STUFF! The GOP platform identifies homosexuals as “icky” and “dangerous front line soldiers of Satan’s Fag-Bait Chorus Line Army” (not their exact words, but the sentiment is the same). While people who pose as transgender make up less than 0.2 to 0.3% of the population, suffer exponentially more than straight Americans, pose a lesser threat than GOP representatives or religious clergy, Catholic or Protestant, they will continue to get 94% of GOP attention until everyone agrees the Bible is right; they are begging to be beaten to a bloody pulp. The First Amendment Defense Act (FADA) will allow representatives of America’s secular government to oppress a Gay Person’s First Amendment rights when those civil rights are found to be personally offensive or cause an icky feeling to the oppressor.
Other platform issues finalized for consideration:
Yes, America, it’s time for the Theocracy Jesus always wanted us to have!
America will no longer be held hostage to environmentalists, advocates for fact based education, and all that “Happy Holidays” nonsense. Once again we will say coal is a “clean” energy source, and porn is a “public menace” (at least until the porn industry hires successful lobbyists like religious institutions, and the NRA).
But let’s get to the point we’re all really excited for! NO MORE HOMO STUFF! The GOP platform identifies homosexuals as “icky” and “dangerous front line soldiers of Satan’s Fag-Bait Chorus Line Army” (not their exact words, but the sentiment is the same). While people who pose as transgender make up less than 0.2 to 0.3% of the population, suffer exponentially more than straight Americans, pose a lesser threat than GOP representatives or religious clergy, Catholic or Protestant, they will continue to get 94% of GOP attention until everyone agrees the Bible is right; they are begging to be beaten to a bloody pulp. The First Amendment Defense Act (FADA) will allow representatives of America’s secular government to oppress a Gay Person’s First Amendment rights when those civil rights are found to be personally offensive or cause an icky feeling to the oppressor.
Other platform issues finalized for consideration:
- Girls don’t belong in the military, but do belong in the kitchen (Genesis 2:18; Genesis 3:16; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Corinthians 14:34; 1 Timothy 2:14-15)
- Parents should have 100% authority to discipline their children by any means necessary, including those known to cause trauma, pain, and death, so long as they feel strongly that their religious beliefs would approve (Proverbs 13:24; Proverbs 22:15; Proverbs 23:13; Proverbs 23:14; Proverbs 29:15; Proverbs 29:17)
- We’ll destroy ISIS, we’re totally serious you guys (2 Chronicles 15:12-13; Deuteronomy 13:13-19; Deuteronomy 17:2-5; Leviticus 24:10-16; Deuteronomy 18:20-22)
- The Bible will replace science, history, literacy, and critical thinking in education (1 Timothy 6:20; Colossians 2:8; Ephesians 5:6; Isaiah 40:12; Romans 1:20; Psalm 19:1)
- And Mexicans are long overdue building that damn wall! (It’s 2016! Come on!)
Comment