[Sister Kitty]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Earth hour does not amuse me.

Millions of people around the world who want to keep my land frozen. We have suffered for thousands of years, and just when things are starting to warm up a little, people want to turn off the lights to keep us in the deep freeze. Where's the love?

[Free Market Fred]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Earth hour does not amuse me.

Millions of people around the world who want to keep my land frozen. We have suffered for thousands of years, and just when things are starting to warm up a little, people want to turn off the lights to keep us in the deep freeze. Where's the love?

Sister Kitty, you needn't worry as our scientists are pretty sure that your native Eskimoland will indeed be warming up soon. Additionally, the oil found under your land will be a great source of wealth. A bright future awaits your people indeed.

With that in mind, I'd like to inform you about my company's Native People's Assistance Fund. If your tribe signs up, you'll receive immediate benefits at no cost whatsoever. All you've got to do is sign a contract which states that your tribal lands will be willed to Uranus Corporation, but only in the event that all tribal members are deceased. Since that is extremely unlikely, you can rest assured that the land will in fact remain with you and your descendants forever.

So please, go to our web site and sign up. Be sure to include your mailing address so that we know where to ship the smallpox-infected blankets.


A realtor you can trust.

[Sister Kitty]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Sister Kitty, you needn't worry as our scientists are pretty sure that your native Eskimoland will indeed be warming up soon. Additionally, the oil found under your land will be a great source of wealth. A bright future awaits your people indeed.

With that in mind, I'd like to inform you about my company's Native People's Assistance Fund. If your tribe signs up, you'll receive immediate benefits at no cost whatsoever. All you've got to do is sign a contract which states that your tribal lands will be willed to Uranus Corporation, but only in the event that all tribal members are deceased. Since that is extremely unlikely, you can rest assured that the land will in fact remain with you and your descendants forever.

So please, go to our web site and sign up. Be sure to include your mailing address so that we know where to ship the smallpox-infected blankets.


A realtor you can trust.

I am not amused with your attempt to trick a simple eskimo woman.

However I have discussed your proposal with our village elders, and they have authorized me to speak on their behalf and offer a counter proposal. You are quite welcome to our oil, we ask only that you provide us with 12 new copies of the KJV to spread the Word among our unsaved Eskimo brethren. In addition we require the vast sum of four large logs from which we can fashion clubs to club small ice rats (I believe you call them baby seals). Wood is scarce on the tundra. We have no use for oil as our generator runs on whale oil. Our oil is your oil for this small price.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Earth hour does not amuse me.

Millions of people around the world who want to keep my land frozen. We have suffered for thousands of years, and just when things are starting to warm up a little, people want to turn off the lights to keep us in the deep freeze. Where's the love?

Every year about this time Al Gore starts talking about global warming again (I think after all these years he's finally woken up to the fact that it's not a good idea to peddle his lies during the winter) – but it's just because spring is coming and it is getting warmer.

If it's indeed getting warmer it's because Jesus wants us to feed the growing population with a longer growing season. Jesus needs more souls to praise Him.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: God won't allow global warming

I am not amused with your attempt to trick a simple eskimo woman.

However I have discussed your proposal with our village elders, and they have authorized me to speak on their behalf and offer a counter proposal. You are quite welcome to our oil, we ask only that you provide us with 12 new copies of the KJV to spread the Word among our unsaved Eskimo brethren. In addition we require the vast sum of four large logs from which we can fashion clubs to club small ice rats (I believe you call them baby seals). Wood is scarce on the tundra. We have no use for oil as our generator runs on whale oil. Our oil is your oil for this small price.

I've discussed it with my Board of Directors, and I think we can make a deal. I must say though, your tribe is being a little greedy, considering that we got all of Manhattan for $24 in shiny trinkets, but the accounting department says that smallpox blankets would have cost more than that.

By the way, once we get the oil and land, I think there could be a good possibility of another joint venture for an Eskimo casino. That would bring in some additional money for your tribe, plus copious quantities of alcohol which, as we all know, has done so much to improve the quality of life for Native Americans.


Firewater helps you sleep better.

Anyway, I am glad that our missionaries have done a good job at getting you igloo folks to see that a caring, sharing company like Uranus Corporation has your best interests at heart. Being on the receiving end of a "missionary position," your tribe will get to enjoy the fruits of our great civilization, like firewater, Hostess Twinkies, Fox News, pawn shops and oil spills. Although your days of clean water, sobriety and good health are over, you'll receive your reward in Heaven.

[Sister Kitty]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Your delay in responding to our counter proposal has given us more time to consider your offer. I feel we are close to an agreement.

Our elders have discussed this matter with the village lawyer who has watched most of 5 Law and Order episodes. He feels, and the Elders agree, that agreeing on a fixed sum when the extent of the oil reserves are not known is not wise. As such we propose our initial offer apply to the first 500 million barrels of crude that can be economically recovered by Uranus Corporation. That is 12 KJV Bibles and the vast sum of 4 large logs. However, should the reserves be greater than 500 million barrels, we will reguire the additional vast sum of 1 large log per 100 million barrels of recoverable crude. In addition, and I apologize for this, my grandmother, who is an elder, insists on the $24 in trinkets that you have mentioned, she also requires a small hand-held mirror with which to admire the trinkets.

The casino can be discussed at a later date.

If you agree, exploration can begin immediately.

[JelloBarf]

Re: God won't allow global warming

The polar bears are just alright. We had the coldest winter in decades here in Sweden this season.
By the way - you do know that polar bears can swim, don't you?

Fine i'll drop you in the middle of the sub-zero, arctic ocean miles away from land and see how well you do.

this maybe swedens coldest winter but then that means youre also going to have the hottest summer coming up. Global Warming is a bit of a misnomer, it actually makes summers hotter and makes winters colder.
its natures way of balancing things out.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Fine i'll drop you in the middle of the sub-zero, arctic ocean miles away from land and see how well you do.

So you think we should ship all of the polar bears to the tropics? After all, that's where humans like to spend winter.

this maybe swedens coldest winter but then that means youre also going to have the hottest summer coming up. Global Warming is a bit of a misnomer, it actually makes summers hotter and makes winters colder.
its natures way of balancing things out.

Yet Western Canada had an incredibly warm/dry winter. So much for your colder winters theory.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Your delay in responding to our counter proposal has given us more time to consider your offer. I feel we are close to an agreement.

Our elders have discussed this matter with the village lawyer who has watched most of 5 Law and Order episodes. He feels, and the Elders agree, that agreeing on a fixed sum when the extent of the oil reserves are not known is not wise. As such we propose our initial offer apply to the first 500 million barrels of crude that can be economically recovered by Uranus Corporation. That is 12 KJV Bibles and the vast sum of 4 large logs. However, should the reserves be greater than 500 million barrels, we will reguire the additional vast sum of 1 large log per 100 million barrels of recoverable crude. In addition, and I apologize for this, my grandmother, who is an elder, insists on the $24 in trinkets that you have mentioned, she also requires a small hand-held mirror with which to admire the trinkets.

The casino can be discussed at a later date.

If you agree, exploration can begin immediately.

Hello, Sister Kitty. Sorry about the delay, but I had to meet with my Board of Directors. The good news is that we're ready to meet all your demands, but we also have a few more demands of our own. As you may or may not know, there is a special law that awards no-bid contracts to Alaskan Native Corporations. Using this law, villages like yours can win a contract to rebuild Iraq, and then subcontract the whole job out to us. Indeed, we've already skimmed billions off the federal government using this method. The only problem is that, in the past, the Native Corporations typically wanted a percentage of the profits, maybe 5% or so, for doing nothing. Well, that's got to change! We are prepared to pay your village $24 in shiny trinkets (made in China) for each billion dollar contract you snag for us. I think that's more than fair.

Also, there's another problem that we'd like you to help solve. Oil field workers are invariably male. As you can imagine, these men working in the far north for months at a time without female companionship get rather lonely. In the past, we've solved this problem by trafficking employing young Russian and Filipino women as hostesses (note: Todd Palin was our best customer in 2007). When George W Bush was president, we had no trouble bringing in these women with student visas. Unfortunately, the Obama administration is giving us sh*t for violating immigration laws, so we're under pressure to start hiring locals. Thus, we would like to establish an "entertainment complex" in your village and create employment opportunities for young Eskimo females such as yourself. You'd be paid generously in coupons, redeemable at our company store (and yes, we do sell alcohol!), plus the coupons could be used in our Eskimo Casino for playing the slots and blackjack.


Oil field workers from Russia and The Philippines.

In summation, let me just say that I see great business opportunities here, a classic "win-win" situation. I can assure you that once my company starts doing business in your village, the place will never be the same.

[Sister Kitty]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Hello, Sister Kitty. Sorry about the delay, but I had to meet with my Board of Directors. The good news is that we're ready to meet all your demands,

Grandmother will be pleased.

but we also have a few more demands of our own. As you may or may not know, there is a special law that awards no-bid contracts to Alaskan Native Corporations. Using this law, villages like yours can win a contract to rebuild Iraq, and then subcontract the whole job out to us. Indeed, we've already skimmed billions off the federal government using this method. The only problem is that, in the past, the Native Corporations typically wanted a percentage of the profits, maybe 5% or so, for doing nothing. Well, that's got to change! We are prepared to pay your village $24 in shiny trinkets (made in China) for each billion dollar contract you snag for us. I think that's more than fair.

We are certainly willing to assist you in this. However, your initial shipment of trinkets will be sufficient, my grandmother intends to distribute them to all the elders. But we are not asking for more than you offer, simply a different method of payment.



The retail value of a Coleman campstove is about $24. We ask one of these for each additional billion dollar contract we secure for you in Iraq or whatever country America destroys next. This partnership may last many decades.

Also, there's another problem that we'd like you to help solve. Oil field workers are invariably male. As you can imagine, these men working in the far north for months at a time without female companionship get rather lonely. In the past, we've solved this problem by trafficking employing young Russian and Filipino women as hostesses (note: Todd Palin was our best customer in 2007). When George W Bush was president, we had no trouble bringing in these women with student visas. Unfortunately, the Obama administration is giving us sh*t for violating immigration laws, so we're under pressure to start hiring locals. Thus, we would like to establish an "entertainment complex" in your village and create employment opportunities for young Eskimo females such as yourself. You'd be paid generously in coupons, redeemable at our company store (and yes, we do sell alcohol!), plus the coupons could be used in our Eskimo Casino for playing the slots and blackjack.

I find this portion of your proposition problematic. I ascribe my lack of understanding to the fact that I am a female and barely literate in English.

If I understand you right, you are asking that your oilfield workers be able to hire our local Christian women as study partners to explore each others understanding of the KJV, and come together in God's love through His word? If this is what you are saying, I'm sure many of our local ladies will be pleased to help your oilworkers see God. As often as they want.

In summation, let me just say that I see great business opportunities here, a classic "win-win" situation. I can assure you that once my company starts doing business in your village, the place will never be the same.

I agree. With Godly business partners like us, how can Uranus corporation go wrong?

[Free Market Fred]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Grandmother will be pleased.

We are certainly willing to assist you in this. However, your initial shipment of trinkets will be sufficient, my grandmother intends to distribute them to all the elders. But we are not asking for more than you offer, simply a different method of payment.



The retail value of a Coleman campstove is about $24. We ask one of these for each additional billion dollar contract we secure for you in Iraq or whatever country America destroys next. This partnership may last many decades.

No problem Sister Kitty, we are happy to comply with your request. Should you find yourself with too many of these camp stoves, we have other useful items of similar value that we could offer you. Our past experiences in dealing with native people indicates that many of them are pleased to receive a case of this nutritious drink:



Considering the climate where you live, you'll be pleased to know that it helps keep you warm in winter, just like those Coleman stoves.

Speaking of which: We also have a large quantity of cesium-137, strontium-90, iodine-131 and various other "fission products" that we would like to offer your tribe absolutely free. These will keep your igloos warm in winter, year after year, saving you a bundle on heating oil.


Guaranteed not to leak for at least 5 years!

I find this portion of your proposition problematic. I ascribe my lack of understanding to the fact that I am a female and barely literate in English.

That's alright Sister, don't worry your pretty little head about the details. Your difficulty with understanding written English is no barrier to signing a contract with my company. We have corporate lawyers who will be happy to explain what you are signing. A caring, sharing company like Uranus Corporation would never think of cheating you or your people. After all, if you can't trust Uranus, who can you trust?

If I understand you right, you are asking that your oilfield workers be able to hire our local Christian women as study partners to explore each others understanding of the KJV, and come together in God's love through His word? If this is what you are saying, I'm sure many of our local ladies will be pleased to help your oilworkers see God. As often as they want.

Sounds like a win-win situation to me. By the way, if the frequent contacts between our oil field workers and the Eskimo ladies leads to some - how should I put it? - unexpected "little ones" coming into the world, I'd like you to know that my company is ready to lend a helping hand. As an answer to America's abortion crisis, Uranus Corporation proudly sponsors an adoption agency known as "The Baby Store." As long as the fathers are white, there is quite a market for the little rug rats, and we'll happily take them off your hands, for which you'll be compensated with a carton of cigarettes or a box of melamine-enriched powdered milk, your choice.

With Godly business partners like us, how can Uranus corporation go wrong?

I can assure you honey that you and your tribe are just the type of business partners we prefer.

[Sister Kitty]

Re: God won't allow global warming

After discussion with our elders I am pleased to announce that we have an agreement. I seldom smile, but I smiled briefly today.

Your unexpected offer of unlimited access to radioactive isotopes has sealed the deal.

Not knowing what radioactive isotopes were, I, and the elders, consulted the village nuclear physicist, who has watched most of three Nova episodes on PBS while incarcerated in Yellowknife some years ago. He informs us these isotopes can be put to good use.

Within 1200 kilometers of us are 4 other eskimo villages. The eskimos that live in these villages are sadly unsaved. We intend to send gifts of cesium-137, strontium-90, and iodine-131 to them for them to distribute amongst themselves during their pagan spring rituals, along with a KJV Bible which will hopefully bring them closer to the Lord. If it doesn't, the isotopes should.

Hopefully, nothing will happen to these simple villagers, however if something unexpected were to happen and they all perished due to some natural disaster, our tribe would inherit all their lands and more than quadruple our holdings. Were this to happen, we can perhaps arrange a new deal with Uranus corporation, involving the vast sum of several more large logs. And perhaps ebola virus, as well.

Nunavut is a vast territory, with many villages and perhaps 20% of the world's undiscovered natural resources. Oil being just one of those. We consulted our village microbiologist (who once read a Tom Clancy novel), and he suggests ebola and a KJV may be just the thing to bring these villages closer to Jesus. If they are faithful, Jesus will protect them. (Smallpox blankets, sadly, will not work due to inoculation programs begun a generation ago by simpleminded do-gooders) And after we have friended them in this way, should something happen, and they, sadly, perish, (through lack of faith) all of Nunavut will be ours, along with our partner and friend Uranus corporation. At this point we can begin to discuss big ticket items, like canoes, rifles, tactical nuclear weapons, snowmobiles and outboard motors.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: God won't allow global warming

Within 1200 kilometers of us are 4 other eskimo villages. The eskimos that live in these villages are sadly unsaved. We intend to send gifts of cesium-137, strontium-90, and iodine-131 to them for them to distribute amongst themselves during their pagan spring rituals, along with a KJV Bible which will hopefully bring them closer to the Lord. If it doesn't, the isotopes should.

Hopefully, nothing will happen to these simple villagers, however if something unexpected were to happen and they all perished due to some natural disaster, our tribe would inherit all their lands and more than quadruple our holdings. Were this to happen, we can perhaps arrange a new deal with Uranus corporation, involving the vast sum of several more large logs. And perhaps ebola virus, as well.

I have great news, Sister Kitty. My company has been awarded contracts to develop both vaccines for protecting our troops against germ warfare, and developing germ warfare microbes (purely defensive, you understand). Right now we've already completed the testing on rats and chimpanzees with good results, and we're ready to begin testing on human volunteers. If I understand you correctly, you're volunteering the other villages for our ebola and anthrax research programs. We will need to get those villagers to sign wavers, but I'm sure that a little persuasion from your tribe along with copious quantities of booze, Valium and the low level of literacy will produce the necessary signatures. Then we can begin.

At this point we can begin to discuss big ticket items, like canoes, rifles, tactical nuclear weapons, snowmobiles and outboard motors.

It brings a tear to my eye to see that your tribe is ready to give up their primitive customs, and adopt the American way of life. In no time at all, you'll be abandoning those dog sleds for SUVs and motor homes. Your people will happily spend their evenings watching Fox News while enjoying 4000-calorie bags of Cheetos, six-packs of Budweiser and unlimited bottles of Prozac, all of which you can charge to your Visa cards at 29% compound interest (until you miss a payment and then the rate quadruples). At least until the type 2 diabetes sets in and ruins your eyesight, I'm sure you'll enjoy your weekends shooting at stop signs and empty beer bottles.


Enjoying the American way of life.

My lawyers are drawing up the contracts just now as I write. This is truly a historic day, one that you and your people will never forget.

[black_Jew_Licorice]

Re: God won't allow global warming

God will allow Global Warming. It's just the precursor to Armageddon.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: God won't allow global warming

God will allow Global Warming. It's just the precursor to Armageddon.

Everything is a precursor to Armageddon. Did you ride the short bus to school?