JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

[Mad Prophet Helmholtz]

As you know, in 1974 Spaceship Jesus appeared to me in a motel room in the vacant California desert and imparted upon me a wisdom, untold through the ages, only to be channeled into me, an ex-drug fiend, ex-homosexual prostitute, ex-con man, ex-criminal, ex-ruffian. When I get dreams they are always the type bearing prophetic, brilliant words, which is why I want to tell you last night Jesus appeared to me and told me how to fix the BP oil spill.

Spaceship Jesus (for Jesus has transcended upon his mere mortal coil and become united with spacecraft for all eternity) told me that the BP oil spill was not an accident, nor a disaster. It was a way of increasing oil production. Ever since the spill, the sea floor has spilled millions more gallons than a mere drilling rig could pump up! This is a Godsend! This is why we need to take advantage.

We need to create great tanks, as big as Shamu tanks of Sea World, to store the oily water in. We know the expression "oil and water don't mix" this is true! Oil floats to the top, water stays down. We need to use filters to seperate this oil from the water. Scoop up millions of oily ocean water and we can keep the oil for ourselves.

This solves national energy crisis. What we need to make this scoop are gigantic helicopters. 1000 feet long and 5000 tons of steel, electronics, and pure American wizardry. These helicopters will scoop up the sea and filter it. The oil will go to refineries. The water will be desalinated and be used to make fresh water.

WE MUST USE GIANT HELICOPTERS TO FULFILL SPACESHIP JESUS PROPHECY OR RISK FURTHER HURRICANES AS PUNISHMENT!!!! STOP AL GORE ROBO ANIMAL ALLIANCE FROM DENYING HUMAN ENTITLEMENT. EXXON VALDEZ A "DISASTER" OR GIFT OF MARTIAN SUPER-RACE ON CORRECT INSTRUCTION ON LIVING MODE?!?!?!?!?!!

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

Milorganite!

Dinosaurs!

Castile soap!

[HTannor]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

I am very sorry to sound this note of discord, Brothers, but I, for one, do NOT believe there has been an oil spill in the Gulf.

First allow me to add this map:



As you will note by the "X" denoting the location of Freehold and the accompanying arrows, we here in Freehold are directly connected to the Gulf of Mexico.

In order to prove to myself whether or not this "oil spill" story is valid, I went to the Des Moines River yesterday, looked carefully over its freeflowing waters and could not see any evidence of oil in the water!

I then crawled down the river bank and thorougly searched the area for tar balls or oil-covered birds. There was nothing! No tar balls! No oil-soaked wildlife! Nothing!

Brothers, I submit there is no oil spill in the Gulf. This is all a hoax perpetrated by that darkie in the White House!

With all this proof I have offered I am sure you now realize the truth!!

[WWJDnow]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

STOP AL GORE ROBO ANIMAL ALLIANCE FROM DENYING HUMAN ENTITLEMENT.

Get enough monkeys typing on enough typewriters, and eventually they're bound to say something right.

[Nobar King]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

I would just drop Rosie O'Donnell on top of it.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

Mr. Mad Prophet, wouldn't the giant helicopters use up all the oil so collected in their operation?

Brother Nobar, I have another idea for handling the oil spill.

Do you know what soaks up crude oil in the ocean best? BIRDS!

We should collect millions of seagulls and pigeons, and staple them together by their wings to form vast feathered absorbent booms.

Then, we can use them to collect oil, and squeeze it out of them for refining.

I imagine the Bird Booms would be reusable two or three times, if they're attached to one another securely and not pressed too hard. However, after the first pressing, they probably won't be as effective as they will cease to flap.

[Nobar King]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

Then fry them and export them to china as buffalo wings.

[teenaged mocker]

Re: JESUS IN DREAM: How to Solve BP Oil Spill Crisis

I am very sorry to sound this note of discord, Brothers, but I, for one, do NOT believe there has been an oil spill in the Gulf.

First allow me to add this map:



As you will note by the "X" denoting the location of Freehold and the accompanying arrows, we here in Freehold are directly connected to the Gulf of Mexico.

In order to prove to myself whether or not this "oil spill" story is valid, I went to the Des Moines River yesterday, looked carefully over its freeflowing waters and could not see any evidence of oil in the water!

I then crawled down the river bank and thorougly searched the area for tar balls or oil-covered birds. There was nothing! No tar balls! No oil-soaked wildlife! Nothing!

Brothers, I submit there is no oil spill in the Gulf. This is all a hoax perpetrated by that darkie in the White House!

With all this proof I have offered I am sure you now realize the truth!!

A very interesting theory, however I have some criticisms.

1. Why would President Obama do something like that?

2. If what you are saying is true, where would he get the resources for such a project? The oil spill is huge news across the globe. Obama would need the co-operation of every government in the world, plus BP oil. Obama, and America, simply aren't that powerful.

3. New Orleans and the mouth of the Mississippi are both incredibly sheltered from the Gulf of Mexico and the oil spill. Further, St Louis is up to 700 miles away from New Orleans, and you've indicated that your township is even further north along the Mississippi. That's a LONG distance for oil to travel.

3a. Rivers and streams flow out to sea. Generally, rivers are created due to meltwater washing down mountains and out to sea. Even assuming the oil reaches the mouth of the Mississippi, it would have to fight the current to go any further.